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A little blog about the truth, love and philosophy

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Here's the blog, as promised. It's mostly made from notes I've written when lying in bed, unable to fall asleep. The text is mostly true, but a few parts have been edited to a certain degree. I don't think my thoughts would make sense otherwise. Please beware of bad spelling, I'm really tired and I lack the energy to read everything through. So, big wall 'o text, coming up:

Thoughts of a sleepless night

What is freedom? Is it the choices that is presented to us, or the choices we mkae for ourselves? Well, as you know, when we grow up freedom isnít always present in our lives, we mainly follow a linear route that others has decided for us. When you grow up like that you canít really prepare yourself for real life. Is it we that make our choices, or does our choices make us?

Right now Iím presented with the biggest oppurtunity in life. For the first time Iím in command. But of course, this choice is not due until in a few years, so I still have time to make up my mind. But when the time arrives, will I be ready for it? Iím not sure Iíll ever be, I guess God only knows.

I have to choose a direction in life, where to go next. I could play a safe hand and go to lawschool, and from there study to become a lawyer. Or, if I feel like making a gamble, I could move out of Sweden and become a psychologist. Both choices is workrelated, I can see myself in both of them, but both requires sacrifises. Am I ready to put my whole life, my friends, behind me to pursue my dreams? But friend, believe me. Weíve only scraped the surface, there is more to this than meets the eye.

If I, for some reason, would like to not walk towards a walking future, there are even grander choices to make.

Should I follow my heart, and move in together with my girlfriend and work on our relationship? It is there my heart belongs, but I have trouble seeing a future there, it isnít just the proper oppurtunitys there for me to get a job. This could seem as the only right way to go, but thereís even more.

The never ending pursue of freedom. Just jump on the motorbike and just drive towards the horizon, ow wherever the world puts me. It would be a great gamble, Iíd be completely exposed to the world. But perhaps only then can I see what was meant to be for me. Or more importantly, it would be up to me alone to forge my life the way I see fit.

I feel so conflicted, there is no one to listen to. Everyone is biased, my family wants me to choose a good career, so I can support them and secure my future. My girlfriend on the other hand wants me close to her, and live together. But what do I want? Freedom? Happiness? In the end, is it really my decision to make? Or am I so controlled by others opinions that I am nothing more than a puppet?

I have so many alternatives, all of them holds a future for me, but none of them can please everyone. Whatever I do Iíll just let more people down. Would they forgive me? I donít think they realize my position here. All of us bleeds the same, so how can I put one human being in front of another? For me, this isnít really about my future any longer. Itís about the people who has made me the man I am today, the people I owe everything in life. So if they would somehow know how I feel, please stop asking me to decide, youíre everyting to me.

So many choices... Somehow, I canít really understand this. What is freedom? Is anyone free? Or are they like me, unknowingly manipulated by those they hodl dear?

In the end, our choices makes us.


~ Crassi


  1. Boogeyman's Avatar
    Noone makes their own choices. Not anymore.
  2. LostInMyHead's Avatar
    On a contrary note - I might add some late night reflection and ramblings to the subject.

    I was reading through these thoughts of mine and they make me sound really old....but I'm not old...I've just lead a very exciting/traumatic/adventurous life full of wild experience. I'm still a young adult. I hope you find something thought provoking in the essay that follows.

    I have lived largely in freedom and without externally imposed boundaries. For an unknown reason I have been graced with an opportunity to truly live according to my own choices and only with boundaries that I have imposed upon myself either by direct action or as a result of my choices.

    Because of this lifestyle I have enjoyed - I have experienced Artistic success beyond what most artists achieve; I've actually made a living and profession as an artist, meager at times and often with struggle ( was homeless for about six months), but I've made it work no less.

    My academic success has been mediocre at best which has resulted in certain self-imposed obstacles that need and/or needed to be overcome and limited and/or eliminated some opportunities in our modern culture for me.

    My professional life has largely been that of self-employment or at-will employment...where I have often served clients and employers on my own terms and conditions that we negotiated and mutually agreed upon. I have experienced both wealth and poverty (right now I'm sorta in between and surviving) due to this lifestyle.

    The opportunities and experiences I have enjoyed are directly related to the foundation I built once I decided to live deliberately/intentionally. I reap what I sow. I was fortunate to have learned to live my life a lot by how my heart and my spirituality guide me.

    Life has not been easy, but I have certainly been in control and I have made my own choice - enjoying both the good AND bad things that come from those choices.

    I've learned that Selfishness is absolute evil...and living life strictly for self pleasure seems only to lead to a life of pain and loneliness. At least the people who I have watched live a selfish life have all lived and died in the pain and loneliness they created for themselves.

    My older brother has lived a life of absolute selfishness - he has tortured, abused, manipulated, and exploited our family for his self pleasures since I was a young child. The trauma and damage he imposed on my parents and the rest of us kids for his own selfish desires often felt insurmountable, yet each time we overcame. He's a lot older than me and I have watched him live a life so selfish that he is finally at a point where he is truely alone, and though we have not thrown him away...he still feels alone because of the pain he's caused everyone. All the people that he used to party with, ride with, and indulge in selfish pleasures...are gone...everything has seemed to have lost its pleasure....he is dehydrated and thirsts for love and relationships....yet he is so dehydrated from his selfish life in which he controlled everything... that he is dying, terminally ill with addictions that once gave him pleasure and now only leave him with deep pain that feels incurable. All a result of the decisions that he made when he was young and thought that only he knew what was best for him. His world is now filled with boundaries, obstacles, and closed doors because of the decisions he made for himself out of instant and self gratification rather than calculated thought out responses to life. He will die because his has selfishness killed him.

    We all have the opportunity to be in control of our lives. We just have to get in the drivers seat. We hope that our parents and community around us will help to prepare us to sit in the driver seat and handle the responsibility that comes with that power. Some of us are fortunate to have a foundation built strong by loving people around us while others may have unstable foundations - but we all still have the opportunity to drive. Those of us with unstable foundations may have to work a little harder, do things a little differently, and compensate in other ways or study additional material to prepare ourselves; and those who had a well built foundation may still struggle when they face hard times and have no experience. I've often found that because I had such a struggle and traumatic life as a young boy and adolescent that I was better prepared for some of the more difficult circumstances that I have faced in my early adulthood. While my girl-friend who grew up in a very sheltered and naive world with few struggles (in my opinion) has really been challenged and had great difficult facing what I would consider "real life" issues because she was never exposed or prepared when she was younger.

    I often ask myself "Do I NEED something or Do I WANT something?" and have noticed a pattern in my decision making over the years - when I act unnecessarily selfish and make a decision because it looks easy or I'll theoretically achieve instant gratification - than my road often is filled with rocks, cliff walls, inclement weather, and relentless, miserable struggle that is so not worth the appearance it had at the beginning; and when I make a more balanced decision that may look like it'll take longer to get results or it doesn't appear to be as flashy....then it often leads to a much smoother, balanced, and healthy path ahead.

    As young people we feel an almost insatiable desire for our independence. We don't like our parents, teachers, other people telling us how to live and what to do. In theory those people are supposed to help prepare us for the world and keep us safe. Often times they fail one or both of those at many points along our road of growing up.

    I would encourage you to ask yourself: Are you prepared? Preparedness is the key to so many things.

    Generally speaking; if you're living under a roof that you do not pay for, if you're eating food that you do not pay for, if you're wearing clothing that you do not pay for, if you're using and/or occupying resources that you aren't paying for...then you're obligated to some level to live according to the rules set forth by the people/person that provides you with those basic needs. It would be courteous of you to even help those people out and be nice to them because they do provide you with those things as living with out any and/or all of them sucks (I've done it several times). Also helping those who take care of you often will improve living conditions/quality.

    So the question is: Are you prepared? Are you prepared to provide your own basic needs without the assistance of others or governmental institutions?

    If the answer is , NO, then I would suggest that you carefully evaluate your current situation and think about what you need to learn, practice, and become proficient in, in order provide for your own basic needs and eventually things that you'd like to have or experience.

    In most cases a young person isn't prepared. I certainly wasn't. I didn't think I needed to learn math when I was a teenager. So I didn't....I scraped by and forgot everything for material I felt had more importance. Oh....but then I discovered that I loved flying and wanted to become a pilot....and I had to learn math....and I had so much learning to catch up on, I was soo far behind the game compared to other pilots that I often wanted to quit....but then I saw how math was integrated into everything....and i begrudgingly learned how to do was aweful...but a necessary evil....and eventually I became a pilot...and I had a lot of things that I didn't want to do and/or learn when i was an adolescent....and eventually found myself lagging behind almost everyone because they learned that stuff when they were supposed to and I didn' I had a lot of catching up to do.

    I've found that if you fail to prepare, then you prepare to fail. If you want your independence and freedom...than you should carefully and frequently evaluate yourself - and determine what you need to learn, what you need to improve, and practice those skills until you're good at them. When you find stuff that you need to learn, find a teacher that you can work with or suck it up and tolerate at the very least...because you want the skills and knowledge...even if it means dealing with someone you don't like (within' reason of course - I went through five or six flight instructors before I got my pilots license).

    If you're going to be living with your parents for a while longer - I would compromise (within reason) your selfish desires to improve relationships at home (if they're strained) in order to fully and better prepare yourself for independence so you can move out when you're ready or be ready to move out when they ask you to....that way you're not thrust into the battlefield of the real world with only a half magazine of ammo and no equipment.

    As far as the whole girlfriend issue -

    You should evaluate if you're "In Love" or "Infatuated" with each other. They're hard to distinguish but differ greatly. I've sacrificed jobs and education for girls only to be left high and dry...not worth it. I would say that if your girl-friend loves and/or cares about you then she'll support you in your academic or employment pursuits. Independence isn't cheap and you'll have to pay for it somehow. If she's not willing to support you in your pursuits for studies or employment skills that will afford both of you greater things....then she's not willing to support you with love either and is motivated by selfish desires....neither of which are healthy.

    Be Well
  3. Dark Bringer's Avatar
    "In the end, is it really my decision to make? Or am I so controlled by others opinions that I am nothing more than a puppet?"

    Only if you let yourself become a puppet. You have to make the decision that you feel is right, only you know what is best. I think it depends on how attached you are to your girlfriend or how important having either of those jobs are to you.
    I can't say much other than you shouldn't do something just because you think it will look right to others or because you feel you're "supposed to," you should do what feels right to you. - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community. is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.