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Premetheus

Thinking I beat my mental illness, only made it worse, but I still have the new coping skills

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Depression, borderline personality disorder, suicidal tendencies/ideations, and social/general anxiety. All diagnosed, all unfortunate, and all still here apparently.

I thought I had made progress in curing my mental illness. I thought I was finally free until things got bad. Then they swooped in to anti-save the day. I crashed and burned, I still somehow love myself even though I hated myself for 90% of my life. My first remember-able thought was, "Why am I here?" which is not good. I know now that I'm here to serve, to help, and to be a mediator. I fail, I mess up, I say the wrong things, and I don't always like myself, but I care. I care too much about everything and everyone. Today I've thought about nothing but committing suicide. Now that I'm finally happy, I have enough of an 'up time' to be able to make that choice instead of suffering. The issue? I want to live. I have a wife now and very likely, a child soon. I have everything to live for and it kills me that I still want to kill myself to escape the pain. It's not a joke, a threat, or a promise. It just... is. I'm afraid that at any moment I will have to check myself into a mental hospital to prevent self harm. It's gotten to the point that my faith is the only reason I'm still here even now. I've hurt and hurt and hurt and hurt over and over and over.... With no time to heal. Just more salt in the wound. I missed a month of work because of acid reflux and my wife's mother passing not even a week ago. I lost both of my dogs last year that have been with me for 15 of my 20 years. I just need... time. A new therapist and a whole lot more. I've tried most if not all medications and they only make me worse, a zombie, or too happy. Talk therapy is the way for me to go. I just need it more consistently. Wish and pray the best for me people, I'm going to need it. I will be my own worst enemy, but I will fight to stay here on this Earth even if it literally or figuratively kills me. I have fail-safes in place in case I get too suicidal don't worry. I'm first going to probably cry in my wife's arms, call someone, and go from there. I was already in a mental hospital for 5 days a few years ago, I'd prefer to avoid that. I'm sure when things settle, I'll be more okay, but for now I just have to keep on trucking.
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  1. Tommycombs's Avatar
    You ever read a story and got this funny sensation that the writer somehow plagiarized your own thoughts? Congrats, because this hit home. I, too live with Borderline Personality Disorder and am (or hopefully, was) a serious self harmer. If I may add what I've learned, maybe it'll be of help. After years of not understanding WTF was wrong with me (ABDL insecurities aside), I had a doctor that finally solved my puzzle. After taking a test, he explained that I was HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), which occurs in roughly 20% of the general population. It makes you hyper sensitive to criticism, loud noise, violence, etc. You soak up and absorb energy and emotions and over process them. You over think. I'm sure you've heard that before. I overthought so much that it took a lot of convincing before I believed in this whole HSP thing.

    With constant racing thoughts and fears, plus a low self image, it's easy to become self harming. And I get what you mean about suicide because I feel the same way. I made a very good attempt many years ago which, oddly enough, really traumatizes me now. I'm not suicidal now. I'm pretty OK at the moment, but with Borderline you never know what's coming. So while I'm not suicidal, I fear in the future, that natural life events will be too hard to handle and I may punch out of work early, if you know what I mean.

    For me, accepting my ABDL side has been liberating. I realized many of my image issues were due to me being unable to accept my ABDL identity. I explained more in my blog entry below so I won't rehash anything else.

    On a closing note, to brighten the mood, I will say, making posts about ABDL stuff is nearly impossible without making several bad puns. I think if I managed to get through a long post without making some dumb joke, I'd shit myself.
  2. Starrunner's Avatar
    Suicidal thoughts and depression can reoccur in our lives when we least expect it. I don't think we can ever 'beat' a mental illness, we can only manage it. This means we must appreciate those times in our lives when we are feeling 'up' and recognizing the times when we are 'down' and having a plan in place during those episodes. I think sometimes when there are significant changes in our lives, even positive ones like finding a partner or having a child can all come with an incredible set of responsibilities and expectations. Of course it can all be overwhelming and trigger symptoms of depression and anxiety.

    Hold on to the important things. You have someone who loves you. You do not need to go through this alone.

    Keep in mind that depession does not differentiate between people who have everything and people who yearn for more in their lives. Depression doesn't differentiate between gender, income or societal status. It can hit you unexpectedly, even when things are going well in your life. It is a clinical illness that defies rational reasoning as to why we feel so devestated when everything tells us we should feel otherwise.

    I would strongly suggest that you contact your doctor as soon as possible to seek some help or a referral. You've indicated that things have been going well for awhile, and you want to get back to feeling that way. My fear is that you won't get better without some professional help at this time. Don't think of it as a step backwards, but rather a way to continue moving forward. With depression, you are always going to have good days and bad days, but it's important to reach out and accept help on the bad days. If you can do that, you'll get back to where you were and continue moving forward.

    I'm submitting a link for resources in Michigan that help with depression and suicidal thoughts. It also includes a helpline.

    http://www.sprc.org/states/michigan

    Also, if you would prefer to talk to a trained counsellor online, there are several resources who can help you. I'm posting their contact information as well:

    International Association for Suicide Prevention
    https://www.iasp.info/resources/Onli...tion_Services/

    To Write Love On Her Arms
    https://twloha.com/

    Unsuicide
    http://unsuicide.wikispaces.com/Onli...5#.WNmmBfWcHIV
    Updated 20-Apr-2017 at 16:14 by Starrunner
  3. Premetheus's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by Tommycombs
    You ever read a story and got this funny sensation that the writer somehow plagiarized your own thoughts? Congrats, because this hit home. I, too live with Borderline Personality Disorder and am (or hopefully, was) a serious self harmer. If I may add what I've learned, maybe it'll be of help. After years of not understanding WTF was wrong with me (ABDL insecurities aside), I had a doctor that finally solved my puzzle. After taking a test, he explained that I was HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), which occurs in roughly 20% of the general population. It makes you hyper sensitive to criticism, loud noise, violence, etc. You soak up and absorb energy and emotions and over process them. You over think. I'm sure you've heard that before. I overthought so much that it took a lot of convincing before I believed in this whole HSP thing.

    With constant racing thoughts and fears, plus a low self image, it's easy to become self harming. And I get what you mean about suicide because I feel the same way. I made a very good attempt many years ago which, oddly enough, really traumatizes me now. I'm not suicidal now. I'm pretty OK at the moment, but with Borderline you never know what's coming. So while I'm not suicidal, I fear in the future, that natural life events will be too hard to handle and I may punch out of work early, if you know what I mean.

    For me, accepting my ABDL side has been liberating. I realized many of my image issues were due to me being unable to accept my ABDL identity. I explained more in my blog entry below so I won't rehash anything else.

    On a closing note, to brighten the mood, I will say, making posts about ABDL stuff is nearly impossible without making several bad puns. I think if I managed to get through a long post without making some dumb joke, I'd shit myself.
    Oh I absolutely get that feeling. I also already recognize my hyper sensitivity. I've even begun to feel someone else's emotional state if they are close enough to me I feel how they feel. Sympathy can suck an egg, empathy is where it's at. I'm glad to see I'm not alone because my wife saw me full split personality. I'm not so sure it's borderline. She said I started to act like the Joker from batman and began talking that way and I have no idea what she was talking about because the next moment everything was fine. Scared me half to death not remembering things I had said or done. I'll admit I've had my share of nervous breakdowns but I didn't think I was that far along borderline personality disorder. Whatever it is, I'm working on being more in control of my own emotions and feelings.
  4. Premetheus's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by Starrunner
    Suicidal thoughts and depression can reoccur in our lives when we least expect it. I don't think we can ever 'beat' a mental illness, we can only manage it. This means we must appreciate those times in our lives when we are feeling 'up' and recognizing the times when we are 'down' and having a plan in place during those episodes. I think sometimes when there are significant changes in our lives, even positive ones like finding a partner or having a child can all come with an incredible set of responsibilities and expectations. Of course it can all be overwhelming and trigger symptoms of depression and anxiety.

    Hold on to the important things. You have someone who loves you. You do not need to go through this alone.

    Keep in mind that depession does not differentiate between people who have everything and people who yearn for more in their lives. Depression doesn't differentiate between gender, income or societal status. It can hit you unexpectedly, even when things are going well in your life. It is a clinical illness that defies rational reasoning as to why we feel so devestated when everything tells us we should feel otherwise.

    I would strongly suggest that you contact your doctor as soon as possible to seek some help or a referral. You've indicated that things have been going well for awhile, and you want to get back to feeling that way. My fear is that you won't get better without some professional help at this time. Don't think of it as a step backwards, but rather a way to continue moving forward. With depression, you are always going to have good days and bad days, but it's important to reach out and accept help on the bad days. If you can do that, you'll get back to where you were and continue moving forward.

    I'm submitting a link for resources in Michigan that help with depression and suicidal thoughts. It also includes a helpline.

    http://www.sprc.org/states/michigan

    Also, if you would prefer to talk to a trained counsellor online, there are several resources who can help you. I'm posting their contact information as well:

    International Association for Suicide Prevention
    https://www.iasp.info/resources/Onli...tion_Services/

    To Write Love On Her Arms
    https://twloha.com/

    Unsuicide
    http://unsuicide.wikispaces.com/Onli...5#.WNmmBfWcHIV
    I believe you can beat mental illness if you mold your mind and reshape it. I'm not a fan of people saying they are wired a certain way at all. because I have changed from who I used to be pretty much literally. "The Brain That Changes Itself" is a book that gives the best possible definition of our crazily intricate brains. It's not some crazy mumbo jumbo either it's from a neurologist. It may be right, it may be wrong, I only know the results. If I get to that point where a knife is in my hand or a gun is near, I will call someone. No more saying I will than not doing it, if I did kill myself I wouldn't tell anyone before I did. I'm sick of attention seekers ruining things for people like me who actually need real serious help. I love them still, but they need to see it isn't 'cool' or 'romantic' to suffer like this.
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