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AustinTheLionhearted

A Eureka Moment to End the Internal War Inside My Head! Peace at Last!

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Hi Everyone,

I have had a realization over the past few weeks. Maybe this realization may apply to others among the group who feel down, hopeless or otherwise. I was at my lowest point a few weeks ago again, like so many times before. I was brought into my parent's bedroom and talked to them seriously for the first time in years. What I realized is that by continuing the war inside my head and keeping both sides of myself separate, it would allow a third party into the argument. I nickname this part "the dragon" for a few reasons. For some people who haven't read up on dragon lore in fairy tales here's a little lesson:

Dragons are mythical creatures that have many different abilities including flight and occasionally to breathe fire. By personality, Dragons are loners by nature and tend to guard valuables they amass or steal from humans because they have a sense of greed. They will defend their treasure until their death while fiercely and mercilessly killing anyone who tries to steal or destroy their treasure. Smaug from the Hobbit/Lord of the Rings series is a prime example of this.

Anyway, I digress, this dragon was coveting my little side like gold or any other valuable object. Whenever I was threatened this new part of me took control of the adult side to fend off anyone that dared get close by any means necessary. This was alright and all, but the dragon had one downside. I was prone to self-sabotage because the dragon wanted me to remain constant. The dragon feared that if I changed at all I would be considered weak and the dragon would devour my big personality. This self-sabotage got me into a lot of trouble over the years and afterwards left me prone to major depression and other dark thoughts. Once I realized that my self-sabotage was happening because of the dragon coveting the little side, I used the power of positive thinking to put the dragon either to bed or slayed him so that my personality could thrive again. Although the integration of the two wasn't easy, the coexistence was necessary to ensure my living life to the fullest. Survival wasn't enough anymore, although the dragon did help until the end of high school, survival could only get me so far in a world where positive thinking individuals are much easier to get along with.

To add on to the poem I made a few posts ago here is a continuation:
After getting in trouble with authority...
I was almost damned again by those whom I thought wanted to hurt me,
But what I realized at home was that I was the one who was hurting myself...
Through my dragon I could survive, but never live happily...
As he kept a watchful eye over my greatest treasure...
The little side of me...

If my little side were threatened, the dragon would roar and take control of me...
The dragon would do terrible things to ensure my survival...
He, pushed not only my enemies away, but my friends and greatest advocates...
Limiting the effectiveness of their defense of me...
I once thought the world was against me,
but not anymore...

I have slain the dragon that was sabotaging my future...
and have slain the past that once haunted me...
I move on after a long time being on life support...
I am a person vying for survival....
When surviving isn't enough anymore...

My two sides get out of the trenches and shake hands...
as No Man's Land disappears and the rift is closed between my personalities...
Both of them learn to coexist and make each other stronger...
It is as if I am back to the self that I thought was dead...
Not the little side I had toted as being a replacement...
But the me before the trauma...
Now stronger for it...

The best of both worlds, you could say...
But I still have the urges to be little...
It is not as strong as it was before...
But it is still there...

Now as I face the future,
as any new leader should,
I can be at peace with both sides of me..
as the personalities beat as one..

It has been a long war,
and a tough war,
But finally the time has come...
for the soldiers to put down their rifles...
and the artillery to be dismantled...

The days of strife and struggle are over...
And a new era of peace and prosperity will dawn..
Although my war has ended....
I am still a child inside...
For the trials that may lie ahead, perhaps
I may still need it...

So I regress as stress relief and liberation from a tough spot when I need it...
Not as an escape to hide from the past that happened...
so many years ago...
When the time comes,
that I need it again...
It will always be there...
to comfort me through...
the tough times...
and stressful times...

When that time comes...
I will frolic in the secret garden that has bloomed in flowers...
Playing as the carefree toddler...
That I am...

----
Until Next Time,

Austin The Lionhearted
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Comments

  1. Osito's Avatar
    That sounds positive.

    The overall message I got through your poem was that you are making progress accepting your little side and feeling happier.
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