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about a boy

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I am not a boy anymore, I am 35 and have three little ones myself, but I certainly feel like a boy inside. all the time. scared most of the time. like a kid that has lost his parents in a big mall

I don't know where to start, the whole situation is hard enough to understand for myself, I don't know if I can find the proper phrasing.
I need to write this down to be able to process it. And I need to remember...

I have my hands full there, I can't focus on myself, I have to keep functioning to keep my family healthy

So, what is at the bottom of what is getting to me? Do I have any idea?

The real bottom is a black hole. If I'd dive down there and dig, I'd propably find so much stuff that I would drown. I have to take snapshots to be able to process it. My current issue is about my parents. I said I feel totally lost and scared. I think the real cause is that I lost my father. He had a kind of ok life, concerning the length, but he died from spreading prostate cancer and it wasnt a comforting sight at all. It must be three years ago now. I thought I had left this behind me, but I feel things just got started.
I never had a good connection to my father. Or any connection at all for that matter. We occasionally talked one, two sentences and thats it. Its not that we were angry about each other, we just had... nothing to talk about I presume. I felt kind of awkward being around him. This minute, sitting here and thinking about it, I know that I loved him and I wish I would have said him what I felt. I didn't do that even once in my life. When he got sick, I never visited him once. I withdraw myself at home and tried to ignore the situation. Nobody was visiting him anyway. I should have but I didn't.

Then there's my mom. She's 72 now. We have kind of the same problem like I had with my father. Only weeks ago, I didn't even call her mom. I couldn't call her by her first name either, out of respect, so I didn't adress her at all. When talking I just said "you"... So awkward. I couldn't let her touch me, I felt repulsed by it, although I love her too. I don't know what is going on in my head
The feeling repulsed about touch is something that is not restricted to my mother. I had big problems getting over this when dating my wife.

What would you say for example if one of your kids came to you and said "I never told you anything real about my inner self. I just can't open up to you."

Well I told her this and she came up with one major incident that I can't even remember and said: It's because of this! I don't know if that can be true at all, but more importantly, I didn't know how she felt at that moment. She didn't tell me, and I couldn't read her emotions either.
She said that I was mixed up with another baby in the hospitals nursery after she gave birth to me. I don't know if this could have such a long lasting and devastating effect.

I think she loves me too, but what I really crave for is some major affectionate motherly behaviour... might sound stupid, but is like it is. I miss out on being like 5 years old again. Either its my own fault for shoving her away or she never actually tried to give her boy some affection. All I know is that I feel like that five year old kid, lost in a mall. Imagine it, it perfectly describes what I am feeling.
This is nothing about my AB-side, I just want my mommy now. Right here, right now, for gods sake

Some days ago I remembered an incident of my childhood. My mom was kneeling in front of a sofa with her head resting on it, crying her eyes out. I don't know why and I wouldn't have propably understood anyway at that time. All I know is that I wanted badly to just comfort her, but I was told by them to leave her alone. (using the term "them" because I don't know who actually said that. might have been my father)

The biggest problem in my household - no my own, propably - is, that I cant allow myself to become weak or show any sign of it. I can't talk about this with my wife, she has enough issues of her own that she needs to cope with. I need every bit of strength to support her and keep this family running and my kids growing. I just don't know how long I can keep up with this. I feel very exhausted lately. There are days when I just want to curl up in a corner and cry for a week. The last two days at work were horrible. I was simply doing my job, being focused on what I have to do when out of the blue I had that sudden urge to start crying. Tears welling up, you try to focus but look around so to take care nobody notices your current emotional state. In 15 years, I felt totally numb. My emotions were just shut down. Which in itself already causes a great deal of pain. But since this January I have learnt more and more to let myself feel something again. Now these overwhelming urges to cry kick in and I presume I shouldn't fight it. But I have to. I can't cry at home and especially not at work. Its tearing me apart

There you go, this is part of my story. Regression is propably a natural reaction to this. But is it enough? Who will fight when I am preoccupied with caring about my inner child?

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