Out of control pain...
by, 02-Jun-2010 at 09:21 (748 Views)
Butterfly Mage might understand me the best. I suffer from chronic cluster headaches--they're like migraines, a variant that instead of being triggered by something you eat or drink externally is instead triggered inside your own body by your circadian rhythm.
Because the circadian rhythm triggers the headaches, it means that headaches hit regularly. Most cluster headache patients get these in "clusters" of a few weeks or a few months out of a year. I'm one of the tiny percentage that is chronic, i.e. non-stop.
What this boils down to is this: I've been fighting the equivalent of six migraine headaches a day for the last ten and a half years.
The headaches are nicknamed 'suicide headaches' for good reason. I've been on that precipice more than once. I can feel myself edging towards it again. No one in their right mind contemplates suicide--I don't feel in my right mind at this point.
In August, a neurologist is going to put me through a week plus of hell to try and break the cycle and get me to go into episodes of a few weeks or a few months a year instead of this non-stop chronic crap. That would be nice to have. But what it requires is a scary thought; I have to be taken off of all medications, cold turkey. They'll give me some stuff to help ease me through, yeah, but if it doesn't break the cycle...then where am I at?
This chronic phase started at the beginning of October of '99. Tells you how long the fight has been. Wars have been fought in less time.
This pain is insane. I know that there is one true, final, cure for it. It's just the side effects for that are a little bit...far-reaching or extreme. I guess I can hold on for a little bit longer still. I hope I can.