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Kinky Kapers of Kaworu!

I just can't continue like this.

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Every night, when I go to bed, I can't go to sleep for hours on end. My heart starts racing, my mind starts racing, and all I feel is complete and utter spiritual pain.

I have seen the face of true evil too many times in this lifetime. And I am not sure if I want to keep on living to tell the tale. Of course, there will be a few people who would miss me..... But there is only so much of this I can be expected to take.

I need help, serious help. I need the kind of help that I do not have any access to these days. Mental health spending cuts have been made all across my state (standard politician tactic - take from the people who are in no position to fight back when the going gets tough). That situation is looking extremely bleak at the moment, especially considering how Medicare refuses to pay for most mental health services to begin with - and especially considering how most low-cost mental health services in this state have been shut down in the last few months alone due to their funding being cut completely.

I have a lifetime worth of rage and pain inside my soul. There are times when I can feel things other than that - but those moments are fleeting. Every night, when I go to bed, and I lie there with my eyes closed, everything comes back to me, and all I feel is pain. Some nights are better than others - some nights I get four or five hours of sleep instead of one or two. Still, this is something I would rather not have to deal with any longer.

Whenever I make friends, I find myself getting afraid of what may happen later on down the line. Twice in this life, I have been deeply involved in social circles, and both of those times, everybody in those circles decided to turn against me brutally at the end. The first time was when they found out I was gay. The second was when they found out I had mental health issues. What will it be the third time? Should I even keep going long enough for a third time to happen?

I am not a strong person. There is only so much I can be expected to take, and damn it, I have pretty much reached my limit. I have obligations keeping me from suicide at this point in my life - but those obligations won't last forever.

I am torn between giving up completely and trying to scratch and crawl my way with some slim (and probably false) hope that things could get better for me. I want to believe that the rest of my life will not be like this. I really do.

Yeah, I know, this post is probably the single most emo thing ever posted here. I really have no right to feel this way.

I hate being in my own skin so much. I hate the cards I have been dealt. I hate the sting of the countless betrayals I have tasted, which all come back to me every night, every one of them feeling as fresh as if they just happened a few seconds beforehand.

I am not expecting anybody here to be able to help me with any of this.

I know, I have some serious PTSD issues. My last therapist gave me that diagnosis. Some people have told me that PTSD is a "choice that weak people make". Fuck it, I am a weak person, but if this were a choice, I would rather choose to sleep better at night over this.

I think I am going to try to go back to bed, even though I most likely won't get any rest at all until a few hours from now. Ah, well.


  1. avery's Avatar
    it sounds like a lot of what's going through your head is your past. what if you woke up tomorrow and had no memory of your past or how you came to be in that moment? what if you were a newly-born adult who could do anything or be anyone? what would you do with your life?

    what exactly is preventing your from living your life that way now?

    i don't want to downplay the shit you've been through in the past, because it sounds pretty rough. but you seem almost addicted to dwelling on it. why is it so important? you should be concentrating on how you're going to live your life now, not things that happened years ago. the past only has as much power over you as you let it have.
  2. Fruitkitty's Avatar
    The people who have made your life hell are the ones who are truly weak. For what reason, other than their own inner weakness, would they feel the need to find and exploit "problems" with other people?

    People with inner strength are those that look to make the future brighter, do right by others, and do their best. Man is flawed, and many strong people have big flaws. These flaws are not what determines one's strength.

    You have not shown yourself to be a weak person here on ADISC. You have shown yourself to be the victim of weak people. Get through college, get a decent job, continue volunteering for worthwhile causes, and do what you can to ignore the crap that weak people continue to give you.

    You have every right to hate your past. What you don't have a right to do is to let your past destroy your potential. Everyone you can prevent from experiencing the horrors you've lived through is counting on you - don't let them down.
  3. KaworuVsDrWily's Avatar
    True, I may very well be addicted to thinking like this. I have had nights like this for as long as I can remember - even when I was back in third grade. What I did not have was a way to deal with them properly.

    I felt great pain when all of those things happened to me, and there was nobody I could turn to that would help me deal with it. I did not trust psychologists, because my mother used psychology as a way of punishing me, and because every doctor she took me to, she held in her pocket. I did not trust my parents, but I assume everybody here knows why that was (and still is) the case. Every time I tried telling anybody about the pain I was in, I always got the same response - "You have no right to feel that pain, so just sweep it under the rug, because nobody wants to hear about it." Or, as my stepfather would say, "Shut the fuck up, get over it, or I'll smack you around some more!"

    So, here I am, with a lifetime of pain swept under the rug, pain that never went anywhere. And I really do not know what to do with any of it. It is not going to go away on its own, I am very well aware of that. - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community. is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.