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FauxPas

I'm blind.

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I am such an idiot, it's been in front of me this entire time. I just always failed to believe it.

I have my best friend coming in just a few days, I'll see them probably wednesday, I told them how excited I was to see them, their response "meh, I'm really not that excited."

I feel so damn pathetic for caring so much, when it's perfectly clear that no one cares as much about me. It all make so much sense now, the short one word responses I always get, not able to keep a conversation going beyond a simple hello.

The last friend I invited out to go do something, their response was "I would rather work tonight"

I barely even see my roommate anymore, for the past week or so every time I walk through the door, he walks out, all I get from him is "I have plans"

My friend that is visiting made me a promise and I can't stop thinking that it's going to be broken and I'm trying to prepare myself mentally to handle it.

Fuck it all, I thought I was getting better, but now I feel like I am farther back then when I started. Suicide has entered my mind again and again. I have learned that people have no problem living their life without me.
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  1. gigglemuffinz's Avatar
    My advice, my support, my words are a mixture of two things.. one.. I think you should find people out there that equally want you as much as you want them. You might be surrounding yourself with the wrong kinds of people. There are people all over the world looking for someone to talk to, someone to be with, just in the same way as you are.

    Never be afraid to stop trying. Getting your hopes up is one thing, and it's perfectly reasonable to avoid doing that.. but putting effort into something isn't getting your hopes up. Everything can be worth a try!

    My last part though is that you should try to find some reason your life has merit just to you. Things about life that make you want to carry on that aren't tied to another person. You should try your hardest, even though I know it's so hard, to find love within yourself as well. Tying all of heart to another person is just.. so scary. I don't want you to do that because putting your entire heart in some one elses hands.. no matter how they love you, they won't treat it as gently as you would treat it yourself.
  2. arcituthis's Avatar
    Hi FauxPas,

    It's sad to see things aren't much better. Your last few blogs really seemed like things were beginning to look up.

    I can't speak for your friend, but their response, "meh, I'm really not that excited." sounds like something I would say just before going on a trip. Travelling can be extremely stressful as you have coordinate your entire home life to survive while your gone. I'm almost worthless for about a week before I leave on a trip as I'm constantly wracking my brain for anything that I might have forgotten or how I will handle things while away if I did. As a general rule, the further away and the longer the stay, the more it affects me. It doesn't mean I am going to have a miserable time or not looking forward to what's going on once I get there, just that I have too much going on to think about it at the moment.
  3. FauxPas's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by gigglemuffinz
    My advice, my support, my words are a mixture of two things.. one.. I think you should find people out there that equally want you as much as you want them. You might be surrounding yourself with the wrong kinds of people. There are people all over the world looking for someone to talk to, someone to be with, just in the same way as you are.

    Never be afraid to stop trying. Getting your hopes up is one thing, and it's perfectly reasonable to avoid doing that.. but putting effort into something isn't getting your hopes up. Everything can be worth a try!

    My last part though is that you should try to find some reason your life has merit just to you. Things about life that make you want to carry on that aren't tied to another person. You should try your hardest, even though I know it's so hard, to find love within yourself as well. Tying all of heart to another person is just.. so scary. I don't want you to do that because putting your entire heart in some one elses hands.. no matter how they love you, they won't treat it as gently as you would treat it yourself.

    I have tried to surround myself with people that want me. But it all ends just like this. I get pulled back in with lies.

    I have also struggled with trying to find any reason worth living for many years. I have nothing going for me worth living for. I thought I had my friends but it seems I am just there when they need something. I get used and I'm too afraid to stop and say anything. I allow it to happen.
  4. FauxPas's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by arcituthis
    Hi FauxPas,

    It's sad to see things aren't much better. Your last few blogs really seemed like things were beginning to look up.

    I can't speak for your friend, but their response, "meh, I'm really not that excited." sounds like something I would say just before going on a trip. Travelling can be extremely stressful as you have coordinate your entire home life to survive while your gone. I'm almost worthless for about a week before I leave on a trip as I'm constantly wracking my brain for anything that I might have forgotten or how I will handle things while away if I did. As a general rule, the further away and the longer the stay, the more it affects me. It doesn't mean I am going to have a miserable time or not looking forward to what's going on once I get there, just that I have too much going on to think about it at the moment.
    I wish I could honestly say that's what it was. There was more to the coversation that I would prefer not to post.
  5. FoxyDl's Avatar
    You need a vacation. And i have just the place to vacation at. :3 come see me! Or just text me when you need to talk. I'll pm you my number if you want.
  6. FauxPas's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by FoxyDl
    You need a vacation. And i have just the place to vacation at. :3 come see me! Or just text me when you need to talk. I'll pm you my number if you want.
    I've got one in November, it's honestly the only thing I'm looking forward to anymore.
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