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Repeating myself is pointless but....

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I want to suffer because I deserve it. So keep the 'blunt' 'rude' 'tactless' 'heartless' comments coming because I need to suffer to learn. I guess I just shouldn't be posting things where I cannot be understood no matter how many posts I make. Thank you to those that make helpful comments without simotainiously hurting me with quote 'blunt' words which always just hurt and I don't learn from that. I learn when good advice that IS NOT sugar coated... and is actually thought out. I just cannot make that clear so I will keep making posts until everyone gets it. I am depressed, I have borderline personality disorder, social phobia, and major depressive episode. Being blunt and telling the truth works only if you are someone that isn't me. I can't listen to comments if I'm being hurt by people then I ignore the good and focus on the bad. I'm easy to break, easy to hurt, and easy to make cry. I hope that you enjoy being blunt, unkind, and thoughtless with your comments, you know who you are. But you don't care about me, that's fine. I do not have the 'everyone is wrong but me attitude' I have the 'please... be nice... I'm fragile... a ticking time bomb waiting to go off... a gentle word turns away wrath but a harsh one stirs up anger.
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  1. Marka's Avatar
    Your post here and, this one, does remind me...

    ...of my earlier times here at ADISC... I've had my head and my A$$, handed back to me on a few occasions... and it smarted quite a bit, like being smacked in the nose...

    I would protest loudly, sometimes with a sharp tongue, snarky remarks and all... I felt and believed that I had been wronged, maimed, misrepresented... my words were twisted against me.

    The next phase would come, my whining and jabs on the sly, to my oppressors and assailants... Moderators would prompt me to hold the drama and refrain from attacking others...

    That embarrassed me and, often further incensed me too... I mean after-all, I was only rightfully defending myself from the drama and attacks from others... I believed that then.

    Silly side-note:


    Cliques, would sometimes form an 'us' against 'them'... Both parties of which believed in their respective correctness, deservation, of right and rights...

    Subjectivity increased, all the while that objectivity decreased... It became simply reactionary... actually, it started out reactionary yet, proceeded to worsen...

    Somehow, in all of this chaos... a little niggling in the back of my mind, began to process this on a bit more of an objective perspective... that did annoy me too though; I was all rallied to march with my signs of protest, supporters at my side... we would surely educate and enlighten the masses... We've been wronged and we demand compensation and reparations...

    Eventually, those more objective thoughts began to erode away at the sensational protest...

    Then I was more perplexed... We couldn't possibly both be right and wrong... could we??

    It was further intriguing to me then... I was pretty well underway with some concepts I'd been practicing in my face-to-face interactions...

    For many years before, I would notice that people would seem to act in distaste towards me... for no apparent reason that I could decipher...

    It had perhaps the most detriment, in that it was self-fulfilling as I would be increasingly afraid, angered and hurt... I would protest (often in passive-aggressive ways)... Yet, I would become more convinced of my inadequacies as a decent, worthwhile being... which as you might imagine, paved the road to hell, with an express-lane of self-loathing and depression...

    What I didn't know or realize then... was that I was bristling with spears and daggers, seething anger from all of the loss and hurt and fear...

    What I saw as people attacking me without provocation, turned out to be a combination of things such as their defense and fear... I was going around like a cornered, injured, wild-animal... that just arrived before them or, they stumbled upon... Some would try to help, others would shy away and, others still were instinctually prompted to subdue or, run me off... Oh, they were provoked! Most naturally and rightly so...

    Much like the proverbial kitten, made worse by the lack of domestication (or feral), un-socialized... which I most certainly was then... and like the kitten, I was by appearances, cuddly, friendly, cute, vulnerable, etc... So, imagine their surprise, when I hissed and growled, with claws flailing violently, teeth bared and generally making a mess of myself... When all they were attempting, was to bring me in for my safety or, put me elsewhere for their safety...

    Perception, perspectives, context...

    "judge not! Lest ye be judged!"

    Well, it seemed to me that I was certainly being judged... So, all is fair in love and war; I returned in-kind... Those hideous masses of people, the ugliness, the cruelty, the injustice... the hypocrisy, torment and waste... those blissfully ignorant, woefully arrogant, prudish snobs... the lot of them be damned! ...as I was damned!

    You see, I wasn't wearing rose-colored glasses during that time... my vision seemed to me to be quite clear and, not the least distorted... Of course at that time, I didn't know that bleak and bleary was a resultant deficiency of my vision. I couldn't understand how anyone could possibly be so cheery... or at least, not terribly glum... what fallacy had been bestowed upon them?

    I wasn't seeing clearly, I was seeing what was familiar to me though...

    As a bit of irony, I had to work hard to not make such lengthy comments in the past... I was entirely too verbose, trying to cover all of the angles... a fool's mission perhaps...

    Anyway, I thought to elaborate on some of my own experiences... perhaps, it may be of use to you... food for though, which I hope will not be either bitter or rancid... or terribly bland...

    For now,
    -Marka
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