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Seriously hurt, pissed and just a minute away from breaking

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Okay so one of my brothers is running mad (lets call him Bob for now), threatened to harm himself in a ... serious way. When my wife talked about this with my Mom, all she had to say was that if he really did it, she had to pay for his new kitchen furnishings since she was the one who made the contract for the installment payment. Which instantly reminded me of an incident of my own. Few years ago I had a car accident where my car rolled over three times. The car was totalled. When she told my brother about it, she said exactly that. Nothing about my health or something in that regard.
Seriously what in heavens fuck is going on in that maternal head?
If you're reading this: I love you. I don't understand you. That is pissing me off. It shouldn't be this way.

I feel guilty for making this something about me again.
I had some really bad weeks, panic attacks, anxiety, depression and oh did I mention depression? Contstantly thinking about my Mom and my dead father all the time. He died three years ago from spreading cancer. That has just started creeping up on me behind my back all the while I was longing for some attention from Mom.
Last week I made a weak attempt of approaching Bob to talk because someone mentioned it should help. I opened up a small very small part of me (which is very hard for me to do. It feels like slicing yourself open from bottom to top) to try to get to him in hope we could go more in depth in a personal meeting.
Now this.
My brother is obviously in distress. He is refusing to see anyone, let alone talk or write. He said he needs some time to himself. My oldest brother (lets call him Chris) requested him to promise not to do anything ill-considered. Bobs response was: "I can't promise"

I can't handle any more pressure. If you are a bus driver, don't brake if you see me, thanks. I had enough of this shit


  1. ozbub's Avatar
    Hey Ben, it's lousy that you're feeling so hurt at the moment, and it sounds as though you're having to deal with quite a few issues right now. Talking about it is a really positive step though. In regard to you're moms responses to both incidents, do you think that perhaps her angry response is because she's had a fright both times. Sometimes people respond that way.

    Please go gently on yourself while you figure this out. Take some time to think about what keeps you strong and lean on that. Then you'll be in a better place to approach your brother, which is clearly very important to you.

    Take care Ben.
  2. BenTennyson's Avatar
    Thank you. I think what really would give me a boost is improving the relationship with my Mom. I really want to and while thinking about it, every move or word seems easy and logical. But as soon as I face her, I'm like frozen.
    She was here. I tried to get out a word of something that goes around in my head. Tried to just hug her even. Nothing. I just sat there awkwardly to be within her vincinity.

    Maybe expecting her to supernaturally sense my state and taking adequate action. Its stupid to feel that way isnt it? Or maybe if she did, I had that confirmation that she still cares about me.
    I pushed her away again and again in the past. Its my own fault. I can't expect her to just ignore what happened and try again and again to break through the walls I erected around my heart. How can she know that these walls don't exist anymore for quite some time? I have to tell her that things need to change again between us.
  3. CheshireCat's Avatar
    I only know what you have posted, but it sounds like you take after your mother. You resent her for being detached and unemotional during painful times, yet you seem detached and unemotional towards her because you are in pain. You expect her to give you emotional support, because she is your mother, but maybe it's time you gave her support, because you are an adult. The walls may just tumble down for both of you.

    I lost my wife to cancer 5 years ago and I still grieve over losing her. Your mother may still be struggling over the loss of her husband, just as it sounds like you are still struggling with the loss of your father. Reaching out to her may help her to reach out to you.

    All of us are damaged goods. We spend our lives recognizing and criticizing the damage in others, when we are terribly damaged ourselves. Try helping with someone's wounds and you may find healing for yourself.
  4. BenTennyson's Avatar
    So things calmed down a bit and half of the stuff in that blogpost is old news by now. My mom and I are not fighting or angry towards each other or anything. We talk and even greet us with a hug. Had a hard time starting that. I don't know how much support I could give her, I have a hard time talking about stuff like this with her. As you already wrote she is also very detached and withdrawn and won't talk about her emotions at all. This is kind of a catch-22. Recently I started texting with her which makes talking for both of us much easier it seems.
  5. CheshireCat's Avatar
    Glad to hear things are better. Didn't mean to infer there was fighting or anger... just the sense of detachment you expressed. The only way to achieve healthy communication is to make a habit of communicating. Ultimately, you will learn to communicate better and as a result be closer. - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community. is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.