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I've written about the relationship between diapers, mental illness, and me a few times before. My biggest, most persistent diaper-related urges tend to correspond with downticks in my mental health (specifically my OCD--which, by the way, isn't a personality quirk, but rather a debilitating mental disorder that affects between 2-3% of the population). Which explains why I'm wearing an M4 right now.

I had a lapse a couple weeks ago. I should've seen it coming. Prior to that I'd been symptom-free for months; in fact, my symptoms were so non-existent a psychiatrist classified me as subclinical, which was a pretty big deal. Naturally, I started getting lazy; the week before my lapse I was sleeping fitfully, eating poorly, and exercising not at all. And when the lapse hit, it hit hard.

The first thing I did (after figuring out what was going on) was shop for diapers online. I didn't buy any, but just browsing the Age Comfort catalogue brought me back a bit. So did Tumblr, and in particular seeing pictures of "everyday people" wearing diapers. I became desperate to wear; I have a few M4s at my parents' place, but the rest of my stash is in storage. My fiancee, who is the most wonderful person on earth, still doesn't know about this part of me. I know, I know--and I'll tell her eventually. Unfortunately, eventually hasn't happened yet.

But she's out of the house this weekend--so today, after dropping her off at the airport, I went to an ABDL-friendly pharmacy and bought some more M4s. Then I went to Starbucks and changed into one. I missed that feeling. I can go months without wearing, but whenever I'm back in It's still an indescribable feeling. I came home and soaked it--and then, almost completely by accident, messed. I never mess; I wasn't planning on it today, either, but then it sort of just happened. So this M4's the second one of the afternoon. The next one I wear will be for sleeping.

Did the diapers work? I mean, they certainly worked for their intended purpose--I maintain there's no better feeling than a wet M4--but what about the psychological benefits? It's tough to say. My lapse was effectively over late last week; it flared up again on Sunday, but was basically gone for good by Monday. Still, though, as I sit here in this diaper (which, at least for the time being, is dry) my mind's completely at ease. I'd love to see an actual scientific paper about the ties between being an ABDL and improved mental health. I'm sure it's out there, and I'm also positive I'm not alone experiencing this. But for now, I'm happy to supply my own anecdotal evidence.

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