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First Blog posting. Reflections on the last week.

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I have been thinking a lot over the last few years about my proclivities. I really enjoy wearing diapers. It both comforts and excites me to wear them. I currently have no choice but to participate alone. My wife knows but is strongly uninterested. My child is unaware. I have much success concealing my practice, but I worry about a lapse in judgement and getting caught.

As I get older, I feel my need to be daring is increasing. Last year I attended my first Munch and I really enjoyed meeting people with similar interests. My schedule has not allowed me to attend any others, and currently the local group has ceased holding them.

My desire to participate with others grows each time I wear. My only outlets are reading stories, visiting tumblr, pinterest and fetlife. I also default to ADISC, since this is where I truly came to terms with my feelings. These things are beginning to feel hollow. ADISC, for all of it's strengths, seems 'immature' for where I want to be right now. Most of the time I visit, it seems I am reading the same posts I have been reading for over 9 years. I am happy that more and more people are becoming educated about our lifestyle, and this is a great place to get that education, but I realize I need more.

This brings me to my massive internal conflict. I live a conventional life. I suffer from no issues like autism or physical challenges. My childhood was normal and relatively filled with love and care. Diapers never seemed like a compensation for lacking something. I graduated college and currently have a successful career. My family in all aspects is functional and comfortable. So what is this diaper thing doing in the middle of all of this 'normal-ness'?

The more important question is, "Why would I want to threaten all of this good stuff?" I periodically go months without wearing and feel fine. There is definitely a nagging sensation every once in a while, but I seem to do fine without. When the desire takes hold. I feel I am missing out on a different, more exciting life. Being in my mid forties, I wonder if this is what is referred to as a mid-life crisis. Instead of buying a new sports car and finding a nice young mistress, I want to have my diapers changed. To each his own, I guess.

Ultimately, I am fearful. Much like I suspect most Americans are about life. We find what is comfortable and don't want to lose that comfort. By all accounts, I am truly happy with my vanilla life. I feel good that I am productive in society. I want to raise a productive child to do the same. I have never had a narcissistic point of view. Mostly, I try to make others happy and comfortable. Which makes me happy. This fear keeps me in check. Today's society seems to spend a lot of time preaching about being true to yourself. I don't know if I am comfortable with a billion individuals running around only thinking of themselves. I really feel that keeping my desires to myself, might be the best thing I can do for all of the people I know.

Alas, I have rambled. My thoughts dart around on this subject. Certain days I have clarity, other days I do not. I'm not so sure where I stand today. I was able to sleep in a nice comfortable diaper last night. I was able to wet it (consciously) during the night. However, I have to change this morning and get ready for work. Removing the diaper always feels like a small defeat. Maybe that is not a bad thing.

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