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Tommycombs

Beating the demon

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This is going to feel so cathartic. I feel a ray of hope for the first time since I can't remember when. First of all because of the acceptance I've found in this online community and words of encouragement to get me to rethink my old thought patterns.

I live with Borderline Personality Disorder and Avoidant Personality Disorder. It is so bad I cannot even work. On top of it I'm ABDL, a fact that is probably partly to blame for the other disorders. But I'm not throwing us under the bus with that comment. Let me explain.

I've known my whole life that I had an attraction to diapers and babyish things and due to my high sensitivity, that's been something that's scared me. Made me feel shame and guilt. Freak! What is wrong with you! I'm sure we've all heard those voices. But my fear of anyone finding out made me hide it. I grew up before the internet and I didn't even know there were others until I was well into my 20s! That's a long time to grow up, feeling like a freak and an outsider. I have also carried a long fear of my older sister finding out, as she loves family gossip and seeing drama in my life. She'd have a field day with that juicy bit of info.

So I hid the secret. Binge and purge cycles for years as my self esteem took a nose dive. In 1996, my first wife dumped me on Valentine's day and due to my high sensitivity and fear of abandonment, I slit my wrist. Badly. Almost died. To the point where typing about it risks flashbacks that still haunt me. I consider that day the day my demon was born.

A number of years ago I wrote a graphic bloody horror story called Bianca about a woman with impulses to over indulge in self mutilation. It's a horrific story based on a dream I had. At some point during the years, do to the low self image, I began self harm, and have scarred my legs to the point where I never wear shorts anymore. Also at some point my Bianca character became what I called the bad part of me. The self hating, fearful, angry, reactive part of me. All of the bad traits that make up Borderline. Part of borderline is a feeling of being lost and not knowing who you are. My emotions are so unpredictable that I often don't know who I'm going to be from one day to the next. So to make my understanding easier, I've created my own mythology so that my personalities have names. As stated, Bianca is the REALLY bad part and for years I've been wishing I could get rid of her. Those thoughts are very damaging to me and they are driving me insane! Then there's the main jerk, who I call "Palpatine" because of his irritating habit of egging me on. The third one is me, the normal me, and then there is the secret identity. The one no person must know of. We'll call him Tommycombs here.

I realized all of my fears stem from fears of being unliked or the humiliation of the world finding out I'm ABDL. When I self harmed in the past, I told myself not to feel shame over it. I'm not sure why. That is shameful. Yet Bianca had convinced me that the whole diaper thing was shameful. When I wear diapers and do my thing, those Bianca voices completely disappear! She leaves me alone! Tommycombs kills her! If I can accept myself and stop being so scared about the world, Tommycombs could finally provide some needed relief to the borderline!

My self image is improving and my relationship with my very understanding and accepting wife is improving. Simply from facing that greatest fear. It's a long road to full confidence but my baby steps (heh, heh) will get me there.
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Comments

  1. Starrunner's Avatar
    It sounds like it has been a long and difficult journey, with some setbacks and successes along the way. You're in good company here, where a number of us have struggled with shame, fear, self-acceptance, binge and purge cycles, and depression. You're fortunate to have a spouse who is supportive.

    It sounds like writing has been an outlet for you to release your anxiety and stress. There's a Stories forum here and perhaps at some point you may want to contribute to it.

    I do hope you've got the cutting under control and that it remains buried in your past. I hope you get the support you need here at Adisc, and in your physical life. There is also professional help available if you feel you need it, and we can assist you with some referrals.

    It's great having you here and I've enjoyed your posts. You have a lot to offer other members here. You have an important story.
    Updated 19-Apr-2017 at 16:47 by Starrunner
  2. Tommycombs's Avatar
    Thank you so much. It's funny. My mom even says I'm good when I write. I guess it's because you can plan every word to best suit your view. I too hope I can get rid of these irrational fears of the big, bad society. And this place has been a huge help accepting this part of myself. I think by accepting this, all other aspects will begin to improve.

    I'm trying to challenge long standing fears and loosen up a bit. One of my favorite Youtube channels is the Dudesons. Crazy Finnish Jackass sort of stuff, but Jukka Hilden is inspiring with his attitude about being yourself, challenging fears, and having fun. #imadudeson

    I plan to stick around these boards. Maybe even make real life ABDL contacts in my area, something I would have never dreamed of doing. Thanks for helping me come out of my shell.
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