Ups and Downs
by, 22-Sep-2015 at 06:14 (452 Views)
My depression has been hitting me the past few weeks and is a lot worse than the last time, which landed me in a mental health hospital.
This time, it has me really questioning life. Anxiety levels have been near unmanageable. Which is not helping me at all with the new job. I have this massive fear of losing it, then being left with not knowing what to do with my life. I fear the first major incident to happen and not knowing what to do.
I wake up every morning with suicidal thoughts that subside during the day and then get really bad again at night. It's this godawful roller coaster of depression.
To top things off, I made a pretty stupid decision to purchase a pistol a couple weeks back. Currently it remains locked up, unloaded and safe. But I truly cannot assure anyone at this point that it will remain that way. I am at breaking point, but this does not mean I am not trying to get help.
I am making progress each day trying to get better, but I feel like the battle I am fighting is one step forward and ten steps back. I find though that I do not fear death and that I almost look forward to what comes after.
On the one positive note I have from my day today, Everyone at my new job is super friendly and everyone has made me feel very welcome.