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Kinky Kapers of Kaworu!

Damaged goods.

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I can't help but to think of myself as being anything other than damaged goods.

I am alcoholic, I have Asperger's and schizophrenia (the latter is thankfully under control these days).....

The only real RL friends I have are a couple of people who have more issues than what I have. The only beacons of sanity I have are people I know on the Internet.

I know that many of you have read my past blogs. I have had a very troubled past. Often, when I sleep, I revisit moments of the past that have hurt me the most, and instead of living on in those dreams, I end my life right then and there..... Then I wake up and wonder why the hell I am still alive. I have done nothing significant with my life so far, after all.

I know this blog sounds terribly emo. I know this blog sounds terribly whiny. And I apologize for that, I really do. I have been nothing but a problem for everybody I have ever known.

Yeah, I am drunk right now. Oddly enough, I am drunk less than a week after I declared I would have no alcohol for quite some time. I guess you could be thankful that I am not a hostile drunk..... But even when I am not drunk, I feel nothing but the deepest hatred for myself. I cannot escape it for a single second. It is always within myself. I really hate being in my own skin so much.....

I crave to have RL friends, I wish I could make something of myself in this lifetime. Instead, I am a social reject, living off SSDI, volunteering for noble causes in my spare time but still making nothing of myself.

I know that so many of you will think less of me for making this blog. I really do not like talking like this, but I hate lying and saying that everything is fine even more.

I am in so much pain...... pain is all I really know. Anything other than pain feels so completely alien to me, to be completely frank.

And I hate living like this. I hate it so fucking much.

Medication keeps the hallucinations at bay, but it cannot make me a good person.

I will end this blog here, before it becomes even more obnoxious than it already is. Know that I hate myself for making posts like this, I hate myself for feeling like this when so many other people have things so much worse..... I am weak, I am pathetic.....

Fuck it, I'll end this embarrassment here.
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Comments

  1. SquishyTushy's Avatar
    Pain is all you know, so pain is all you will find.

    Until you Change this paradigm, your life will never be fine
  2. KaworuVsDrWily's Avatar
    I apologize for posting this blog, along with all of the other whiny ones I did in the last few days. I am not adding anything positive to the world with such whining, nor am I improving myself.

    And I really should never be drinking a whole pint of 151 in one sitting, which is what I did yesterday.

    True, I am in so much pain and I really do not know what to do about it. But that is my problem, and my problem alone. I have no right to bug anybody else about it.

    Take care!
  3. Loopygone's Avatar
    You may not have the right to bug us about it, but you do have the right to get your thoughts down, post it in a blog, let people who want to read it read it, and hopefully give you some good advice :X.
    It gives you an outlet to say whats on your mind, and writing it down helps people work out how to fix it.

    Honestly through, I don't know what to say, you seem like such an all round good guy. I don't know how you can deal with the pain in your life, how to remove that, or lessen it. I think you just have to keep moving on, trying to distances your self from that pain.

    Sometimes you have bad days, other times you have good days. You say that anything other then pain is alien to you, maybe this is causing you to shy away from feelings of happyness, maybe its stopping you from enjoying what you're doing.
    Look at it this way.... you spent x amount of days not getting drunk, thats better then no days. You're off to study, which is improving your self, you go to the gym alot, which is healthy and good for you.

    Just keep trying to improve your self, and working towards your goals, soon hopefully it will start coming together, and you'll start feeling a little better.
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