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AustinTheLionhearted

Will My Little Side be Imprisoned Again? Still thinking of Suicide? Is this Goodbye?

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Hi all,

Even when I am not employed I still would like to be in diapers. If it were my choice I would dive deep into my little space an live like that every day for at least two years... Unfortunately, society has plans for me and I cannot say no. So in essence I am living a double life, in some cases (because of my furry side) a triple life. I do not even know who I really am anymore. I just try to act like a responsible, studious and quiet college student on the outside, while on the inside I am a scared little 2 and a half year old toddler, who needs padding, nurturing and care to survive. I can no longer afford the luxury to care for one side without damaging the integrity of the other.

Now that I am back at college, even though I have padding and a few creature comforts to be little, I am afraid I may not have the time to actually be little. With my parents unsupportive at home and the time tight at school, I feel that I must give in to my adult half and have my inner-self fade into the background. Even though I desperately need both sides to survive, the stakes have been set so high that I must focus on one and keep the other side silent, come what may for my mental health. So here I am, tramping down the halls of my third year at college, not knowing the repercussions of my choice to isolate my little side who has ever-present urges to shrink. My personality might take a hit over the next years because of this.

My major malfunction is because of my past. I can no longer plan a course of action, I can no longer think like I used to, nor would I want to. I am indecisive against the simplest of decisions. I am at a standstill. I know that if I go to college, there is a chance I will have a future, but if I do not, my chances of survival are slim. Calculate the variables... By doing something I always have to sacrifice something. What will it be this time. My mental health? That has been broken long ago. My self-esteem? Never had any to being with. My Personality? Both sides are fighting each other in a death struggle to take control. What should I sacrifice to prevent taking my life? Keep in mind that I was ready to take my life at the end of last semester. As soon as I come to school, I am filled with the memories I had almost forgotten, I am haunted by my past and when it comes to a head, I find myself body and soul unable to function or continue living. I still push on, abusing myself to go forward and drag myself through the agony of the extended monotony of high school in the form of college.

The isolation is unbearable. The lack of nurturing, affection, care and common courtesy is really affecting me in a negative light. Despite going to my therapist all this summer I feel as if all of our progress has been reset to square one. I am lonely more than anything else. If only there were something in my life worth living for. I have relied on myself for so long I am unable to lean on others and trust them with information that only I know. Because of this I know almost no one at my school and I am without any friends or people that I can genuinely talk to. I try to keep a positive face in public, but it is really taxing on myself to project a lie about myself as genuinely as I can.

I only know that my pain must end. It must end soon on it's own, with someone else's help or by my own hand. Whichever happens, I am grateful for all of you for what truth you have shown me in what I have embraced in these short months. What happiness, however brief, you have given me. The fun times while in my toddler state on the discord server have been the happiest memories I carry since my last traumatic experience in high school and I hold the memories here close to my heart. Over the next few months I will be lonely, without anyone to comfort me except for my parents who misunderstand my intent so much that they may just not understand me. Who knows, I may have overreacted, but that is not this common an occurrence for me.

Although I cannot fault you for not responding to me in my mature topics post, this post here is the last hope I have of preventing my farewell to the world. I can no longer keep living if it means this monotony and business in my life continues. If you can give me enough reasons to have me keep living, list them or forever hold your peace. It has been a life of misery and cruelty and cheating death has made me hate life more and more. I am more than willing to hang myself from the second floor terrace of the science building, or jump from that terrace as well in order to get rid of this agony, this depression that just keeps coming back again and again and again. Despite God's promise of salvation, shall I ever find salvation in a world filled with hate, discontent and non-acceptance? Has the world corrupted itself, rotten to the core? I do not know these answers, nor could I be expected to know them as they are some of the great mysteries of this world. If you can convince me to keep living, please do so, but if you cannot then let me die in peace.

Farewell (Possibly),

Austin The Lionhearted
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Comments

  1. AustinTheLionhearted's Avatar
    Since talking with dragon of shadows in the discord chat I feel a little bit better... I have retreated to my little mode for now, but for now the goodbyes will be halted.
  2. Starrunner's Avatar
    I feel terrible. Probably just because of time commitments and the wording of your thread title, I didn't read or realize what was going on. My humblest apologies.

    College or university can be intimidating places and it can be so difficult to connect with other people. A lot of people can be overwhelmed by it. If you have any kind of a counsellor, advocate or ombudsman in the university, please talk to them as soon as possible to get some help. If you need some time away from your courses to focus on yourself, perhaps they can facilitate that. At the very least, they can listen and perhaps identify some options your therapist would not be aware of.

    If there's any kind of club that shares your interests or hobbies, then join it. When I transferred from college to university, I had already begun working on housing and tenant rights issues, so I joined a public interest research group to work on student housing issues and meet people with similar perspectives. It became my eespite in a very large university.

    Your update says you're feeling better now, so hang onto your little mode until you can safely resurface. I do suggest you contact your therapist or get yourself to a hospital as soon as possible. You may be feeling overwhelmed being back in college, but that can and will change. You don't want to take your life over this.

    National Suicide Prevention Numbers:

    1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)

    1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)


    Michigan Helplines

    http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/mich...-hotlines.html

    Please stay safe. There are people who care about you.
  3. AustinTheLionhearted's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by Starrunner
    I feel terrible. Probably just because of time commitments and the wording of your thread title, I didn't read or realize what was going on. My humblest apologies.

    College or university can be intimidating places and it can be so difficult to connect with other people. A lot of people can be overwhelmed by it. If you have any kind of a counsellor, advocate or ombudsman in the university, please talk to them as soon as possible to get some help. If you need some time away from your courses to focus on yourself, perhaps they can facilitate that. At the very least, they can listen and perhaps identify some options your therapist would not be aware of.

    If there's any kind of club that shares your interests or hobbies, then join it. When I transferred from college to university, I had already begun working on housing and tenant rights issues, so I joined a public interest research group to work on student housing issues and meet people with similar perspectives. It became my eespite in a very large university.

    Your update says you're feeling better now, so hang onto your little mode until you can safely resurface. I do suggest you contact your therapist or get yourself to a hospital as soon as possible. You may be feeling overwhelmed being back in college, but that can and will change. You don't want to take your life over this.

    National Suicide Prevention Numbers:

    1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)

    1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)


    Michigan Helplines

    http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/mich...-hotlines.html

    Please stay safe. There are people who care about you.
    Moo also talked to me..... He really helped me... I gotta stop being so austere, hard, heavy handed and parent-like to my inner child and myself. He told me that being nice to myself is the key to preventing me from reliving my past. He also gave me some nice strategies to mend my bond to my parents and fix some of the messes I made. I also have compounded a list about my little space, with Moo's help which will help me prevent button pushing in the future. I also have discovered, with guidance from Moo, some youtube related strategies of keeping me positive.

    Please disregard the above. Although the sentiments of these statements existed and were very real indeed, I was able to calm down enough to talk about it and that represented that I was able to keep myself under control under this kind of stress and pressure (however briefly). I will be meeting with my therapist again by Next Friday at 4PM. As for your comments Starrunner, I really appreciate them.

    Thank you so much (both me and my little side from the bottom of our beating hearts).
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