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SwinginPendulum

Diapers as an addictive coping mechanism.

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I was baptized and confirmed a Catholic this past Easter, and I've intended mostly for God to help me move through my own mental and spiritual obstacles to becoming at peace with myself. It's been a rough journey with all sorts of facets within my life, but as far as diapers go, I've been praying to God, why do I have this? Why is it so strong in me?

I've believed that it's just me. That my attraction to diapers is natural, and that it was natural to happen that way. And especially lately, I've been BEGGING for a diaper girl to fall into my lap, so that the burden of sharing this intimate part of me would done and gone. What better way to connect with someone than to start with a niche fetish? (/s)

For a while I've thought that it was normal for me to stress about these things, and that surely God could understand my plight as a diaper loving dude who doesn't have much going for him at the moment. Just give me a girl to connect with and everything will be fine. I dwell a lot on this topic, and it is in this fear of exposing my inner sanctuary to a lover, that is the root of my stress. It's not necessarily about finding a girl to be with; this Philosopher's Stone of a girlfriend that I keep praying for is not really what I want.

I've been through hell in the past seven years or so. My family was completely shredded up because a nephew of mine sexually abused another nephew of mine, a minor, some years ago. Two sisters no longer talk because of this, the two mothers of these nephews. One of them got a divorce because she acted out continuously and desecrated her marriage (some years far later, unrelated to her marriage, she got an abortion and subsequently tried to commit suicide). I remember a conversation that the victim's mother, my older sister, told that she had with her son. He had been laying in bed with her and tried to get her to touch him. She didn't but asked why he was doing this, in a calm manner. He said it's because he's been touched like that, and that it's a game he's come to like playing. She asked who it was, he said nothing. She asked what this person would do to him, and he said that he'd touch him in the front and the back, and then she asked "what do you do after?"

"Cry."

My sister got severe bipolar disorder in her third year of college. It went undiagnosed for a long time and I swear it's like her brain got wiped clean. She wasn't a person, she couldn't act like a person. Her brain got fucking fried. Two years that I can't even remember because of how unreal it all was. Then she got diagnosed and refused to take her medicine, which ended in hospitalization three times. The psychotic breaks weren't as bad as when she first got sick but they were scary enough. There was a very perceptible, slow downward spiral that we tried to fix every damn time it started, but frustratingly we could do nothing to convince her to do what was right. She said awful things to all of us and pushed us away. It's what bipolar is, I think. Her second hospital trip the nurse, for whatever fucking reason, told my other sister and I that she said she would hang herself if she could. They were confirming ideations and there it was! A noose around the fucking fan is how she would go. She would continually ask the nurse watching her if she was gay. Not the nurse, but herself. She isn't the same and never will be.

And then there's me! I got deathly ill with Crohn's for three months, and came closer to death than I could perceive at the time. No one visited me except for one friend of mine. People knew, but no one cared except my family. Whatever. That was different. I could handle that. Any time something awful happens to me in particular I tough it out, but to people I care about? Forget it, I get all eaten up.

Anyways. All this to say, I don't want a diaper girl. I want an answer that will bring me peace. A diaper girl might bring me joy for a bit but it won't bring me an answer. It would just be a distraction. Maybe it's my way of asking God to settle the debts, I guess. I hate that it comes out like that, but could He at least entertain me with whatever fleeting things I'd like to explore before he sends another pile of shit to test me with? It's not right to think that way and I don't want to, but all I've known is pain for so fucking long. Just give me a break, God, please. Just hear me.

I wasn't into diapers as much as I am now, but watching hopes and dreams fade one after another, and after getting the shortest end of the stick when it comes to relationships, it's all I can do to tape up and shut the world out. Five straight years of shutting the world out more and more, and the past two having been a struggle to open myself back up, despite that nothing has changed! Life is still a steaming pile of shit.

Idk. I wanted this blog post to end with a revelation about myself, but I can't reveal much more than that; that life sucks, and that diapers are like drugs for me anymore. Thanks for reading this far if you have.
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  1. Trevor's Avatar
    I can see you're struggling and I don't have an easy answer. Unfortunately, I don't see prayer, at least in itself as the answer. I'm sure it's more complex but your description in this blog is almost as a kind of wish fulfillment. I don't believe in prayer anymore but if there is anything to it, I have to think it would still require effort beyond just praying on the part of the supplicant to achieve anything.

    Diaper girls, whether you now want one or not, don't fall into one's lap any more than a release from conflicting desires. What you want is a partner who can accept you and love you and your many quirks as you accept and love her. This is far from impossible but you'll likely have to find someone who isn't an ABDL and get them excited about sharing it with you.

    Actively seek the companionship you desire. Seek a better balance in this desire. As much as I believe it isn't a bad thing, anything can become harmful by over-indulgence. Accept that you're going to slip up sometimes but keep working at it.

    Lastly, I'm sorry your family has been through such times. Sometimes, things seem impossible to get past but still life goes on. Keep trying!
  2. SwinginPendulum's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by Trevor
    I can see you're struggling and I don't have an easy answer. Unfortunately, I don't see prayer, at least in itself as the answer. I'm sure it's more complex but your description in this blog is almost as a kind of wish fulfillment. I don't believe in prayer anymore but if there is anything to it, I have to think it would still require effort beyond just praying on the part of the supplicant to achieve anything.

    Diaper girls, whether you now want one or not, don't fall into one's lap any more than a release from conflicting desires. What you want is a partner who can accept you and love you and your many quirks as you accept and love her. This is far from impossible but you'll likely have to find someone who isn't an ABDL and get them excited about sharing it with you.

    Actively seek the companionship you desire. Seek a better balance in this desire. As much as I believe it isn't a bad thing, anything can become harmful by over-indulgence. Accept that you're going to slip up sometimes but keep working at it.

    Lastly, I'm sorry your family has been through such times. Sometimes, things seem impossible to get past but still life goes on. Keep trying!
    Thanks man. Means a lot. I would actually prefer someone who has their own quirks instead of someone who shares my own all the way. I know it's not hard to find someone like that but especially in the past two years, it seems like all I can find are girls who don't want to even try understanding. It's super discouraging. I do believe that one day my prayers will be answered. The ice is getting really thin though and I'm unsure about whether God wants me to fall through it or stay on top.

    Thanks again.
  3. egor's Avatar
    I hear your story, and am not 100% sure what to say.

    I hid my situation for decades and finally came to accept it.

    There is such a struggle until self acceptance is achieved.

    Once I got that a balance and understanding followed.

    I really have not said anything new or revealing.

    I wish you luck.
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