by, 16-Jul-2010 at 15:32 (485 Views)
Regrets. Everybody has regrets in life, that one or series of events they wish they could to back in time to change. While at work this evening, I found myself thinking. Actually I tend to do alot of that really. See my job has me working graveyard. Yep thats right midnight to eight in the morning. And, to make things better, usually I am by myself or working with one other.
Tonight, I was thinking again. If I could go back into time and change an event in your past, what would it be? And I came up with a few. I would change my attitude in High School. And I would change view of the world.
I was 14 years old and just starting the 9th grade. New school, new teachers, new atmosphere. I was in a form of shell shock, because i really did not know where to begin. Most of my friends had moved away. Or I chose to cut them off because of the decisions they were making in life. Due to that, my freshman year was quite a learning experience. What happened you may ask? I found the wrong crowd. Got mixed up in quite the trio. Drugs (marijuana, acid, mushrooms), fighting, and failing classes left and right. I wasn't on a good path at all. But due to some police intervention and school involvement. Those were straightened out after a short 6 months. Unfortunately, I still had my school work to straighten out. Now I know it may sound a little cliché to say there was that one special teacher who changed your life. But for me this was the case. My English Teacher, some how, some way, was able to knock some sense into me. Something even my parents were not able to do. And convince me to first, show up to class. And second, I really didn't want to repeat a class. So with some hard work, and some begging of my instructors. I was able to remake some missed work and change two terms worth of F's into D's. Thus giving me the credits I needed and not falling behind. With that said if I could go back and change my first regret. It would have been to just give a dam about my education my first two terms of High School.
My second regret, also falls back to when I was in High School as well. See after a very shocking first year I found myself very un-trusting of others. Now this also falls back to some other issues in my past (Some I don't know if I will or will not discuss yet.). But, the short version of it is i was left with a feeling of fear commitments. In my mind back then and still to this day. I look at relationships as a risk. And from past experiences, I always expect the other person to in some way back stab me. So I tend and tended to push others away. Thus, protecting me from from that risk of being hurt. While in High School, I didn't recognize this. However, today I do. Now i know this is not a healthy view to have on the world. Yet, even with this knowledge about myself, I still find it hard to trust others.
While my life is full of regrets, and at times I find myself down in the gutter. Somehow, I continue to push on. Looking back I know I can't change things. So why I choose to dwell on the past, I don't know. As I said working alone gives me lots of time to think about myself and reflect on the past.
With that said, I honestly don't know how often I will post things here. But I will type stuff when I feel like I have enough to say or something worth expressing. So I hope you enjoy them.