How to overcome bitterness?
by, 30-Jan-2010 at 21:28 (368 Views)
The world is a very ugly, ugly place. It overflows with people who knowingly and very much willingly get their pleasure at the tragic expense of others. The people who don't get such pleasure are the vast minority of the human race.
I do not trust the world around me. I never did, and I never will. Most people will think nothing about fucking over his fellow man and destroying his spirit, as long as it gets them ahead or gives them some sort of satisfaction. There are very few people in the world who want to do something helpful for another, and most of those that do only take part to alleviate their guilt for taking part in activities that hurt others and enjoying it.
I suppose this makes me a misanthrope. I have spent the vast majority of my life with many evil faces and intentions directed at me. So many people sought out to crush me, so many people sought out to take pleasure in my suffering, so many people kept on pushing me beyond my boundaries for their own personal gain. Many of these people I would have done anything for, and for a while I thought that sentiment would be returned - such a soul-crushing rude awakening it was to be crudely disposed of by virtually all of my so-called "friends" in my darkest hours of need.
Yes, my heart is a very dark and bitter place. I find it impossible to take pleasure in much of anything these days. I try to lose my thoughts in video games, in study projects, in volunteer work - but after those activities are over, the thoughts come flooding back, without fail. I actually find myself wishing great harm upon the many people who went far out of their way to hurt me in the past, and that scares me very much. No, I am not at any risk of taking any such action - but just the knowledge that I have these feelings in my heart crushes my spirit even more than it already has been.
I do not want to be bitter, I do not want to be angry, I do not want to wish great harm upon another, no matter how badly that person has fucked me over. I will not be satisfied with myself, I will not be comfortable within my own skin, until I deal with this. Just trying to "get over it" (like so many people unkindly and crudely suggested to me in the past) is not going to cut it. I need to face this head-on, but I do not know what to do, what courses of action I should take, to defeat this intense bitterness inside of myself.
As much as I hate the many people who have hurt me in the past, I find that I hate myself so much more than any of them. I hate myself because I feel that the level of hatred I have against these people is unreasonable - after all, they only reacted to how I was, and I was a complete screwup of an individual. Ack.
I will end this post before it becomes a novel like my last blog entry was. Thanks for reading.