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Record #2

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So its official now
Today I was diagnosed having a "depressive episode", ICD10-code F32.9G
Too bad the doc only knows a tiny fraction of my story. I wanted to tell him two fractions, actually. But then there are these times when physician's assistants barge into the room stand and stare and won't leave. I mean WTF? Aren't we supposed to have SOME privacy, even IF they know most to everything the doctor knows since they handle the patients and the documents, but seriously
I couldn't get out any more words when she stood there. I'm glad I didn't have to speak anymore that is. I got referenced to a specialist. Have to make another appointment. Then talk AGAIN. I didn't expect me to have much problems sitting in there. But what do you know...
I was shaking, my stomach felt like it had to digest a ton of rubble and I teared up. In front of him. So embarrassing. Good thing after all though, I was afraid he would believe I am only telling a story.
But here I am throwing in the first of the pills he put me on (mirtazapine) so I can finally get some much needed rest. Don't know how these will work on me. I'm afraid of them just as much as of my doctor. And people. Shopping. Thunderstorms. Darkness

Riced fairy dust. Hope this makes me fly

nighty night
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  1. Starrunner's Avatar
    Hi, ben,
    I am relieved that you have started seeing a professional about dealing with these problems. It's a really positive start and, keep in mind it takes time to get results. The alternative is to keep struggling and battling with how miserable you have been feeling and I think that has proven to be untenable.

    Counselling is a two-way street and it should be based on clear communication. Your counsellor should do everything possible to ensure that you are in a safe space and able to speak freely about what's on your mind. I certainly agree that having someone come into the middle of a private session should not be allowed unless there is some sort of an emergency or exceptional reason.

    It does sound like there has been some progress in that you are actually talking with a professional, and there has been an initial assessment along with some treatment. Overall these are good things and this is just a beginning. Remember that you are an active participant in this process, so if there are things that are not working for you, or if there are things that would make it easier for you to talk about your life, then make sure your counsellor is aware of how you feel. If there are things that happened in his office that prevent you from speaking up, he needs to know it.

    It takes time and open communication to develop a rapport and build trust with a counsellor. It sounds like it was pretty tough but at least you have opened the door and got the process going. Counselling can be difficult. You're divulging all the secrets and feelings that have been bottled up for so long, so it's normal that your feelings would flood to the surface. You're far from the first person to experience it, and your therapist probably sees it every day, so don't feel embarrassed about anything. It's a sign you're getting somewhere with it.

    Just hang in there with it. You will see it paying off and you will not have to deal with all this on your own. Let us know how it's going. Looking forward to reading Record 3.
  2. BenTennyson's Avatar
    Thanks for your reply. I should have made myself more clear, sorry. I wasnt thinking clearly. Especially now. These meds hit me like a train. Took em I dunno maybe 15 hours ago. Slept like a stone. Still am stoned from it. Could go to bed and be right out again. So what I wanted to add is I was having an appointment with my family doctor. Thats where the assistant barged in and where I teared up. He did prescribe me the meds. Still have to make an appointment with the professional he referenced me to.
    It was an act that required a very big amount of energy. Now that the stone is rolling, I hope things will get easier over time
  3. BenTennyson's Avatar
    Whats with all these stone references recently?
  4. Starrunner's Avatar
    I looked over your blog again and realized I read it too quickly. Clearly you indicated it was your doctor, so the apology is mine. Still, I think just taking the first step and reaching out for help is the hardest thing to do, and as you say, it takes a tremendous amount of energy. I'm glad you did it and that a referral has been made. That's when the real help will begin.
  5. ORBaby's Avatar
    Glad to hear that you are getting the help. You may need to try different meds or combinations to get your depression under control. I've been dealing with depression for over 10 years. It's important that you are active in your care. Tell your doctor if you are having side effects or if you feel the meds are too strong or if you think that you need a higher dose. - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community. is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.