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Kinky Kapers of Kaworu!

How to overcome bitterness?

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The world is a very ugly, ugly place. It overflows with people who knowingly and very much willingly get their pleasure at the tragic expense of others. The people who don't get such pleasure are the vast minority of the human race.

I do not trust the world around me. I never did, and I never will. Most people will think nothing about fucking over his fellow man and destroying his spirit, as long as it gets them ahead or gives them some sort of satisfaction. There are very few people in the world who want to do something helpful for another, and most of those that do only take part to alleviate their guilt for taking part in activities that hurt others and enjoying it.

I suppose this makes me a misanthrope. I have spent the vast majority of my life with many evil faces and intentions directed at me. So many people sought out to crush me, so many people sought out to take pleasure in my suffering, so many people kept on pushing me beyond my boundaries for their own personal gain. Many of these people I would have done anything for, and for a while I thought that sentiment would be returned - such a soul-crushing rude awakening it was to be crudely disposed of by virtually all of my so-called "friends" in my darkest hours of need.

Yes, my heart is a very dark and bitter place. I find it impossible to take pleasure in much of anything these days. I try to lose my thoughts in video games, in study projects, in volunteer work - but after those activities are over, the thoughts come flooding back, without fail. I actually find myself wishing great harm upon the many people who went far out of their way to hurt me in the past, and that scares me very much. No, I am not at any risk of taking any such action - but just the knowledge that I have these feelings in my heart crushes my spirit even more than it already has been.

I do not want to be bitter, I do not want to be angry, I do not want to wish great harm upon another, no matter how badly that person has fucked me over. I will not be satisfied with myself, I will not be comfortable within my own skin, until I deal with this. Just trying to "get over it" (like so many people unkindly and crudely suggested to me in the past) is not going to cut it. I need to face this head-on, but I do not know what to do, what courses of action I should take, to defeat this intense bitterness inside of myself.

As much as I hate the many people who have hurt me in the past, I find that I hate myself so much more than any of them. I hate myself because I feel that the level of hatred I have against these people is unreasonable - after all, they only reacted to how I was, and I was a complete screwup of an individual. Ack.

I will end this post before it becomes a novel like my last blog entry was. Thanks for reading.
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  1. Slang's Avatar
    Really sucks that you got all this going on in your life. After reading this and that other blog post of yours, I gotta say that you've been through some super rough stuff and I can't even imagine what it's been like. Thing that really sticks out in both of your posts though is that you want to make a change for the better, and I think that's really great man. Sounds like a lot of things are still holding you back though, and you got a lot of harsh feelings towards yourself and others because of it. Idealy, you could just forgive and forget, but that's easier said than done I guess. I would suggest filling your life with postivie activities, influences and people, and it sounds like you're trying to do that as best you can too. Only other thing I could suggest would be to try out a church. Yeah I know, as soon as that idea comes out then everybody gets pissed cause nobody wants to be part of a group of mindless, gay-hating maniacs, right? I've seen those kinda of people too, but man, I don't think you'd have to look too hard to find a positive church group somewhere around. Just check it out, you don't even have to go for the religion. That's my suggestion because from what I've seen, even though there are a lot of confused and selfish religious folks out there, there's more often than not a lot of love and support. Yeah, it's everybody's favourte thing to hate on that idea, and that's dandy. Maybe try it out though, I dunno. And if you're not into that, then whatever, I hope you can still find some people around you who care about you, and that you can get the love and support you deserve man. You've been through a lot of crap, and you deserve better, so yeah, keep positive and I hope everything works out for you.
  2. KaworuVsDrWily's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by Slang
    Only other thing I could suggest would be to try out a church. Yeah I know, as soon as that idea comes out then everybody gets pissed cause nobody wants to be part of a group of mindless, gay-hating maniacs, right? I've seen those kinda of people too, but man, I don't think you'd have to look too hard to find a positive church group somewhere around. Just check it out, you don't even have to go for the religion. That's my suggestion because from what I've seen, even though there are a lot of confused and selfish religious folks out there, there's more often than not a lot of love and support. Yeah, it's everybody's favourte thing to hate on that idea, and that's dandy. Maybe try it out though, I dunno. And if you're not into that, then whatever, I hope you can still find some people around you who care about you, and that you can get the love and support you deserve man. You've been through a lot of crap, and you deserve better, so yeah, keep positive and I hope everything works out for you.
    Well, I am not one of those people who are completely anti-church. There are a lot of very bad churches out there, but I imagine that there are a few that I would fit in just well. I just have to go out there and find them. I have been contemplating going to the local Unitarian Universalist Church - I just might go there tomorrow morning for their service, and see what happens. :-)
  3. h3g3l's Avatar
    Attitudes drive Beliefs which drive Outcomes. The good thing about this is that you can run the machine in reverse.

    Try not to be bitter for a while and see what happens. If you have people in your life who are petty and small, jettison them. Acquaintances who are selfish or unwilling to give to you need to be dumped. Same with friends, although hopefully you won't find this as common an occurrence as with acquaintances.

    People will always let you down, as people collectively are small, self-interested, unexamined, and selfish. Find a very small group of people with whom you can relate and upon whom you can rely.

    Or just liquidate everything you own and pool your money with mine to buy Misanthrope Island.
  4. KaworuVsDrWily's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by h3g3l
    Try not to be bitter for a while and see what happens.
    No offense dude, but I tried that SOOO many times. But the bitterness is so pervasive in my spirit that even if I can get it out of my mind for a couple of minutes, it just comes back stronger than before.

    Then again, I am not wired the way most people are.
  5. avery's Avatar
    there are lots and lots of people out there whose main goal in life is to be kind, to make friends, and to help other people feel good. not everyone is an asshole who feeds off of other people's misery. i hope you can find some kind people to hang out with. you won't catch yourself thinking so many negative thoughts if you hang around with positive people.
  6. KaworuVsDrWily's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by avery
    there are lots and lots of people out there whose main goal in life is to be kind, to make friends, and to help other people feel good. not everyone is an asshole who feeds off of other people's misery. i hope you can find some kind people to hang out with. you won't catch yourself thinking so many negative thoughts if you hang around with positive people.
    Logic and reason tells me that you are correct when you say that. The trouble is actually finding the positive people out there in the world to hang with. Most of the positive people I know, I know only from a vast distance.

    I am sorry for making that whiny blog post. You are right, of course. It is just sometimes I get so overwhelmed with the negative thinking. My goal is to reach the point where I don't reach that point anymore, though. Heh.

    Thanks for the kind words, everybody!
  7. h3g3l's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by kaworuchan
    No offense dude, but I tried that SOOO many times. But the bitterness is so pervasive in my spirit that even if I can get it out of my mind for a couple of minutes, it just comes back stronger than before.

    Then again, I am not wired the way most people are.
    Awww ... you didn't want to go in on Misanthrope Island with me?
  8. ShippoFox's Avatar
    I kinda know how you feel. I have a lot of bitterness inside me. I don't want to be so bitter, but it's hard not to be. I have so many things to worry about, and sometimes I think there's just nothing I can do about them. It just makes me resent society and human nature. Anyway, I do my best not to show it and I'm not really a violent person.

    How about Misanthrope Planet?
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