The Current Life
by, 06-Nov-2016 at 08:18 (160 Views)
Here is to writing about random things! Cheers!
So for me, life in general has been pretty crap. I now often rely on friends online to get me past to the next day. At least that is certainly how it feels these days. I used to never really rely on others and felt I didn't want to burden people with my issues. While at the same time I would get irritated by others who did get help from others. I seem to have some pretty big jealousy issues. I would also feel alone and abandoned by those who did not notice the pain I was going through even though I was right next to them.
So anyway, let's talk a little about the current me and what has been going on in my life. However, a little bit of history is needed to fully understand.
In 2012, I was living with my sister and her husband. I was mainly staying there because I had no where else to go (Will probably talk about why in other journals). But also at the same time, was constantly in fear of being thrown out or killed. I am transgender, male to female, and my sisters husband is a pastor. He didn't really like me very much, and would always bring it up and try to argue with me about being transgender. He even once tried choking me to death after one of our arguments.
Anyway, I met someone on a game. Things where great with him at the time. It was a long distance relationship. I lived in the US and he in Canada. Now I was sooooo not planning on moving to Canada. That was actually something I told him I would not ever do.
Funny thing is, my sisters husband set a hard date on when I needed to be out of the house. With literally no where to go, I made the drastic choice that I would rather live with him in Canada, than live on the street. So, that is what I did. I can tell you now, even though I don't know what other choice I could have made, it was still a bad choice in the end.
So coming back to the present, he broke up with me about 9 months ago. I am not a resident of Canada, nor am I a citizen. I don't have a workers permit or visa and I cannot get one from within the country. I don't qualify for becoming a resident, or a citizen. I have no where to go and I am still living with my Ex and his family. So, i'm stuck. It's sort of funny in a way because I once told a friend why it's not a good idea to try and move to Canada without some sort of plan, and this is essentially why. Now, I did have a plan actually, I was going to get married. Well that turned out well ... it certainly seems lol XD. By that I mean ... it never happened.
Anyway, I have no way to earn money besides anything I can do online like accepting commissions for art, but that really requires building up a name for yourself and having a good reputation of which I don't particularly have either. I am going to try though.
I do have to say though, I don't know how much longer I can last. Again, hopefully just writing these things down, helps me some. I can't tell you how much I cried last night because of how much I hate how life has been for me. I often feel pretty worthless and incapable of ever being loved. I seem to just be a burden on everyone else. A burden that should probably just go away.
Well that's all i'm going to write for today. Not like many people are going to read it anyway XD. Although if there is someone reading, sorry for the shitty depressing journals lol.