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Premetheus

First post was a bit of a buffer... Here's a vent post because why not? It's helpful for me to put things into words

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I can't sleep at night. I cry where no one can see me. I'm hurting and really just done with people bad mouthing me behind my back. I'm going through a lot right now and it's been challenging to deal with. People either over react, under react, or they don't care at all. Why is there no in between? I have a few friends who don't feel like they have to tread carefully around me and I'm grateful for it. I have a hard time asking for help... Not out of pride (I have no pride in myself) but out of fear of rejection. All my life it's been one rejection after another and I get told it's all my fault.

I didn't ask for heriditary mental health issues... I can't control that. My emotions are not in check and I don't know how to control them. I blame myself for everything yet somehow get told I can't accept blame. There are no winners in the blame game... What happened to compassion? Grace? Unconditional love? Are you all so hollow and shallow that you can't see past someone's bad side to see they need love the most? I have online friends who aren't very kind, but I still show them love because I know that's when they need it the most. Stop living in a fantasy world of an eye for an eye. It just makes us all blind. I want to live but I'm pressured by my abomination of a mind to end it all. It's not what I really want. I don't say what I mean because i don't know how to effectively articulate my feelings without someone calling 911 on me. I just need people to talk to and to do regular activities. I couldn't even keep my job anymore and I haven't told you all but I'm pretty sure I don't have one. My wife got a job at where I worked so we're not broke, but I don't like that she's the only one working. I can't handle the stress of a real job my mind doesn't allow for it. Invisible illnesses that you can't see are the worst.. they lay in my mind laying waste to anything positive and it does get hard to take. I'm still trying even if you say I'm not. Just by making this post I'm trying... I'm trying to help you all understand the pain I deal with daily. My heart always hurts and it feels like I have a hole inside that can't be filled. I do love and sometimes I feel love again but it goes away. It's a cruel joke that isn't fair but I didn't ask for fair.

All I want out of life... Is to actually find joy. To find peace... And I haven't had that outside of my faith. It's all I have left and there's not much but I'm told even a little can do great things. I only wish I believed in myself as much. When people are getting mad at me, not approaching me because you're afraid I'll get hurt, and then you blow up on me.... That hurts the worst. It's better to let it out as soon as you can instead of letting it fester into hatred. I pray I find a way to love myself as much as the people who love me do. I'm not giving up... I'm still trying.
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  1. Marka's Avatar
    Adam,

    This may be a bit abject yet, are you seeing a psychiatrist? As in, someone who can help with brain chemistry...?

    It's not a matter of how you're 'wired' or not... it's a matter of being able to access the 'main-frame' for long enough periods, to affect programming...

    Anyway, I don't mean to rant at you... -sorry-

    This may sound asinine... of me yet, you are still so freak'en young, you've barely just begun!

    What makes you so impatient and fretful, of yourself (and perhaps, others)...

    I was a good 20-years, older than you are now before, I started to really come into my own... granted, there were several extenuating circumstances - my genetics probably factored into that too...

    I hate to see you suffer yet, part of that is your choosing to do so... Is your wife fretting it too?

    You don't beat mental illness... by thinking that you have... The only way that I've known to prevail is by embracing it and getting it appropriately situated to where it's mostly an annoyance not an obstruction...

    You have my best at this moment...

    -Marka
  2. Tommycombs's Avatar
    I can at least sympathize as many of your points ring true for me as well. In 2015 I had a nervous breakdown at work that ended my job of eight years. Through loads of therapy, I discovered I was a highly sensitive person and that I also had Borderline Personality Disorder. That seems to be a result of the high sensitivity, fears of rejection and abandonment, and even the stress of hiding my ABDL life from the judgmental world out there.

    I have a long history of suicide attempts and self harm. I'm annoyed with myself because my legs look so deformed as a result of years' worth of self harm abuse. I can't even bring myself to wear shorts because I don't want people to see my shame. Not fun during these increasingly hotter days.

    I didn't mean to hijack your blog with an "all about my problems" response but know that you are not alone fighting your demons. For me, since psych meds do not work, I'm left frazzled trying to find ways of lowering my intensity. It is difficult but accepting and enjoying my ABDL side has been a huge benefit because of the fact that I'm challenging long-standing fears. Those fears lead me down a path of self-loathing and contributed to my (then) non-existent self esteem. Oddly enough, wearing diapers under my clothes and living my true secret life has helped changed my perspective and it's much harder for me to justify self harm when diapers make me feel secure, comfortable, and happy. Bloody cuts are not in Tommycomb's plans.
  3. Starrunner's Avatar
    Recently, I've been thinking of depression as a form of bullying, or more accurately, self-bullying. When it's at its worst, it causes us to blame ourselves for everything that is going wrong, and it convinces us we are not capable of changing our circumstances. It forces us to withdraw from others and from the people who are in the best position to help us. You are a smart, intelligent young man. I do hope you manage to find the insight and courage within yourself to see through the lies of depression and reach out for the help you deserve.
  4. Premetheus's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by Marka
    Adam,

    This may be a bit abject yet, are you seeing a psychiatrist? As in, someone who can help with brain chemistry...?

    It's not a matter of how you're 'wired' or not... it's a matter of being able to access the 'main-frame' for long enough periods, to affect programming...

    Anyway, I don't mean to rant at you... -sorry-

    This may sound asinine... of me yet, you are still so freak'en young, you've barely just begun!

    What makes you so impatient and fretful, of yourself (and perhaps, others)...

    I was a good 20-years, older than you are now before, I started to really come into my own... granted, there were several extenuating circumstances - my genetics probably factored into that too...

    I hate to see you suffer yet, part of that is your choosing to do so... Is your wife fretting it too?

    You don't beat mental illness... by thinking that you have... The only way that I've known to prevail is by embracing it and getting it appropriately situated to where it's mostly an annoyance not an obstruction...

    You have my best at this moment...

    -Marka
    I've been getting professional help since I was 15, suffering since I was 5, and no I do not choose to suffer. It is definitely my genetics, which you don't know... but I do know them. If I could choose to be anyone else I would. Someone normal, who doesn't feel this way. I appreciate you making an effort to respond as I made this a blog to get less exposure. Venting is helpful to me as I'm able to express what's been on my mind and what I'm experiencing. I know that I'm young but in this case youth does not denote the fact that I suffer, NOT of my own choosing. I've tried medication, several in fact... hence my hesitence to try again. I want them to work but all I get are side effects. If I sound upset, I hope you can tell I'm not. I know that verbal expression is much more able to express emotions, as that's not possible here, I'm telling you I'm just sad that you think part of me chooses to be this way. Genetics and trauma would beg to differ... it's just taking a long time to heal from my past as well as the day to day problems I face. I'm not asking for attention, validation, or anything other than just venting how I feel as a meek attempt to get better. I don't like to let my thoughts fester into anything harmful to myself.
  5. Premetheus's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by Tommycombs
    I can at least sympathize as many of your points ring true for me as well. In 2015 I had a nervous breakdown at work that ended my job of eight years. Through loads of therapy, I discovered I was a highly sensitive person and that I also had Borderline Personality Disorder. That seems to be a result of the high sensitivity, fears of rejection and abandonment, and even the stress of hiding my ABDL life from the judgmental world out there.

    I have a long history of suicide attempts and self harm. I'm annoyed with myself because my legs look so deformed as a result of years' worth of self harm abuse. I can't even bring myself to wear shorts because I don't want people to see my shame. Not fun during these increasingly hotter days.

    I didn't mean to hijack your blog with an "all about my problems" response but know that you are not alone fighting your demons. For me, since psych meds do not work, I'm left frazzled trying to find ways of lowering my intensity. It is difficult but accepting and enjoying my ABDL side has been a huge benefit because of the fact that I'm challenging long-standing fears. Those fears lead me down a path of self-loathing and contributed to my (then) non-existent self esteem. Oddly enough, wearing diapers under my clothes and living my true secret life has helped changed my perspective and it's much harder for me to justify self harm when diapers make me feel secure, comfortable, and happy. Bloody cuts are not in Tommycomb's plans.
    I don't feel that you hijacked my post at all, feel free to express yourself as the point of my post was to vent how I'm feeling internally as well as externally. I have self harmed before but I choose not to cut as I tried once and I don't get it. It just hurts and doesn't make me feel better. I guess I can't see how people get the 'reward' feeling part of the brain active for it because I don't. I know and have known that I'm far from being alone in how I feel. I often express it more than those who do relate to me. Part of me vents hoping I can help others actually feel less alone. Since I can't stand myself (severe self loathing), I try my best to focus on others. That's why I'm confused when some people think I'm in any way selfish. I may talk about my problems but it's just me trying to connect with others.
  6. Premetheus's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by Starrunner
    Recently, I've been thinking of depression as a form of bullying, or more accurately, self-bullying. When it's at its worst, it causes us to blame ourselves for everything that is going wrong, and it convinces us we are not capable of changing our circumstances. It forces us to withdraw from others and from the people who are in the best position to help us. You are a smart, intelligent young man. I do hope you manage to find the insight and courage within yourself to see through the lies of depression and reach out for the help you deserve.
    I struggle to ask for help because I feel I am not as valuable as everyone else and I can't find self worth. I rely on what I believe to keep me alive and so far I'm still here. Genetics are the cause of my mental illnesses, it runs in the family on both sides unfortunately. Depression, suicidal thoughts/feelings, and anxiety. However the most recent diagnosis, I'd place my bet on trauma. I've stated it a few times before but, borderline personality disorder. I don't fully understand it but based on that diagnosis I wouldn't argue with it. Google said it was the inability to manage emotions. I have a lot of issues with managing them but not at all like someone who's bipolar which I think is a diagnosis that gets thrown around too easily.
  7. Marka's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by Premetheus
    [...] I'm just sad that you think part of me chooses to be this way. [...]
    It wasn't so much, what I think as much as, I was poking you in an attempt to arouse you... I am genuinely sorry and, apologize for causing you sadness or any other discomfort! I wish, that I (or anyone), could just make this all go-away perhaps - that's what adds to the delay though... Whether this is permanent or otherwise a continuance of, long-term issues... I think that you are on the right track to moderate and mediate (manage) it with, things like venting, playing music, reading, etc... There must be some way of exercising your self-value muscles, to develop and then keep them toned... So as to keep fighting the good fight as it were...
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