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MarchinBunny

Birthday Coming Up

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March 5th, a birthday that just seems so frustrating because I am still alive.
It's always a reminder that another year has past and I continue to get older and nothing gets better.
Some friends grow distant. Life becomes but a lonely existence. I continue to make mistakes, and things continue to get worse. I grow more tired. I befriend people who care, and some of them only act as if they do. It might be more appropriate that they care because it makes them feel better, not because it makes me feel better. You can always tell who are those who are helping because of the genuinely care and who are your real friends. Even when things are tough, they are there for you.

Anyway, this isn't so much about friendship, but it about life. Life is just terrible every waking moment. Each day is a new day, but each day nothing gets better and there are always things that are happening to tear me down further than where I was last.

Knives while making food are actually starting to look more appealing day by day. Where before I would never have thought about the prospect of cutting myself. But why do I feel like doing it now? Is it weird?

Honestly, I am falling and I don't think it's going to be a very soft landing. The question is, how deep is this hole and when will I find the bottom where everything becomes dark? Where everything becomes just a memory that will eventually be forgotten?

I sometimes wish that day would just come sooner rather than later. The light is bothering me, and it gives me false hope, I need to turn it off.
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Comments

  1. Sprinkles's Avatar
    Why not use your birthday as an excuse to start from a clean slate. This will be the year you give yourself adequate self-care and realize your self-worth for the first time.

    I started college early but struggled with time-management skills. I just took way more classes than I could handles. It dropped my GPA so severely that I couldn't receive financial aid. I started fresh when I turned 18 at a new college. It was intimidating at first, but was necessary and allowed me to affordably continue my education with a better GPA.

    I know this is not exactly the same as your current situation, but I'm really starting to think it's time for you to either get to a health clinic within the next month or leave Canada.
  2. AdorableRabbit's Avatar
    OMG, I wish you wouldn't feel this way! Don't give up hope. Don't wish for darkness.

    You know these feelings aren't accurate, you know there are people who care!

    We can't make up for a terrible situation you're in, but we can wish you a Happy Birthday even if it's only a tiny small happiness. Maybe it's no more than that of getting a message from someone. Maybe it should be a wish for a happier birthday? Or a happier birthday someday? I don't know but we'd want to put some effort to let you know you're remembered and seen and valued.

    Either way it's a wish of some kind I want to send...

    And don't talk about hurting yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  3. gigglebutt's Avatar
    "When a man is convinced he is going to die tomorrow, he will probably find a way to make it happen. The only one who can turn this around is you."
    -Guinan, Star Trek: TNG

    It's a quote that I believe in. When you're convinced there is no way out, convinced that nothing will be better, or cannot change, you will continue to wake each day thinking exactly that. The only way is to break the cycle, sweetheart. You have to take action and set the ball in motion, and you have to do it soon. You are in need of help and here at ADISC, only so much can be done. But we do care; even if you may think at current that we don't.

    Cutting is not a good idea nor should it be viewed as an option. 5, 10 years down the line when you're feeling and doing better, the scars will serve little more than a reminder and may potentially take you back there and make things worse. Don't take that path. It is destructive.

    Happy Birthday, Marchin. I can't gift you much aside a helping hand and a shoulder to cry on. I hope that's okay.

    -
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