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Gotta get some things out of my mind and on here...

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Okay, I just need to get some of my feelings out and I guess this is a good place to do so.

So these past month or two has been just one crap load after another. I've had some relationship problems with my then girlfriend as I tried to open up more she seemed to close up more which sucked and then 4 weeks ago to this very day I woke up to discover that my nan had passed away. That was the worst day of my life. You see, I have lived in the same house as my nan for 19 out of the 21 years I've been alive with the other two years I was serving a mission for my church in South Texas. I recently finished my mission and came home to England on January 1st this year so I had about 7 months living with my nan and seeing her everyday like I did growing up. It has been very hard for me, harder than I've let on to other people. Saying goodbye to the most amazing and kind person I have ever known was really hard especially as I lived with her for the majority of my life, it's hard not going to her room to see her each day, to hug her and tell her I love her. Then while dealing with all of that I went through a breakup with the girl I was seeing so that pretty much sucked.

I've felt a ton of depression and sadness for a while now but it's getting too much, I feel like I just can't cope with being an adult, life has just been sucking. I feel so lonely. While yes I do have friends I've never really had anyone just to hang out with, no group of friends I've felt that I've fit in with and I've only been with them because we just happen to be in the same place.

Along with that I have some strong feelings of wanting to just be a baby again, to regress and let go of all the worries I have but it just doesn't feel right alone. I want someone who would join in, I'd like a caretaker to help me and look after me. Yet there is no one in real life for me.

Ever since coming back to England I just don't feel right, I feel like a stranger, a wanderer. Luckily I will be heading back to America in just 11 days to hopefully permanently live there. I'll be going to Dallas for 3 months and then hopefully to Utah or Idaho for university. Of course until then I've still got crap to deal with here in England, someone gossiped to my ex about me and now she pretty much hates me yet won't tell me why when in memory I can't think of a single thing I would have done wrong, it's childish that she's acting like that and downright stupid and while I try to not let it affect me it still does in someway.

I just have so much frustration and loneliness it sucks! Though I'll never do anything physically that harms me I have had a few mini freak outs these past few days and I'm just at a loss of what to do. I feel so lost and lonely and it hurts.

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