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Friday... Facing my demons.

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No dreams this time and no wet spot. Woke up on alarm because today was my appointment with the counselor. After driving 45 minutes and arriving at his office, I started revealing in full about my diapers obsession and the need to be 'little'. I had been giving him hints for weeks and he said that he could tell it was building up to this moment.

From what he gathered from what I said today, it was almost like a combination of the original stories of "The Princess and the Frog" and "Snow White". The original demon (as in the first person who wronged me) that is part of my life memoir found in the story forum section (Note: the characters are real, but their names have been changed to keep privacy rights upheld) is compared to the Evil Queen from "Snow White", but has the powers to cast spells like in "The Princess and the Frog." Where I'm going with this is that he said that this demon cast a spell on me to lock me in a no-win scenario that over time would deteriorate myself into hell. What I did to combat this change was to split my personality into two distinct facets that are linked together by at least one string.

The "Frog" is a personification of my 'little' side, helpless and mortified. The "Prince" is that of my other side who has parts of my other personality, but is meant to take punishment from other people and dish out some damage in return. The spell had another condition; that both sides needed to be maintained equally in order to balance the load between the two personalities. Hence this is where the problem presents itself; that an imbalance could make me unstable and could possibly lead to complete mental collapse. So when I recognized this change, I adapted and bent over backwards to my "Frog" side (going as far as stealing diapers) in order to keep it fed with the experiences of staying the innocent person I was before the demon hurt me. When I was caught and forced to tell my parents, they considered that part of me a foreign (sexual fetish) object that didn't belong, however I have come to know that part of me as an actual side (not a sexual fetish) to me that could be merged with my outer "Prince". Nevertheless, I could not convince my parents otherwise to fund it, despite me having accidents at least every other day in the bed.

After the summer I used to fuel my "Frog" side for the last time before a long break, I started to feel an imbalance by the second semester of my first year. Unfortunately, I was fresh out of supplies to feed my "Frog" side. I tried all kinds of stopgap measures to keep feeding my "Frog" in any other method that could possibly work. Airsoft, as one alternative, failed because not only were the funds not there - but my Parents were pacifists and wouldn't allow it. Computer Gaming worked for a time, but became a double-edged sword because I was expecting to become stronger in the game. Building computers and becoming an enthusiast in PC Hardware was another measure I implemented to keep me satisfied. Not only did it not work as well as I'd hoped, but it also cost a lot of money to get the parts for the PC I built.

A temporary respite was in my internship at VW during the summer after Freshman Year. It had an effect similar to what I used to provide to the "Frog" and helped tremendously. As soon as I got back to school, however, I quickly found that the effect was only temporary. After 2 months had passed, I started feeling the imbalance again. I also tried to compose music and arrange in my spare time which did work, however the effect only lasted a single day afterward. In addition, I only had basic software and to upgrade to what the pros use every day would have cost a fortune. Finally, I tried doing a combination of writing stories for the ABDL/'little' community, creating this account to talk to other people who were like me, and to go through a new sleep ritual (which I explained in one of my previous blog posts). This worked, but it was not enough. My "Frog" demanded more because it had been suppressed for so long. In addition, I found that I had trouble writing stories of sufficient length (compared to an average length story here) and also wrapping up stories in a concise way. Finally he said (looping back to the present day) that the only way to break me of this cycle and pursue it as I see fit, is to somehow make sure my demon is figuratively put into red hot iron slippers and made to dance until she dies (in traditional "Snow White" fashion).

I don't quite know what to think of it all, but I liked how he used fairy tales to personify the facets of my life and transform it into a method of solving my unyielding urge to spend money on diapers, pacifiers, bottles, clothes and other accessories in order to mend myself and correct my imbalance. What do you think of all this?

Until Next Time. Stay Padded, stay 'little' and stay 'you' my friends.

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