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BenTennyson

The internet knows more than my closest social contacts

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This is kind of frightening.

I am unable to share anything concerning my soul with friends or family. Actually I feel it seems to be easier to share that kinda stuff with persons I do not care about. Sharing this with "the internet" is even easier. Not that there are no persons on this site I care about. Sure there are. You know who you are, shouts out to you, I love you all guys. Its easier to ignore the fact that some people who might care about me might read this when I just post it here in my blog on Adisc.

I have one, just one person outside of my family I would entrust mine and even the life of my kids. Still even with that person, I am basically unable to share how I really feel. I scares me, makes me feel unworty, ugly, embarassed, vulnerable... and as if I force weight on his shoulders that he doesnt deserve.
Still I need to get this off my chest, so here it is.

Its now nearly one and a half months ago since I left the psych ward. I felt safe there at first. It was as if there finally was a light visible at the end of the dark tunnel of depression. But the shorter the timespan until the second month of my residence there became, approaching the ninth week, I felt more and more uneasy. Unsettled, uneasy... Everyone I grew fond of left "long" ago, seemed to have progressed, but I didn't seem to have made a second step forward. And also, guilt was eating away at my guts. I was "on vacation" while my kids were longing for my return.

I felt as if I was going crazy. For real. I had to get out of there, back to my family.

Now its nearly one and a half months ago, since I returned home. I miss the ward. I miss the daily structure and safety it radiated. I didn't have the impression that they could actually deal with the real cause for my depression (wrong department) but at least it gave me a sense of safety. Today I feel *at least* as fucked up before I moved in there.

I can't think straight since the day I left. My thoughts just cover a maximum of 60 minutes ahead in the future, if even that. I feel like there is a black hole in my head and a combat knife in my chest.

I don't know what the fuck is going on, I don't know how long I can continue like this. I don't know if there is a way out of this hole and who would be able to help me out of here. I am stupified more as ever.

Two fucking months in a psych ward and nothing changed, even got worse. I feel so bad, I feel more like a failure than ever before. Especially since I left that ward on my own choice.

I don't even have enough energy to chase my suicidal thoughts anymore. Maybe I should just stop eating.
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  1. Starrunner's Avatar
    This sounds truly, truly terrible. I think one of the most helpful aspects of being in a psych ward is that there is a daily routine and structure to your day. That's an important thing to have when you're suffering from depression, because otherwise, there is no motivation, no energy, or ability to carry out the smallest tasks without a deadline.

    The fact that you were in there for that length of time indicates it was very serious and I imagine there were concerns for your safety. I understand your frustration with the fact that you didn't see yourself getting better while others moved on, but depression is a terrible illness which requires more intensive therapy for some people than others. If you left on your own accord, I'm assuming they allowed you to go because they determined you weren't a risk to yourself at the time. That really no longer seems to be the case. I would think the staff would have provided some sort of plan for continued treatment or aftercare to prevent a relapse. Whatever the case, the current situation cannot continue like this. You need help. This is not going to get better on your own. You are a strong influence in your children's life and they need you, but they need you to be in control of your feelings and to be healthy again.

    I really think you need to speak to your doctor as soon as possible. Talk about your experiences at the hospital and what went wrong and why you left. Talk about how you're feeling right now. See what options you can come up with that you can both agree upon. I've always said that for all our advancements in medical treatment and technology, it's still pretty much trial and error before the most effective treatment is found.

    Depression is an illness, and like any illness it requires treatment. If you had a serious infection, you would take antibiotics for it to get better. Depression has to be given the same care.

    I wish you well.
  2. BenTennyson's Avatar
    Thank you Starrunner. You are right. I shall speak to my GP as soon as possible. I am too frustrated with my future therapist atm to talk to her right now. I sense which department might be the right one for me but even there exists an endless waiting list. Maybe my GP can speed up the process
  3. Marka's Avatar
    I don't see that I can improve at all, on Starrunner's reply...

    I'm late getting back to this yet, I'm compelled, to show you my support - in-spite of my short-comings, at the moment...

    As follows:

    Quote Originally Posted by Marka
    Ben,

    I don't think that we can stop at Vivian Broughton's "trauma of identity
    and the unwanted child"... even if, there was something in particular,

    with that specific article; that resounded with you, on a greater personal

    level of, identity or, correlation with yourself...

    The general 'take-a-way', that I got from that website

    (http://www.vivianbroughton.com) is, that there is a plethora, of what

    appears to me as; much useful, interesting and perhaps, more importantly,

    effective resources to help decipher some or many, of the greater aspects

    of affect...

    Yet, without any certain differentiation between say, 'Neurocognitive
    disorders' and, the psychiatric and, psychological aspects; let-alone,

    any synergistic or compositional manifestations - bearing the resulting

    person and identity... we've very little more than speculation and,

    haphazard postulation, speculation or, conjecture - for which, to go on...

    'One', such as myself, might query: "What do you believe?" Not, what do

    you think and, not what do you feel (the latter two, seemingly more

    apparent, in your time of written expression here, over-all)...

    What, do you believe; ails you?

    One, can find some interesting reading, on various people's experiences
    with co-habitation, of various 'psych-wards' and, for the various reasons

    and duration for, that sort of internment too...

    What you have mentioned about safety and structure though... resounds the
    most, with my thought process specifically and; with that, I am reminded

    of the parallels of imprisonment, military (or, paramilitary) habitation

    and, to some degree - aspects, of perhaps, 'littles', AB, and some forms

    of submissive enactments, too...

    I recall, some two-decades ago, that I wished desperately, for someone to
    manage my life yet, by my discretion... This, was also a time of

    considerable suicidal ideation and, great despair for me...

    Almost as, the 'perfectionist', becomes quite sloppy or, gives up all
    effort - for failing (not being able or, successful, to attain

    sufficiently), their desired, intended and, projected, ideal of

    perfection...

    Becomes, a rather counter-intuitive matter of, 'control-issues'... The

    more intuitive and obvious counterpoint; may be to the effect of - "if it

    can't all be ruled; burn it all down"...

    Bearing in mind
    , that this is not a matter of culpability via sound
    reasoning yet; a condition, that is formed over the course of time and

    events - that may pertain to outdated modalities of preservation, defense

    and, identity to self and, the collective of 'life'...

    I can't see, that there is anything factually 'crazy' about you except
    perhaps; that you're feeling crazy and, most importantly - the angst and

    wroughtful suffering, that you derive from it...

    TL;DR or "What 'planet', am I from?"
    You simply must get competent, comprehensive, analysys and assessment; to

    even begin to 'know', where and how (the when, is pretty well determined

    in it's immediacy)... and, what - help, that you require; for your

    reprieve and, to gain the direction, preservation and, efficacy of

    resources - to, promote your efficiency and well-being, relative to this

    life...

    "There's nothing to fear but fear it's-self" and, so long that you shall
    fear; you'll rightfully be fearful...

    You're only as 'crazy' as you believe yourself to be unless; you don't
    believe, that you are crazy at all... and, that would just be insane...
    *a little 'dry' humor*

    I've been busy on some issues here at home... I intend to become more
    available soonish though...

    I'm going to continue reading Vivian Broughton's website... it's quite

    interesting and, I assume that when my own brain, gets a bit more 'head-

    room' (pardon the pun)... I may be able to better process, what I am

    reading...

    I hope that this reply, finds you contextually well!

    My best, for now,
    -Marka
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