Hating having to hide
by, 25-Nov-2015 at 21:02 (138 Views)
This is going to be a whistle stop tour of my feelings and desires so if you don't wan't to know don't continue.
I recently started to write ABDL fiction again after taking a bit of a break over the summer and whilst on the one hand I love the feeling of creating stories and indulging my desires through them it has also reminded me just how different I am from my friends and fellow students. It's at its worst when i look at my friend in a lecture and think
"He has absolutely no idea who I really am"
While I admit that could be a little melodramatic nature it is true none the less. Of course it doesn't help that I'm naturally paranoid and generally self conscious, I mean I'll walk down the road wearing normal clothes and being a normal person but I feel like I'm being judged and looked at. As irrational as I know it is it plagues me whenever I'm in public. An exception to this being if I'm with a friend or a group of people I know as I enter social mode.
Social mode is the persona I show to people and who I want them to think I am. I share my interests in gaming and anime and generally talk about little else. Which is to say that most conversations i have will enter a lull at some point purely because i have so little to talk about. As I've grown up a bit I have expanded my conversation horizons but only as I am now a university student.
There is one problem with social mode and that is alcohol. When I am pre-drinking with housemates or am out clubbing the same kind of melodramatic thoughts enter my head but are accompanied by the constant urge/reminder to confess/keep secret. Perhaps this is just another trivial aspect of the joys of drinking but when I am drinking with people I start to imagine how they would react to the knowledge of who I really am. Again this may just be another aspect of being ABDL but i guess that's why I'm talking about it.
Recently I have started to explore all things sissy and since I have I've been horny as hell. For about a week it was all I wanted to think about. Now when i say all things sissy I'm not just talking about the clothes, I'm talking about the idea of forced feminization and the sexual play that could accompany it. Now before I start talking about things I really shouldn't I think leave that there and add in the fact that I am virgin who has never had a a relationship. I bring this up because I think that it part of the reason that I fantasise so much. When I say so much I mean a new scenario every night with either ABDL themes, Sissy themes or it could be a bit of both, which removes the sex element as I always want to see my ABDL interest as somewhat innocent and pure. That is not to say that ABDL fantasies do not arouse me but I would never want anything sexual to be directly related to it.
Moving onto less sexually charged thoughts I have started to branch out my ABDL presence on the web having accounts on Deviantart, Pinterest and Tumblr. It was in setting up these accounts that i really started to refine what i liked and what i didn't. For years before I had these accounts, yes shock horror I looked at adult content pre 18, it was tumblr and deviantart that guided my exploration. I have thought on multiple occasions that perhaps I have conditioned myself into being ABDL by exposing myself to such content during my tender youth but on the other hand I then think that maybe people are meant to be who and what they are.
This brings me back to the actual topic of this post with hating having to hide. The idea that I am not a freak or weirdo for being into ABDL is precious to me as if i thought otherwise I'd probably have had a breakdown by now. However when i look at the world and in particular the media I realise that as a community we are either regarded with novelty or gravely misunderstood. Not to mention the fact that what a lot of people think is 'kinky' I think is pretty damn tame. Again this could be that I have over exposed and desensitised myself to such things but it just hammers home that I'm different.
Maybe I need to get over myself and maybe I need to accept that I am different but there are days when I am totally 'normal' and have no desire for ABDL or Sissy or whatever then I'll see a picture of a hot girl on the internet (I think I am mostly into girls) and its only when I imagine her in a diaper or her putting one on me that I get aroused and then the floodgates open and all the desires come back. Maybe it is just a shortened version of the binge purge cycle that plagued my initial interest but I've gotten to the point now where think I've kinda admitted to myself that 'normal' isn't for me.
That again brings me back to the idea of hiding 'true self' from others and makes me wonder if I can even form a relationship (e.g. girlfriend) as my fear of rejection by others, especially my family , makes me want to distance myself.
Anyhow I think that sums up what I'm feeling and why 'I hate that I have to hide' please feel free to give your thoughts and opinions.