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Questions in My Mind

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As I write this, it痴 August 25, 2010. I have only 17 days left here in America before my life completely changes, and what a huge change it will be. For the first time I知 going to be traveling overseas, I値l be heading to Japan, but not for a simple vacation, I値l be studying abroad in Tokyo for the next year at 中央大学(Chuo University). Right now I知 busy studying my ass off so that I知 at least a little bit prepared when I head over there. When I arrive I値l have to take the JLPT (Japanese Language Placement Test), and I知 quite nervous about it. If I do well my professors at CSUMB will be pleased, and I値l be able to take a greater variety of classes. However, my Japanese isn稚 the strongest (I致e only been studying for 2 years), and I知 starting to doubt whether or not I can survive in the native land. Everyone around me tells how much fun I知 going have, how much I値l learn, how I値l 澱e fine, but these words of encouragement don稚 seem to help. Oh well, it痴 too late to go back now, and I need to do this for my B.A., so I get I値l just have weakly stand and rush headfirst into this experience; no use counting myself out before I even start right?

On a more personal note I致e come to a wall concerning my heart. Recently, I found that I知 in love with two separate people. Back in the day, I met a lovely young man by the name of Matt. I was in a dark place at the time and was very weary of the people around me, often pushing people away just to ensure that they wouldn稚 hurt me later. Our relationship started out simple: we both had a huge love of fighting games, we had a cynical view of the world, and a mutual interest in a variety of things. Surprisingly though, our friendship grew faster than I could have ever imagined at the time. We discussed everything, and I always admired his way with the ladies. I was never good with women and my poor self-esteem and general hatred of life didn稚 exactly help me; but it seemed like every time I turned around he had some new person interested in him. I always wanted to be like him, so strong and determined, and eventually he would help me find that strength.

It started with that fateful night: I had fallen into a bout of depression and he, like always, was dragging me out from my emo hole. I had never told anyone about my *Bness at the time, and that part of me had always felt like a great chain pulling me under. I知 still not sure why I decided to tell him that night, but it would be the night he gave me a new light and as I would later find out, stole my heart. If you haven稚 guessed by now: things went amazingly well, he completely understood me and even revealed a deep part of himself. That night I felt so refreshed, so happy to be alive, and we became unbreakable friends that night.

So, after that night I would often find myself thinking about Matt, anticipating the next day we壇 get to hang out. It痴 about this time I would affectionately call him nii-san despite me being almost half a year older than him. Before I realized it, I had fallen in love with him, but between college and work, I just never found that time to express this to him. Eventually, we壇 both reveal that, at one time, we had both thought about asking the other out, but at that moment we both didn稚 want to pursue any kind of romantic relationship.

Fast forward to last December, I致e been attending California State University Monterey Bay. I was completely done with the idea of having a relationship and planned on remaining single forever. Then Hana entered my life, or to be more accurate she sort of falcon punched her way in. We were both Japanese majors at the time, but I had always just looked upon her as that loud girl who sat in the back row. It started simply, I had stayed up all night and came in looking like a zombie, and she bothered to take an interest and asked how I was doing. After that, we wound up on a project together, and I got to know her better, our common interest lead to a quick befriending. In the next 6 months I would get to know a crazy amount about her; our conversations would go from trivial to deep in seconds, and I quickly learned about her passions, dreams, fears, hopes, ect. Our personalities complimented each other, I was collected, reserved, and I could always understand and explain what she was trying to say even when others couldn稚, and she was strong, proud, energetic, and her presence made it easier for me to speak my mind to others and throw myself out there. We could always trust the other to understand what we were saying, and before I knew it, I was once again in love. I took me forever to confess my feelings to her, but with about two weeks left of school; I finally broke down and told her. It was wonderful to not be rejected for the first time, and she confessed that she was thinking about telling me the same thing too, since I had taken so long to tell her. Unfortunately, we both knew we couldn稚 just become a couple: I would be leaving for Japan next year and she the year after when I returned. So, we decided against jumping into a relationship in favor of waiting until we had finished with college, or at least until we stopped playing 笛apan Tag.

Now we come to our problem, I love Hana, and I hope that one day I might be able to pursue a relationship with her. However, I知 also still in love with Matt, and no matter how hard I try, I cannot rid myself of the hope that we can still be together. I love both of them so much, but when I really think about it I might not be able to be with either of them. Hana could easily fall for someone else, I知 neither the greatest looking guy nor the only guy for that matter; also what happens if we just lose contact and go our separate ways? Matt on the other hand has started looking for a woman he can spend his life with and perhaps bear his children. So, now I知 at a dead end. I have a number of options available to me, but I知 not certain which path I should take at this point. Oh well, if you池e still reading then thank you for your time. I just needed a place to vent. I値l keep you guys and gals updated on my life in Japan, hopefully a foreign land will give the new perspective I need to overcome these problem or at least give me a little time to do some soul searching.

May we all shine like gold upon the sea of chaos that is life,


  1. SnoozyCat's Avatar
    You're still very young man. You are alone right now but that is very temporary. Look at all the wonderful things you are able to do right now. Most people these days don't even make it out of their hometown. You've made it to college and you're set to have the experience of a lifetime. Don't be afraid to enjoy living solo. Your door is wide open right now and there are plenty of opportunities to meet new people. You have plenty of life ahead of you to find a companion to be with when the time comes but my advice is that you shouldn't worry that you are by yourself for now. You have a lot of unique options in your life right now that you may never have again so live life to the fullest now and don't miss out on any of them. You only live once.

    I'd love to hear more about your life in Japan. Best of luck to you there. I myself have chosen a different path that may not lead me to Japan anytime soon but I hope that I can one day venture there too. And the rest of the world too. - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community. is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.