by, 02-Feb-2010 at 23:23 (418 Views)
I can't help but to think of myself as being anything other than damaged goods.
I am alcoholic, I have Asperger's and schizophrenia (the latter is thankfully under control these days).....
The only real RL friends I have are a couple of people who have more issues than what I have. The only beacons of sanity I have are people I know on the Internet.
I know that many of you have read my past blogs. I have had a very troubled past. Often, when I sleep, I revisit moments of the past that have hurt me the most, and instead of living on in those dreams, I end my life right then and there..... Then I wake up and wonder why the hell I am still alive. I have done nothing significant with my life so far, after all.
I know this blog sounds terribly emo. I know this blog sounds terribly whiny. And I apologize for that, I really do. I have been nothing but a problem for everybody I have ever known.
Yeah, I am drunk right now. Oddly enough, I am drunk less than a week after I declared I would have no alcohol for quite some time. I guess you could be thankful that I am not a hostile drunk..... But even when I am not drunk, I feel nothing but the deepest hatred for myself. I cannot escape it for a single second. It is always within myself. I really hate being in my own skin so much.....
I crave to have RL friends, I wish I could make something of myself in this lifetime. Instead, I am a social reject, living off SSDI, volunteering for noble causes in my spare time but still making nothing of myself.
I know that so many of you will think less of me for making this blog. I really do not like talking like this, but I hate lying and saying that everything is fine even more.
I am in so much pain...... pain is all I really know. Anything other than pain feels so completely alien to me, to be completely frank.
And I hate living like this. I hate it so fucking much.
Medication keeps the hallucinations at bay, but it cannot make me a good person.
I will end this blog here, before it becomes even more obnoxious than it already is. Know that I hate myself for making posts like this, I hate myself for feeling like this when so many other people have things so much worse..... I am weak, I am pathetic.....
Fuck it, I'll end this embarrassment here.