by, 01-Jul-2010 at 22:34 (581 Views)
Well, the only reason why I'm posting this wad of angst here is because it can't go anywhere else. I don't expect people to read it or anything, as it is probably not all that interesting. Contains sexual themes blah blah.
My life is in the shit house, and a large part of it is due to infantilism.
For starters, I had a great relationship with this girl. She's beautiful, funny, extremely intelligent, loved her personality. But when it came to... ya know... bedroom stuff... infantilism got in the way of things. My earliest recollections of infantilistic desires dates back to my third year; my first orgasm - though I did not know what it was at the time - happened in relation to diapers, not to any pornographic image or with thoughts of a girl or a guy. As time went on, it became more and more difficult to find people attractive, beyond the superficial observation. Personality is what draws me into relationships, whether friendship or girlfriend/boyfriend. Sex is hardly ever on my mind. It still isn't.
So there was lots of pressure on me for the sexual aspect of the relationship, and I just couldn't reveal what was holding me back. I was able to become aroused, but that was it. So, that part of the relationship wasn't so great. Eventually, we started fighting over various things. I was in a really bad place mentally, due to factors in my life which were outside of my control, and so I decided to break up with her. It was a huge mistake, and I regret it every hour of every day. I was going to tell her this, that I wanted to get back together with her, only to find out that merely a week after we had broken up, she hooked up with this guy who had been after her since she and I were together. Just swooped down on her like a vulture. And she had talked about how much she loved me, blah blah blah... but I was obviously very replaceable. That hurts. The fact that I probably will never get back with her hurts much more. A cheesy old song states that "You don't know what you got till it's gone." This is very true.
On top of that, I am, once again, not going to college due to lack of scholastic achievement. I am a smart kid, and an artistic kid. I've just always been a shitty test taker, and that has really taken its toll on my personal record. I'm 20 now, and still not in college. None of the community college shit courses I took transfer, so that was all a waste of money. I'm stagnating, as everyone else moves on with their lives.
I don't know. I'm feeling very lonely, and I'm falling back into my old dangerous habits. Lots of cutting. My fucking arms are a mess, and it's god damned pathetic. But I can't stop. I can't find any hope anywhere. I keep spending money of infantilist stuff, and it makes me feel sick and disgusting. I'm not sleeping. I'm hardly eating, losing lots of weight. And now I'm seeing shit. Black dogs and hitchhikers that turn out not to be there. I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't go back to the fucking hospital again. Can't afford that shit. It doesn't help anyway.
Well, that's the end of that rant. Sorry to have to post it. I really dislike putting anything out there, but I know that if it's put in a physical place, the wrong person might end up reading it. At least here there's less chance of someone I know finding it.