Finding hope in what I already knew
by, 28-Jul-2016 at 03:55 (104 Views)
I know that I will be okay some day. I have worked my hardest to change who I am... because I hate who I am and I'm shifting it to hate who I was, because I refuse to be myself. I'm not good for myself and neither am I good for others. But if I change... then I can be good for others and myself once again. I escaped depression once, I can do it again... I just have to be careful not to be dragged back into it. It felt too weird not being depressed so stupidly years ago I went back into it day by day.
If I have any hope for this life... I need to come back to what I already knew. I know that I can help others... that I can say less and listen more. That I can stand up for myself and others who can't. Like I used to be.... all alone... cold.. broken... I will be fixed. I will change for the sake of the world... because regardless of what everyone wants? I cannot care about myself. I do not have to value myself to be valuable. If you base what I think about myself as how to treat me, you'll find out quickly that is a poor decision. I take care of my physical body, that's all that really matters. I eat, I exercise, and I do what I can to be healthy. My mind is already changing because I'm doing exactly what I need to.
If what I say doesn't make sense to you, then you probably aren't like me at all, which is probably a good thing. Believe it or not, everyone can change... I don't care what you say... I've come a long way from where I used to be and sadly that says a lot. I used to be worse than this... much worse. I have been inspired by a select few members because I know those who care and those who only want to be right. I just hope that some day someone will take me seriously, but I know that will be 10 years from now or more.... but I bet even then people will find excuses to discredit my life experiences, my pain, and all I've seen. I learned so much so quickly... but that is funny to me because I was misdiagnosed with a learning disorder at a young age.... that 'disorder' was just disobedience to learn the way people wanted me to. I don't get force fed information, which is why school failed me and I failed school. They didn't let me learn the way I needed to.
I am very much an anti-authority person but in a strange ironic twist I submit to some authority. God, some people I trust that are older, and a select number of close friends.
I just hope that when I change people aren't mad at me for not being ill anymore. I am choosing to fight what I have, to heal the damage done in my mind, heart, and soul.
Thank all of you for helping me but as I said in my post... I hope my next post in the 'mature' forum, will be one of recovery.