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gnd567

Coming to the realization....

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I'm coming to the realization that the life that I've always wanted may not be attainable. I know I'll never have good vision, I've lived with that my whole life and since there's no miracle cure out there, I've accepted my handicap for what it is. What bothers me is how nothing I want seems to ever happen. I know Mick says "You Can't Always Get What You Want", but I'd like to get what I want at least occasionally. I don't think that's too much to ask.

All my life, I've only had a couple of things that I've ever really wanted. They are:
1. - to be a musician in a successful touring band. Not a rockstar or anything like that, that's not my style, but someone who is able to make a decent living playing to their loyal fanbase. Not night after night of playing covers in a redneck bar but in a large club or small theater to few hundred fans and the occasional festival gig to the larger crowds there to see us and other bands of a similar genre.

and

2. - to be in a relationship with someone who understands me. Someone who can receive all this love that I have in my heart that I keep hidden. Someone who knows that deep down inside, under my stage persona of a confident rocker is actually a shy little toddler who needs a mommy to help him feel safe. Someone I can share both my little and big sides with. I sometimes feel like I live a lie because I have keep the little part of me completely hidden and he never gets to really come out. I regress alone but I crave someone to share this part of myself with. Someone that makes me feel accepted.

I know the chances of either happening are pretty slim. Guitar-driven rock music is dead and ABDL-rleationships aren't common. I know that and I've always known that. But I've also never let that stop and I've always been very dedicated to making my dreams come true and proving everyone wrong when they said I would only ever be a poor blind man living in an assisted-living home.

But, everyday I look around me and see that while everyone else is meeting their goals, I'm not meeting mine. While my sister moved out, went to college, got engaged and bought a house with her fiancÚ, I still live at home.
While my peers and colleagues get big gig opportunities seemingly handed to them, opening for major acts, I'm stuck playing "Brown Eyed Girl" and "Wagon Wheel" in a cover band for 10 drunks and the bartender because I can't make enough money playing with my own original band even though our music is heard in over 30 countries worldwide.

I'm not giving up of course, I have no other option but to keep trying. It's just when I see a couple who are obviously in love or when I see a band that just started, get a gig on a festival I've been talking to for 3 years without even having a record, I feel hurt. I hate feeling jealous or envious. I just want happiness.

Updated 1 Week Ago at 03:54 by gnd567

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  1. KimbaWolfNagihiko's Avatar
    I know this feeling...

    Other people my age have jobs and relationships and places of their own. Meanwhile since finishing high school, I've accomplished... pretty much nothing. I've had two jobs, one that was seasonal and one I was fired from. I have very little hope that I'll ever be able to support myself. Once my parents are gone... I'll guess I won't have a choice but to try to get on disability for my autism. Hell, the clock is ticking before my dad's boss decides to close up shop, and I don't know what he's going to do after that, how he's planning on supporting me and my mom.

    I don't need to be rich or powerful, but knowing that I'm not going to end up on the street one day would be nice I suppose. But as I've told my therapist, I've kind of already accepted that that's probably going to be my fate.

    And of course, I have that same nagging desire, that same festering need for a caregiver. I can just imagine it: I could be so safe and secure! Someone else could look out for me, make sure I'm fed and clothed and won't wind up homeless; take care of all that grown-up stuff I don't feel fit to handle. Like the time my therapist started talking about furthering my education and student loans, and I had to shut her down - that's way too adultish for me. I just want to be picked up, held, and told everything's going to be alright. I want to know that human warmth and affection I haven't felt in a long time.
  2. gnd567's Avatar
    Yeah, I couldn't live on my own. I don't make enough and am just not prepared enough for the adult world. And yes, I too want nothing more than to be picked up and held and told that everything is going to alright.
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