I just can't continue like this.
by, 01-Mar-2010 at 05:09 (347 Views)
Every night, when I go to bed, I can't go to sleep for hours on end. My heart starts racing, my mind starts racing, and all I feel is complete and utter spiritual pain.
I have seen the face of true evil too many times in this lifetime. And I am not sure if I want to keep on living to tell the tale. Of course, there will be a few people who would miss me..... But there is only so much of this I can be expected to take.
I need help, serious help. I need the kind of help that I do not have any access to these days. Mental health spending cuts have been made all across my state (standard politician tactic - take from the people who are in no position to fight back when the going gets tough). That situation is looking extremely bleak at the moment, especially considering how Medicare refuses to pay for most mental health services to begin with - and especially considering how most low-cost mental health services in this state have been shut down in the last few months alone due to their funding being cut completely.
I have a lifetime worth of rage and pain inside my soul. There are times when I can feel things other than that - but those moments are fleeting. Every night, when I go to bed, and I lie there with my eyes closed, everything comes back to me, and all I feel is pain. Some nights are better than others - some nights I get four or five hours of sleep instead of one or two. Still, this is something I would rather not have to deal with any longer.
Whenever I make friends, I find myself getting afraid of what may happen later on down the line. Twice in this life, I have been deeply involved in social circles, and both of those times, everybody in those circles decided to turn against me brutally at the end. The first time was when they found out I was gay. The second was when they found out I had mental health issues. What will it be the third time? Should I even keep going long enough for a third time to happen?
I am not a strong person. There is only so much I can be expected to take, and damn it, I have pretty much reached my limit. I have obligations keeping me from suicide at this point in my life - but those obligations won't last forever.
I am torn between giving up completely and trying to scratch and crawl my way with some slim (and probably false) hope that things could get better for me. I want to believe that the rest of my life will not be like this. I really do.
Yeah, I know, this post is probably the single most emo thing ever posted here. I really have no right to feel this way.
I hate being in my own skin so much. I hate the cards I have been dealt. I hate the sting of the countless betrayals I have tasted, which all come back to me every night, every one of them feeling as fresh as if they just happened a few seconds beforehand.
I am not expecting anybody here to be able to help me with any of this.
I know, I have some serious PTSD issues. My last therapist gave me that diagnosis. Some people have told me that PTSD is a "choice that weak people make". Fuck it, I am a weak person, but if this were a choice, I would rather choose to sleep better at night over this.
I think I am going to try to go back to bed, even though I most likely won't get any rest at all until a few hours from now. Ah, well.