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KryanAshford

Rotten broken and in the shadows.

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Through my meditation, I haven't sensed any change in the coming time.. My body has been failing me lately. I've been feeling the darkness coating me lately. I don't feel over take by it, but only feel it's pull lately. I personally like remaining in the gray. It allows me to burn off dark and harsh thoughts without hurting myself or others. If given the option I won't be around anyone. My right eye is broken one of my arms in burned permanently and half of my personality is pure dark. I only hope I don't do anything stupid or destructive . I'm thought up horrible things that I destroyed so their meaning would never be realized. The good things require money and support I haven't the clue how to get. The only thing keeping me going day to day is the fact that I have my mother's support and love. I won't be finding help. I don't think there's anyone capable of understand let alone helping me any further. I give on the future. I don't have one. I see that now. Please understand that I've given time and thought into this and this is the only answer that it ever comes to. I'm fodder. Nothing more.
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  1. Starrunner's Avatar
    I have often been where you are right now, or at least I've had my own version of it. Depression is different for each of us, but what makes it similar is the sheer painfulness of the experience when we are at our worst: The exhaustion, the lack of sleep, the feelings of hopelessness, and how pointless everything seems. How everything that made you happy seems trivial and not worth the effort. And how loathsome you feel and how undeserving you feel about yourself. I understand that because I've been there. I don't think I can say anything that will talk you out of how you feel right now. We've been down this path so often throughout the years, you and I. We've covered all the options in that time for getting help and you know how I feel. I support you in whatever goals you choose, it's just that right now, the depression has overtaken your thoughts, and it may not be the best time to just say the same stuff again, so I won't. Not right now.

    So let me just say this for tonight, without any pressure to call a helpline or see your doctor or give you a pep talk that you probably don't want to hear: You are an incredible person with many amazing talents, insights and interesting things that make you unique. It's just that you've lost sight of this for awhile. From my experience, and that of others here who have survived, the things that make you special will come back to you. It's just that the strength, patience and hope you need to wait for them is exactly what depression takes away from you. So everything seems impossible. I know the feeling all to well. After years of living with depression, I can tell you this. There are going to be good days and bad ones. But with the right support, whether it is family, professionals or friends, you will gradually notice that there are more good ones than bad ones. You can learn to be happy again and take up those things that give you a sense of accomplishment. As we talked about in the past, it is a matter of taking on small goals that are achievable, and then celebrating what you have done. Learning to be kind to yourself and not beating yourself up can be a lifelong project,. But if you can't be kind to yourself, it can be hard to share yourself with other people. And that would be such a loss,, because I see a person who has a lot to share.

    Thinking of you and wishing you the best, my friend.


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