A harsh realization
by, 07-Aug-2010 at 05:50 (272 Views)
I am one seriously fucked-up individual.
I have spent my entire life blaming external sources for my constant state of despair that I was living through.
Now, I am painfully aware that my despair was mostly a product of my own creation. True, many people did some very harsh things to me over the years for no apparant reason..... but the way I handled the times when that happened only made things much worse for myself and for everybody around me.
I spent many years trying to change my external environment, while it was my internal one that I really needed to be working on.
I really was a horrible person at many times, I now realize. No use sugarcoating it, and telling myself that I had my reasons which justified those moments. I did and said many things in my life that are completely inexcusable. I am a very, very selfish person.
There, I said it.
All I can do now is pick up the pieces, step up, and be completely honest. Which is tougher than it should be, but it is getting easier with each passing day that I practice it.
I have volunteered at several places over the last few years, but my reasons for doing so were not right. Once in a while, I would genuinely help somebody else out there, then I would bask in my own glory. Or, when I was unable to be of any use, I took it personally and dwelled on it that way. That's not the right attitude to take in any such position.
To find myself, I must lose myself completely. I really need to start taking a greater interest in the world around me and the other people within it - and I have no excuse to delay in that whatsoever. I have the desire to do just that - I might as well go right for it.
Why am I posting this here? That is a bit indulgent, I know. I am typing down my thoughts, and posting them here before I go to bed. So, good night, all, and know that I do care about each and every one of you. This community has been a great help to me over the last several months, and now it is my turn to be a great help to the community somehow. Any ideas?