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Breaking point

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wew, where to start. Life was never easy for me, i dont want to go through specifics but its been one bumpy ride in my 25 years so far. I have learned alot and became a better man as the years go on but im not a person who can thrive in negativity. I guess i really am an innocent soul. I guess we should focus on the baby stuff. I started at a very early age as my mother as mentioned to me before that when i was 4 i didnt want to leave nappies and she had a hell of a time trying to break me and they would resort to all kinds of tactics like lying and rewarding. I was a pretty smart baby so from what i could gather is figured out what my parents were attempting to get me to do.

As the years go on family troubles arise and things were never easy, like i said i dont want to talk about my life outiside the diaper stuff but alot of it plays a major part so i will disclose information as we go along but know there is a ton of other stuff that you will probably never read. My first real incident on being "found" out about wearing was when i was 9 and i took one of the neighborhood friends goodnights and went home wearing it. Good old shirt ride did me in good. Parents reactions were not good. They had me walk down the street in nothing but a t-shirt and diaper and apologize to the parents of the kid. After that i attached shame and guilt to diaper wearing.

As the years progressed my little self started to crop up. I liked cute/girly things and as a male it was obviously rough. Parents never let me picked my own clothes because the hated the fashion i was into, bright pastel colors and cute/silly logos. I found talking to other people difficult and developed a habit of talking with my hands to keep myself from stuttering. During my younger years in school i was always bullied and picked on but my later years of school life i turned around but nobody really caught on to my AB habits that i would sometimes do in public without realizing like instinctively bring my fingers to my mouth and just start nibbling. (Did that because my semi conscious self kinda knew not to be sucking my thumb in public.) I would fiddle with small simple objects in my hands while doing other stuff so all in all i think it was pretty obvious to the trained eye i would be a future AB to other abdls.

Anyways fastforward to adult hood and as i was getting older all the feelings i had when i was younger and forced to hold back due to my environment started to get real strong. I was good at being a stone wall of emotions but i was starting to crack. I lost alot of irl friends and ended up in not so good place of mind for awhile. Became a borderline alcoholic for like a year and through myself into debt because of it, couldn't afford health insurance so no chance of a therapist and at this time i didnt want to talk to anyone as i attributed some stuff to really being crazy like the whole AB stuff so to avoid a trip to the loony bin i just never bothered to have that as an option but lord knows i needed it, and i guess i still kinda need it now.

The real life changing stuff started to happen about a year from this blogpost when i finally had enough. I quit my old job and tried to hit up anyone on my facebook for a place to stay in my old hometown while i get myself back togather. BIG MISTAKE, (maybe not) The person who eventually agreed was not a good person at all, in fact he was evil. could see it in his eyes but i had no choice. This was it, my trial through fire to actual adulting. It was bad, he had no intentions of helping me like an actual friend. He used me and took me for all that i was worth. Didnt have much money as i was only making 300 every 2 weeks from some part time gig i landed when i got there. Long story short he bleed me of nearly all my money with guilt tripping. (im naturally shy and non confrontational, i dont handle confrontation well thanks to my childhood). Because of this he walked all over me and in one instance led to rape. I was raped, at first i was strong and pretended like it didnt happen because i had no place else to go so i sheilded my mind and drudged on.

About a month ago all the stress it me real hard. I snapped and i gave him one hell of (well crafted speech) That ended up being pointless because his true intentions became apparent and the argueing would not have stopped. So i gave him the middle finger and left after packing everything in my car. Sitting alone in a wal mart parking alot, for the first time in a long time i cried. I balled like a baby. My parents didnt want me, i had no good friends left, and my brother was the only one left.

I love my bro man, i would give anything to know no harm would come to him. Hes my little bro we may have not have been on the same page most are life but those times when we teamed up were glorious as children. I will always have his back and he has mine. Anyways ya i called him and he got me a room. For the past 2 weeks all the bullshit has been creeping up hard in my mind, All the stress from everything in my life started to crash in around me. My bro started to kinda drift away after like the day i got here, i tried to make it obvious i need him to my best bro for a little while because i was not in a good place but you know, he is who he is and i know he cares about me. The breaking point happened last monday from the time of this blogpost.

My parents had asked us if we wanted to go with them to the puyallup fair. My little self jumped with joy of course and agreed. my bro initially said yes only because he thought his fiance wanted to go and she thought he wanted to go. So here comes the morning of and my bro sends me a message at like 3 am that he couldnt sleep and said he wasnt going. Sure i was sad but it was ok i mean i still love my parents even after all the bullshit so it wont be that bad i guess, (just cant bring a nappie with me ). The morning was all nice and fine, My bro called me though around 1pm and said i had a package awaiting me (not going to say what it was but i was super excited) wanted to get away from the awkwardness but i did a dumb and told my mom i would be back because i love her and i know she cant stand to be around dad very long alone. Rushed back home to do some stuff. While i got home i found something that hit me hard, i found a hot topic bag on the table, My brother blew me off and my only day off from work to go to hot topic. I was gonna try and ask again if he wanted to come and he even offered to pay for rides and stuff but he just said no and i left it at that. So i get back in my car and head to the fair. Only problem is i never made it. I got into a accident that fucked my car pretty bad. so an hour on waiting for the cops and exchanging info i finaly got back into my car, everything apeared fine, nothing was leaking and just my front bumper took some bad damage. So i figured ok my car is still operational i can still get to the fair. RRRRR wrong, half way to my destination and my i look at my temp gauge and guess what. My engine is close to blowing and im already a good 30 miles out.

So for the nex hour and half i had to drive home going 15 miles an hour as to not push the car so hard and get it home without damaging the motor. and in that time i had alot to think about. Needless to say it was the straw that broke the camels back. i felt dead inside, like nothing mattered anymore. Got home everyone was telling me i need to do this and that and i just said i need to be alone. I didnt call my insurance to get someone out like i should have, i didnt call my parents to apologize why i didnt come back. i just sat in my room staring at the wall. I had some diapers because of my DL side at the time and i never fully embraced my little self. My brothers fiancee loved cute things and i had a huge pony plushie collection so after some time playing with my mind and trying to take it all in i had a moment of weakness. I broke, i put on the diaper, i cuddled with my fave blankie hoodie at my desk i opened netflix and put on mlp fim took a mlp 30 piece puzzle set my mom got me as a gag gift couple years back. Smoked a good 3-4 bowls of some good weed and it happened. I became a baby in my mind again, i was in peaceful bliss. Cut short by my non privacy respecting bro and for a 2nd i was going to melt as there i was sitting on a pony rocking chair (hard to explain but its a pony sized vehicle thing like those hummer toys all the boys had in the 90s only the body is a pony and big enough for me to sit on comfortably.) in nothing but my -shirt and diaper playing with some my ponies from my collection. Though instead he said, i dont judge bro, i love you man. He hugged me and left the room. So here i am broken but im in a good place and im getting better.

TLR What a fucking trip

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