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MarchinBunny

It's Frustrating

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[B]Update:[/B]
Things are better. So this blog entry can pretty much be ignored. Thank you for the comments and I am sorry for all the worry I may have caused.
[HR][/HR]


You know, it's really frustrating to have someone ignore you especially when you see them around all the time.
It hurts to watch them interact with other people and care, but then ignore me. I can be ready to kill myself right a here and right now and they would simply ignore me as they have been. My life doesn't mean anything to them.

I know I can sometimes come off as harsh as I have been told. I know I can sometimes say things others may find offensive. It isn't something I try to do. I am sorry. I just don't understand why this particular person will not forgive me. I don't understand how anything I did deserves this sort of treatment. It's just way too mean.

I mean, what I did was not on purpose. I didn't mean to upset anyone. So why must they purposefully hurt me like this?

They are so helpful and supportive to everyone else. With me, I guess they must not even see me as a human. They have this grudge against me for something I did that wasn't even on purpose.

I mean maybe in his own way he is telling me I don't deserve to live. He might be right about that. Even then forgiveness would not be given.

I keep having people tell me I shouldn't commit suicide. But all this pain isn't going away. I am so lost and I don't know what to do. The one place I can get support from, I also get pain from. All due to this one person.

I really wish I knew of some way to just make it all stop. I wish I knew a way I could forget it all.
Suicide seems to be the best way to do that, but again I am constantly told not to.
I don't want to hurt anymore, and I don't want to hurt others anymore.

Maybe hurting people one last time is better than hurting them constantly by being alive.

Updated 12-Feb-2017 at 01:13 by MarchinBunny (Update)

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Comments

  1. Sprinkles's Avatar
    I know you're hurting very badly, but I can say with 100% certainty your last sentence isn't true.

    Maybe hurting people one last time is better than hurting them constantly by being alive.

    You wouldn't be hurting them "one last time". When it comes to good things, like birthdays, people don't only have fun that day and forget it ever happened the next. If something bad happened to you, people would remember and mourn it until their death. Martin Luther King hasn't been forgotten and that was nearly 50 years ago!

    Honestly, I want to see you feeling better. I want you to finish transitioning. I want you to start a family. If necessary, I want you to come back to the US.

    Know people care about you MarchingBunny.
  2. Eulogy's Avatar
    I'd advise you to seek some form of counselling - There's help there if you can reach for it.
  3. MarchinBunny's Avatar
    [QUOTE=Eulogy;bt39991]I'd advise you to seek some form of counselling - There's help there if you can reach for it.[/QUOTE]
    There actually isn't with the situation that I am in. No money, not a resident or citizen of Canada, no transportation, no privacy for phone use, no pay phones anywhere to be found, all chat based help lines don't seem to ever be available.

    I have been looking for a way ... and have been asking for help, but no one know a way to help because of the situation I am in x.x. I do know I need the help and I would get the help ... I just can't because I don't have access to it.

    [QUOTE=Sprinkles;bt39989]I know you're hurting very badly, but I can say with 100% certainty your last sentence isn't true.

    [I][B]Maybe hurting people one last time is better than hurting them constantly by being alive[/B]. [/I]

    You wouldn't be hurting them "one last time". When it comes to good things, like birthdays, people don't only have fun that day and forget it ever happened the next. If something bad happened to you, people would remember and mourn it until their death. Martin Luther King hasn't been forgotten and that was nearly 50 years ago!

    Honestly, I want to see you feeling better. I want you to finish transitioning. I want you to start a family. If necessary, I want you to come back to the US.

    Know people care about you MarchingBunny.[/QUOTE]

    x.x I never even thought about it like that, but you are right. Also, ya I would have to go back to the US, it's really the only way to solve the main source of my issue. Not being able to get work and having absolutly no way to get medical help ... is the crux of the problem.
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