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Premetheus

I just want to scream

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ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhholgjpegtjpwgtjwptgojadgkjoqe ;gjpwgtjperijgyoejyh;ehyj;hyjpyoj5;kymuh;ey;ekj okay... I feel better. I am so sorry that I am a waste of time. I might be helped by my therapist but I feel like such a lost cause. Who wants to suffer? Apparently me... I hate anything that makes me feel good because I feel guilty for it. I don't deserve to be a Christian because I am such a poor example... I apologize also to Jesus for making a scene out of everything I say and do. my life is nothing but pain but then again.. .we all have scars, so what? Everyone hurts. My pain is okay and shouldn't stop because why do I need to be happy? I'm not being sarcastic either folks. I want last place, not first. I have no competitive spirit, That was bullied out of me years ago. Maybe I'll get better... maybe then people won't dispise me so much. Wish me luck... I would say friends but I don't know who here would consider me a friend since I just push people way. I am going to spend time crying and praying hopefully maybe I can force myself to get a GED if I fail that, oh well. I can try again right? I also need a drivers license. With the help of a select few from ADISC, God, a miracle, and some hard work... I'll lead a new life that I need to. I hope all of you who suffer recover quickly and don't end up like me. Learn from my mistakes and carry on.
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  1. Maxx's Avatar
    It took Mrs. Maxx several tries and 10 years to pass the one remaining math class required for her degree. Being worthy isn't relevant. Other people thinking you can't do it isn't relevant. Deciding that YOU are going to do it is. Also, having the fortitude to stick with it.

    You have a formidable set of tasks ahead of you. Looking at the whole thing is overwhelming. The trick to any big job or achievement is breaking it down into smaller, manageable tasks, and not allowing yourself to think about the big picture or all the possible ways it could fail (and become overwhelmed and frozen) while you're working on each small task.

    You want to be with your fiance. To do that is going to require that you support yourself. I don't want to set you off on another round of despair by enumerating the all the many things you have to do to get there, and breaking them down into little steps. You're smart enough to do that yourself, I think.

    Frankly, thinking about the big picture without panicking and freezing while outlining your plan is often the hardest part. Some people write it down, some have a spreadsheet, some use planner aps, some have it stashed in the back of their head somewhere. I'm somewhere in between. Today's tasks are written down, the rest of the outline is stashed in my head. I get a certain satisfaction picking up a pen and physically crossing something off. I also have a thing for pens.... imagine that. Another object obsession. You might do better with a planning app, so it isn't lurking in the back of your mind all the time.

    Everyone (not just you...) has daunting tasks, and everyone gets through them by not trying to mentally swallow the whole thing at once. They block out the size of the mountain and concentrate on that first step, what they have to do right now. Then the next step.

    I've done a number of Iron distance triathlons. That's 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike, 26.2 mile run. Truthfully, the years and thousands upon thousands of miles of training required to get there is the hard part, but even the race itself is daunting. Nobody, and I mean nobody, can sit at the starting line and digest what they're about to do without running away and hiding.

    The first part of the swim is about survival. 2000+ people thrashing and churning, all trying to get to the same point. I've been a swimmer since I was 2, yet panic attacks are only a heartbeat away under those conditions. There's no room to think about the long bike and run in the future, you're just trying to protect your goggles, not get pounded by fists and feet, and not get run over from behind and drowned. Full contact swimming. As it thins out, sighting on buoys and looking for a set of feet a little faster than you to draft and save energy. Every once in a while, they slow or veer off course, so you have to find another set of feet to follow.

    On the bike you're running down competitors, watching your heartrate and trying to stay ahead of fuel and fluid intake. I almost never look at average speed or distance until near the end. Those things were pre-determined by training. There's no such thing as giving 110%. Going over your threshold heartrate for more than a short time means you'll cramp up and DNF later. If I think about the run at all its something like "Its going to feel really good to get off this damn bike and stretch my legs."

    On the run, more of the same. Making sure you take on enough fuel and fluid, doing your best to chase down competitors, or discourage those you've passed with bursts of speed before you disappear around a corner. By this time, you're paying as much time to how your stomach feels as you are heartrate... pounding gallons of fluid and thousands of calories at high heartrates means your tummy is more exhausted than your legs. Near the end, you may be paying some attention to time and remaining distance even though you can't really do much about it. You've been going all day at or close to your physical limits, so speeding up is more than likely going to mean collapse by the side of the road. About the only time you can think about a sprint is inside the last half mile, where you're close enough to crawl if things really go south.

    Point is, the longest day in sports is thought of by competitors in tiny, discrete chunks. Catching the next guy, drinking the next cup of gatorade, getting to the next mile marker. You've done the training, you've planned how much fluid and how many calories you need to finish, you know what heartrate you can hold without blowing up. Getting through the day is all about doing those things on your plan minute after minute, hour after hour, one at a time. Flat tires, stopping by the curb to puke, walking for a bit when your quads sieze up, yeah those things happen. You deal with them and move on. You never really need to think about the whole thing unless you get down to the last half mile and you're next to a guy in your age group with a podium spot on the line.

    Life is the same way. Its a long race. You can't do the whole thing all at once, today. Nobody can. So spending a lot of time thinking about the whole thing all the time doesn't get you anywhere.
    Updated 25-Sep-2015 at 19:50 by Maxx
  2. Premetheus's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by Maxx
    It took Mrs. Maxx several tries and 10 years to pass the one remaining math class required for her degree. Being worthy isn't relevant. Other people thinking you can't do it isn't relevant. Deciding that YOU are going to do it is. Also, having the fortitude to stick with it.

    You have a formidable set of tasks ahead of you. Looking at the whole thing is overwhelming. The trick to any big job or achievement is breaking it down into smaller, manageable tasks, and not allowing yourself to think about the big picture or all the possible ways it could fail (and become overwhelmed and frozen) while you're working on each small task.

    You want to be with your fiance. To do that is going to require that you support yourself. I don't want to set you off on another round of despair by enumerating the all the many things you have to do to get there, and breaking them down into little steps. You're smart enough to do that yourself, I think.

    Frankly, thinking about the big picture without panicking and freezing while outlining your plan is often the hardest part. Some people write it down, some have a spreadsheet, some use planner aps, some have it stashed in the back of their head somewhere. I'm somewhere in between. Today's tasks are written down, the rest of the outline is stashed in my head. I get a certain satisfaction picking up a pen and physically crossing something off. I also have a thing for pens.... imagine that. Another object obsession. You might do better with a planning app, so it isn't lurking in the back of your mind all the time.

    Everyone (not just you...) has daunting tasks, and everyone gets through them by not trying to mentally swallow the whole thing at once. They block out the size of the mountain and concentrate on that first step, what they have to do right now. Then the next step.

    I've done a number of Iron distance triathlons. That's 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike, 26.2 mile run. Truthfully, the years and thousands upon thousands of miles of training required to get there is the hard part, but even the race itself is daunting. Nobody, and I mean nobody, can sit at the starting line and digest what they're about to do without running away and hiding.

    The first part of the swim is about survival. 2000+ people thrashing and churning, all trying to get to the same point. I've been a swimmer since I was 2, yet panic attacks are only a heartbeat away under those conditions. There's no room to think about the long bike and run in the future, you're just trying to protect your goggles, not get pounded by fists and feet, and not get run over from behind and drowned. Full contact swimming. As it thins out, sighting on buoys and looking for a set of feet a little faster than you to draft and save energy. Every once in a while, they slow or veer off course, so you have to find another set of feet to follow.

    On the bike you're running down competitors, watching your heartrate and trying to stay ahead of fuel and fluid intake. I almost never look at average speed or distance until near the end. Those things were pre-determined by training. There's no such thing as giving 110%. Going over your threshold heartrate for more than a short time means you'll cramp up and DNF later. If I think about the run at all its something like "Its going to feel really good to get off this damn bike and stretch my legs."

    On the run, more of the same. Making sure you take on enough fuel and fluid, doing your best to chase down competitors, or discourage those you've passed with bursts of speed before you disappear around a corner. By this time, you're paying as much time to how your stomach feels as you are heartrate... pounding gallons of fluid and thousands of calories at high heartrates means your tummy is more exhausted than your legs. Near the end, you may be paying some attention to time and remaining distance even though you can't really do much about it. You've been going all day at or close to your physical limits, so speeding up is more than likely going to mean collapse by the side of the road. About the only time you can think about a sprint is inside the last half mile, where you're close enough to crawl if things really go south.

    Point is, the longest day in sports is thought of by competitors in tiny, discrete chunks. Catching the next guy, drinking the next cup of gatorade, getting to the next mile marker. You've done the training, you've planned how much fluid and how many calories you need to finish, you know what heartrate you can hold without blowing up. Getting through the day is all about doing those things on your plan minute after minute, hour after hour, one at a time. Flat tires, stopping by the curb to puke, walking for a bit when your quads sieze up, yeah those things happen. You deal with them and move on. You never really need to think about the whole thing unless you get down to the last half mile and you're next to a guy in your age group with a podium spot on the line.

    Life is the same way. Its a long race. You can't do the whole thing all at once, today. Nobody can. So spending a lot of time thinking about the whole thing all the time doesn't get you anywhere.
    Yeah that's usually my issue is focusing on everything at once. I feel better now though. I think I'm gonna be okay.
  3. Marka's Avatar
    Premetheus,

    You have more friends than you'll probably be able to recognize for a time... I am one of them... I can't prove that... I don't have a Certificate of Title to show you... and, if you can't believe it... I guess you'll just have to take my word for it or, leave it for now...

    I don't know, if there will be any serviceable point to my attempting to say this to you now... however, you may well be astonished to know that many of those from who you see sharp, blunt words... are likely every bit as much your friends too... Or, at least they actually do care very much for and about you... and they believe in you... That may have to wait for a time in the future for you to even conceive too...

    I've been trying desperately to find ways to reach you and, to help you and others who are so deeply mired in this condition... trying yet failing thus far... I believe that in my earlier years that I was a fair bit as you are now... not the same exactly though, uncomfortably close just the same...

    I may have been too quick to leave that all behind me, once the opportunity finally arrived... in doing so, I've forgotten a fair bit of very small yet, very important steps... It's these steps that may be of the most use to you now... As Maxx pointed out, (paraphrase) you are not in a position, nor condition to take on the whole enchilada... The Big Picture is not only overwhelming; it's also probably quite distorted too... The filters that you are peering through are clouded, distorted and too narrow...

    This has absolutely nothing to do with your intellect (or other abilities / capabilities) except perhaps your emotional I.Q....

    In another analogy, your CPU is new and strong... yet, you have some bad programming or code, that's causing BSOD's, overheating and, poor and incorrect output... Continuing in this analogy, you could have a bad capacitor, a cold solder-joint, a separated trace, an improperly seated chip, card or, processor... Perhaps an issue in the power-supply or, your cooling-fans are obstructed...

    I don't want to leave you with fan-fare or potentially empty promises... Please know though, I hear your pain (as I genuinely believe that others do as well)...

    I think that you are on the right path, even if these first steps are particularly treacherous to you...

    I would ask of you... to stop saying negative things about yourself... even if you believe them to be true for now! It's important to note, I'm not suggesting this because I don't want to hear or see it... I'm suggesting this because it is most certainly reinforcing your negative beliefs and, subsequent valuing both, of yourself and of others, the world around...

    • I am a waste of time
    • I feel like such a lost cause
    • I hate anything that makes me feel good
    • I feel guilty for it
    • I don't deserve to be a Christian
    • I am such a poor example
    • my life is nothing but pain
    • My pain is okay and shouldn't stop
    • why do I need to be happy?
    • I want last place, not first


    Every-time that you say or write these sorts of things... you reinforce them to your subconscious-mind... it hurts you the most.

    What ever was in the past and, whatever may be in the future... is not the time we live; we live now... Now is all the time we really have, to act on opportunity!

    When you think, say or, write down things like "I am a waste of time"... Say out loud, or write out a rebuttal, something like "No! I don't feel good but, I'm NOT a waste of time!"... It's not as important if you feel it or believe it now... We're simply running interference or resistance against this stream of constant negativity for now. It's the bullies in your own head that we need to address NOW...

    • Recognize the automatic negative thoughts
    • Call them by name
    • Replace them out-loud and/or in writing, with a positive (or at least neutral) thought.


    To continue on with the computer analogy...

    The hardware and code or, OS -kernel, has to be checked, made more tricky as the system has to stay running or on-line through this...

    Ways to reset and, installing a sort of anti-bug {ANT's / NAT's} (compare to antivirus) and, some sort of fire-wall to prevent further incursion especially while in this particularly vulnerable and unstable state... I believe is going to go a long ways toward recovery...

    There are some soft-reboot options too and, there's ways to shunt some of the noise, interference and, errata... for getting your system out of red-line overdrive...

    Due to the inefficiencies created by your mal-ware, in addition to interrupting the bad operations; we need to reallocate some of the remaining resources to the more critical life-support systems... severe degradation or failure of those, is not difficult to predict the likely outcome...

    Things like meditation, grounding exercises (like egor is talking about), thought-stopping, Prayer, humor... Sometimes even reaching out to others to help them which, may be something as simple as paying an unsolicited complement, smiling warmly to someone or, giving someone a hand... Again, little things that have extraordinary accumulative power... Not saving the world or curing cancer, or ignorance or anything like that...

    I started this last night then, ADISC seemed to have gone offline then and, I haven't finished what I was responding to BluePanda with as well...

    I shall leave you with this for now... Please ask or say what you will (so long as you're not being negative about yourself; You can be negative about me if that helps divert the negatives for a bit)...

    PM me, or keep going here... whatever works for you! Okay?

    -Marka
  4. Premetheus's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by Marka
    Premetheus,

    You have more friends than you'll probably be able to recognize for a time... I am one of them... I can't prove that... I don't have a Certificate of Title to show you... and, if you can't believe it... I guess you'll just have to take my word for it or, leave it for now...

    I don't know, if there will be any serviceable point to my attempting to say this to you now... however, you may well be astonished to know that many of those from who you see sharp, blunt words... are likely every bit as much your friends too... Or, at least they actually do care very much for and about you... and they believe in you... That may have to wait for a time in the future for you to even conceive too...

    I've been trying desperately to find ways to reach you and, to help you and others who are so deeply mired in this condition... trying yet failing thus far... I believe that in my earlier years that I was a fair bit as you are now... not the same exactly though, uncomfortably close just the same...

    I may have been too quick to leave that all behind me, once the opportunity finally arrived... in doing so, I've forgotten a fair bit of very small yet, very important steps... It's these steps that may be of the most use to you now... As Maxx pointed out, (paraphrase) you are not in a position, nor condition to take on the whole enchilada... The Big Picture is not only overwhelming; it's also probably quite distorted too... The filters that you are peering through are clouded, distorted and too narrow...

    This has absolutely nothing to do with your intellect (or other abilities / capabilities) except perhaps your emotional I.Q....

    In another analogy, your CPU is new and strong... yet, you have some bad programming or code, that's causing BSOD's, overheating and, poor and incorrect output... Continuing in this analogy, you could have a bad capacitor, a cold solder-joint, a separated trace, an improperly seated chip, card or, processor... Perhaps an issue in the power-supply or, your cooling-fans are obstructed...

    I don't want to leave you with fan-fare or potentially empty promises... Please know though, I hear your pain (as I genuinely believe that others do as well)...

    I think that you are on the right path, even if these first steps are particularly treacherous to you...

    I would ask of you... to stop saying negative things about yourself... even if you believe them to be true for now! It's important to note, I'm not suggesting this because I don't want to hear or see it... I'm suggesting this because it is most certainly reinforcing your negative beliefs and, subsequent valuing both, of yourself and of others, the world around...

    • I am a waste of time
    • I feel like such a lost cause
    • I hate anything that makes me feel good
    • I feel guilty for it
    • I don't deserve to be a Christian
    • I am such a poor example
    • my life is nothing but pain
    • My pain is okay and shouldn't stop
    • why do I need to be happy?
    • I want last place, not first


    Every-time that you say or write these sorts of things... you reinforce them to your subconscious-mind... it hurts you the most.

    What ever was in the past and, whatever may be in the future... is not the time we live; we live now... Now is all the time we really have, to act on opportunity!

    When you think, say or, write down things like "I am a waste of time"... Say out loud, or write out a rebuttal, something like "No! I don't feel good but, I'm NOT a waste of time!"... It's not as important if you feel it or believe it now... We're simply running interference or resistance against this stream of constant negativity for now. It's the bullies in your own head that we need to address NOW...

    • Recognize the automatic negative thoughts
    • Call them by name
    • Replace them out-loud and/or in writing, with a positive (or at least neutral) thought.


    To continue on with the computer analogy...

    The hardware and code or, OS -kernel, has to be checked, made more tricky as the system has to stay running or on-line through this...

    Ways to reset and, installing a sort of anti-bug {ANT's / NAT's} (compare to antivirus) and, some sort of fire-wall to prevent further incursion especially while in this particularly vulnerable and unstable state... I believe is going to go a long ways toward recovery...

    There are some soft-reboot options too and, there's ways to shunt some of the noise, interference and, errata... for getting your system out of red-line overdrive...

    Due to the inefficiencies created by your mal-ware, in addition to interrupting the bad operations; we need to reallocate some of the remaining resources to the more critical life-support systems... severe degradation or failure of those, is not difficult to predict the likely outcome...

    Things like meditation, grounding exercises (like egor is talking about), thought-stopping, Prayer, humor... Sometimes even reaching out to others to help them which, may be something as simple as paying an unsolicited complement, smiling warmly to someone or, giving someone a hand... Again, little things that have extraordinary accumulative power... Not saving the world or curing cancer, or ignorance or anything like that...

    I started this last night then, ADISC seemed to have gone offline then and, I haven't finished what I was responding to BluePanda with as well...

    I shall leave you with this for now... Please ask or say what you will (so long as you're not being negative about yourself; You can be negative about me if that helps divert the negatives for a bit)...

    PM me, or keep going here... whatever works for you! Okay?

    -Marka
    I would say something negative but I think I'd be lying if I said it. You all have been a remarkable help to me and I can say you succeeded in reaching out. I do not take blunt things well because I am also blunt. As you can see that would cause butting of heads so to speak. I was told I have average intelligence which I'm begining to question... most 19 year olds that I know are not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed. Now to say I'm the only smart one would be boastful and wrong at best. I just don't believe in statistics anymore. They always change and there's always some new study proving something.. then 10 years later that study gets proven wrong. I can't really trust that. So I experiment with myself (in a non-sexual way) to test these statistics. Sometimes something is right, sometimes it is way wrong but that's just how it goes.

    I need to start breaking things into little pieces and analyzing them before trying to view the whole, stressing myself and others out. I believe you are a friend, you've said nothing to make me think otherwise. I think it just took a lot of prayer from others, support from those around me, and a change in my thoughts. I feel remarkably better all of the sudden and I cannot attribute it to any one thing. Thank you for taking the time to make such a lengthy comment, it is much appreciated and well recieved on my end.
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