Hey you guys
by, 27-Mar-2009 at 18:16 (914 Views)
Here's the blog, as promised. It's mostly made from notes I've written when lying in bed, unable to fall asleep. The text is mostly true, but a few parts have been edited to a certain degree. I don't think my thoughts would make sense otherwise. Please beware of bad spelling, I'm really tired and I lack the energy to read everything through. So, big wall 'o text, coming up:
Thoughts of a sleepless night
What is freedom? Is it the choices that is presented to us, or the choices we mkae for ourselves? Well, as you know, when we grow up freedom isnít always present in our lives, we mainly follow a linear route that others has decided for us. When you grow up like that you canít really prepare yourself for real life. Is it we that make our choices, or does our choices make us?
Right now Iím presented with the biggest oppurtunity in life. For the first time Iím in command. But of course, this choice is not due until in a few years, so I still have time to make up my mind. But when the time arrives, will I be ready for it? Iím not sure Iíll ever be, I guess God only knows.
I have to choose a direction in life, where to go next. I could play a safe hand and go to lawschool, and from there study to become a lawyer. Or, if I feel like making a gamble, I could move out of Sweden and become a psychologist. Both choices is workrelated, I can see myself in both of them, but both requires sacrifises. Am I ready to put my whole life, my friends, behind me to pursue my dreams? But friend, believe me. Weíve only scraped the surface, there is more to this than meets the eye.
If I, for some reason, would like to not walk towards a walking future, there are even grander choices to make.
Should I follow my heart, and move in together with my girlfriend and work on our relationship? It is there my heart belongs, but I have trouble seeing a future there, it isnít just the proper oppurtunitys there for me to get a job. This could seem as the only right way to go, but thereís even more.
The never ending pursue of freedom. Just jump on the motorbike and just drive towards the horizon, ow wherever the world puts me. It would be a great gamble, Iíd be completely exposed to the world. But perhaps only then can I see what was meant to be for me. Or more importantly, it would be up to me alone to forge my life the way I see fit.
I feel so conflicted, there is no one to listen to. Everyone is biased, my family wants me to choose a good career, so I can support them and secure my future. My girlfriend on the other hand wants me close to her, and live together. But what do I want? Freedom? Happiness? In the end, is it really my decision to make? Or am I so controlled by others opinions that I am nothing more than a puppet?
I have so many alternatives, all of them holds a future for me, but none of them can please everyone. Whatever I do Iíll just let more people down. Would they forgive me? I donít think they realize my position here. All of us bleeds the same, so how can I put one human being in front of another? For me, this isnít really about my future any longer. Itís about the people who has made me the man I am today, the people I owe everything in life. So if they would somehow know how I feel, please stop asking me to decide, youíre everyting to me.
So many choices... Somehow, I canít really understand this. What is freedom? Is anyone free? Or are they like me, unknowingly manipulated by those they hodl dear?
In the end, our choices makes us.