View RSS Feed

gnd567

I feel lost and lonely.

Rate this Entry
PREFACE: This is REALLY LONG. Don't read if you don't have the time. I know there's probably nobody that wants to hear me vent but I have to put this somewhere because there's literally nobody I can tell tHis to and I feel so hopeless right now.

I'm 27 and feel completely alone. I mean, I'm NOT technically alone, I live with my parents and I have my band and they're all great and I'm grateful but I can't help but feel empty.

The fact is, I need to be little. I have the diapers and they're excellent and one of the only things that keeps me sane but not being able to actually regress and let myself be little is eating me up inside. I've never actually had the chance to let myself go and just be little. I need SOMEONE, a mommy, to encourage me and make me feel safe enough to let my little side actually come out to play.

One of my biggest obstacles is meeting people. I'm legally blind which means I can see a tiny bit but not enough to drive etc. and because of my handicap I was bullied daily by several and flat-out ignored by others and even run off by others during school as well as kicked out of a couple of schools because I was too much work for the teachers because my disability. Also, I had 55 eye procedures done between ages 2 and 8 and continue to suffer PTSD symptoms from several of those experiences.

As a result, I was terribly shy child. From around ages 5 to 9 I pretty much refused to speak in public unless I really knew the person well. I'd hide. This meant that I didn't develop a lot of social skills because people always look at me funny because of my messed up eye and they stare at me and ask me what's wrong with me and why my eye looks so fucked up. People also also associate being blind (which I usually tell people I am because it's easier than explaining) with being mentally handicap. Why? I don't know. There's no correlation between the two that I know of but they assume that because I can't see that I must also be autistic and have a hard time hearing and I feel like they talk down to me like I'm a child and it hurts me. It makes me angry.

I have developed trust issues over the years because I've been burned by a few people whom I thought were friends and also due to the many times I was tricked by medical staff as child: they'd distract you with a toy or something and then BOOM your'e strapped down to a table with your eye sockets forcibably held open and bright lights shining in them while they're prodding around!!!

It's caused me to have a hare trigger. I'm working on getting better at containing my self but I am very easily provoked. I work hard at getting past that because I've come close to getting into serious legal trouble a couple of times. I have no sense when I go off.

But what people DON'T KNOW about me is that beneath all of that is a very gentle, loving person that just wants to be accepted. That just wants to belong. But I don't know how. I've been cut off by so many people that I don't know how to make a real connection with people unless its through playing music onstage. That's the only time I feel confident. Offstage, I'm shy, introverted and perceived my strangers as being an asshole when really I'm just avoiding making conversation so that I don't run the risk embarrassing myself. Onstage is different. Onstage I'm engaging and exude confidence as both a musician and a showman and people agree that onstage we're a force to reckoned with. This confidence doesn't seem to translate to my offstage personality at all though.

I need female companionship but I've never been intimate before. I'm 27 years old and still a virgin because I suffer from an incurable, so-far, form of E.D. as a result of exposure to high amounts of radiation as an infant. They thought my eye problems were cancer and they treated me for it for a while until they realized that's not what it was. The damage was done. This plus my lack of eyesight make me feel like less of a man. What would a a woman want that I could give them? I can't have traditional sex, I can't drive, I can't do handyman work around the house for them, I can't cook and my life as a pro musician means I'm gone for sometimes as much as a week at time on the road touring. And when I am home, I live in my bedroom at my parents house, like a loser.

I also don't want a traditional relationship per se. She must be accepting of my little side and willing to be my mommy. I don't mean all the time-24/7 or any of that stuff. I mean a couple of times a week at the most. I'm not that selfish that I'd want to be someone's baby 365 days of the year but maybe one day a week would be nice. I'd be forever grateful. I know relationships are all about give and take and I would have no problem pulling my weight and being as good a boyfriend to my girlfriend as I would being a baby to my mommy. I wouldn't mind a switch relationship if it turned out she wanted to be little too. I'm not a naturally Daddy but fair is fair. I'd do my best to a good daddy if it meant I got to be baby too. I have no problem making sacrifices like that because as much as I want to be happy, I also want to make others happy.

But I don't how to go about it. I've tired FetLife before but I'm a bit scared of putting myself out there online and being either recognized or getting involved in something I don't want. I want to meet other ABDLs but I don't have a way to get to a local munch. I never go out alone and I don't have anyone I could go to one with because I don't know any ABDLs and my one vanilla friend (I only have 1 friend left) would be completely weirded out. I know she's out there but I'm unable to reach out. I want to connect. I want to find her. I can't and won't settle for a regular relationship either. I want us to be a regular couple most of the time but I want us to have our special mommy/baby time that we can share together. Something that brings us closer together. That's what I really want.

Everyone that knows me in real life knows I want my band to be successful (not rockstars, just have a good national following: which we ARE starting to do) but what I want most of all is to find that someone that I can be my true self around because keeping this all inside of me is starting to eat me up inside. It's gut wrenching. For the last couple of weeks I've found myself alone in the dark crying myself to sleep clutching my teddy bear and praying for mommy to come get me. I just don't understand why I couldn't be normal? I already have it hard enough, why do I have to complicate things further by having a strange kink?

If you're still hear, sorry you had to hear all that but I've been needing to get this off my chest for a while. I'm lonely and hurting terribly. but I'm not giving up. I just don't what I'm going to do yet.
Categories
Uncategorized

Comments

  1. SpAzpieSweeTot's Avatar
    I hear you, literally. Thank you, text reader. I also, as best I can, understand you. I'm disabled, too, CP, and, so ridiculously possibly, a Spectrumite. Don't you hate that way people talk? When they notice the blindness, and immediately, start. . . Talking . . . Slowly. . . . . . And. . . distinctly . . . So that you may un-der-stand them? God, dude, I so get it.

    Once, in school, my class had earned a pizza party, and I had no idea why, because they earned it during a class I was, "resource roomed," for, but the lunch lady, who'd ordered the real pizza, says to my physical therapist, because I was walking at the time we found out about the pizza party.

    Anyway, the lunch lady, with me in fucking earshot, mind you, says, "It doesn't matter. She can't have pizza anyway. Can she," as if I must not be able to fucking chew, because I'm cerebrally palsied! I was walking on my walker! Generally, if you're so badly cerebrally palsied as to not be able to got-damn eat, walking, even with a walker, ain't something you're doing.

    Normies are idiots, sweetie. I'm sorry. I get it. A lot of Auties are also blind, but they aren't always mutually exclusive. Even if you were on the autism spectrum, why do the normies think Autistic= stupid? Hell, I know retarded people who aren't stupid!
  2. gnd567's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by SpAzpieSweeTot
    I hear you, literally. Thank you, text reader. I also, as best I can, understand you. I'm disabled, too, CP, and, so ridiculously possibly, a Spectrumite. Don't you hate that way people talk? When they notice the blindness, and immediately, start. . . Talking . . . Slowly. . . . . . And. . . distinctly . . . So that you may un-der-stand them? God, dude, I so get it.

    Once, in school, my class had earned a pizza party, and I had no idea why, because they earned it during a class I was, "resource roomed," for, but the lunch lady, who'd ordered the real pizza, says to my physical therapist, because I was walking at the time we found out about the pizza party.

    Anyway, the lunch lady, with me in fucking earshot, mind you, says, "It doesn't matter. She can't have pizza anyway. Can she," as if I must not be able to fucking chew, because I'm cerebrally palsied! I was walking on my walker! Generally, if you're so badly cerebrally palsied as to not be able to got-damn eat, walking, even with a walker, ain't something you're doing.

    Normies are idiots, sweetie. I'm sorry. I get it. A lot of Auties are also blind, but they aren't always mutually exclusive. Even if you were on the autism spectrum, why do the normies think Autistic= stupid? Hell, I know retarded people who aren't stupid!
    Thank you. Someone does understand! I've had several situations similar to yours. I hate it when people talk about me within earshot as if I can't hear them! I'm not dumb and I can hear you. What really pisses me off is, because I can see a tiny bit, I can sometimes catch people staring and pointing and have even seen a couple of people stick their foot out to try to trip me on purpose and I've had chairs pulled out from under me ect. People can be cruel yet when I get mad I'm made out to be the asshole. Probably another reason it takes me awhile to trust people. It would be nice to have a place where I felt comfortable enough to be "little" for a while. Living at home, there's always someone there and someone is always awake so there's never anytime to myself. I can wear my diapers underneath my clothes but other than that I can't be little. I don't feel safe enough to regress.
  3. Maxx's Avatar
    Well if you can't rant here, where can you rant?

    I hope you can find someone. Or that someone finds YOU. Sometimes that's difficult even without obstacles, but there are 7 billion people in the world, and fortunately you live in an age when communications are possible even with significant physical disabilities. The odds are long but not impossible.

    P.S. Have a little tolerance for us normies. Even when we try to be understanding, it's not easy to do or say the 'right thing' when interacting with a disabled someone. Every set of abilities and disabilities is different, and we don't run into any of them often enough to have rehearsed. Suddenly, there you are and we have to instantly assess what is or isn't appropriate.
  4. SpAzpieSweeTot's Avatar
    Yeah, sorry, Maxx. Most normies are idiots. Only most. See? The thing is, you outnumber us, so, we have to tolerate normies far more than normies have to tolerate us, so, it's like, "Well, la-dee-dah! I've been tolerating you, every second, for my whole life; God forbid you tolerate me for a few minutes of yours!"

    Not you, specifically, as you have experience. You was the easiest word to use. Once, my Aunt Suzi made the mistake of opening the door for someone in a wheelchair, and I had to explain the lady's reaction to her.

    I asked her how she'd feel, if she were in a, "Use the skill, or lose it," situation, and had spent months, or years, learning, and/or maintaining it, and someone, who didn't know her, decided to do it for her. I said, "Aunt Suzi, she didn't set out to bite your head off, but you probably weren't the first to try to help that day," and it helped her get it.

    Once, my sister's aid in high school tried to bend her fork, so it'd be adapted to her hand, and she got really angry. The aid said she was making a scene. Sis didn't miss a beat. "Damn straight! Put it back! Put it back," she kept repeating, then burst into tears. Get it? She didn't spend so ridiculously long learning to use a regular one, proving the occupational therapist, who said she'd never learn to eat without special utensils, wrong, to have her fork bent, years later, by some lady, who didn't know her ass from a hole in the ground, enough to even have a clue why she was upset.

    gnd567, I really wish we could hang out together, because, if someone tried tripping you, or pulling your chair out from under you. . .

    "Nurse, what's the patient's chief complaint?"

    "A girl in a wheelchair chewed his ass for harassing a partially blind man, and lost one of her teeth. He needs it extracted from his ass!"
    Updated 1 Week Ago at 19:47 by SpAzpieSweeTot
  5. gnd567's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by SpAzpieSweeTot
    Yeah, sorry, Maxx. Most normies are idiots. Only most. See? The thing is, you outnumber us, so, we have to tolerate normies far more than normies have to tolerate us, so, it's like, "Well, la-dee-dah! I've been tolerating you, every second, for my whole life; God forbid you tolerate me for a few minutes of yours!"

    Not you, specifically, as you have experience. You was the easiest word to use. Once, my Aunt Suzi made the mistake of opening the door for someone in a wheelchair, and I had to explain the lady's reaction to her.

    I asked her how she'd feel, if she were in a, "Use the skill, or lose it," situation, and had spent months, or years, learning, and/or maintaining it, and someone, who didn't know her, decided to do it for her. I said, "Aunt Suzi, she didn't set out to bite your head off, but you probably weren't the first to try to help that day," and it helped her get it.

    Once, my sister's aid in high school tried to bend her fork, so it'd be adapted to her hand, and she got really angry. The aid said she was making a scene. Sis didn't miss a beat. "Damn straight! Put it back! Put it back," she kept repeating, then burst into tears. Get it? She didn't spend so ridiculously long learning to use a regular one, proving the occupational therapist, who said she'd never learn to eat without special utensils, wrong, to have her fork bent, years later, by some lady, who didn't know her ass from a hole in the ground, enough to even have a clue why she was upset.

    gnd567, I really wish we could hang out together, because, if someone tried tripping you, or pulling your chair out from under you. . .

    "Nurse, what's the patient's chief complaint?"

    "A girl in a wheelchair chewed his ass for harassing a partially blind man, and lost one of her teeth. He needs it extracted from his ass!"
    Yep! I totally get it! I totally get the whole "Use the skill or lose it" thing. I have very little sight but what little sight I do have, I defiantly USE and I try to remain as independent as I can be and do as many things for myself as I can.
  6. gnd567's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by Maxx
    Well if you can't rant here, where can you rant?

    I hope you can find someone. Or that someone finds YOU. Sometimes that's difficult even without obstacles, but there are 7 billion people in the world, and fortunately you live in an age when communications are possible even with significant physical disabilities. The odds are long but not impossible.

    P.S. Have a little tolerance for us normies. Even when we try to be understanding, it's not easy to do or say the 'right thing' when interacting with a disabled someone. Every set of abilities and disabilities is different, and we don't run into any of them often enough to have rehearsed. Suddenly, there you are and we have to instantly assess what is or isn't appropriate.
    Thank you. I hope so too because I've been very lonely lately but also very unsure how to find someone. I know there's still a chance and I'm not going to give up hope yet. I just don't have a lot of confidence in myself because I feel like have nothing to offer even though that's probably not true.

    And I know I need to have a little tolerance for normies. I know most aren't used to dealing with disabilities. I sometimes get very frustrated putting up with peoples perception of what I can and can't do. Many people don't believe I have vision problems because I can walk around and I play guitar in a band. For some reason, they think blind people can't front a rock band and I don't know why.
  7. Maxx's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by gnd567
    they think blind people can't front a rock band and I don't know why.
    Correct me if I'm mistaken... but isn't/wasn't John Kay of Steppenwolf visually impaired?
  8. gnd567's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by Maxx
    Correct me if I'm mistaken... but isn't/wasn't John Kay of Steppenwolf visually impaired?
    Yes. That's a good point! I never even thought about it too much but he sure is. I'm not sure what his condition is but he's definitely visually impaired. But he fronted a kick-ass biker/classic rock band. I'll have to bring that point up next time. Thanks!
ADISC.org - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community.
ADISC.org is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.