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FauxPas

Ups and Downs

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My depression has been hitting me the past few weeks and is a lot worse than the last time, which landed me in a mental health hospital.

This time, it has me really questioning life. Anxiety levels have been near unmanageable. Which is not helping me at all with the new job. I have this massive fear of losing it, then being left with not knowing what to do with my life. I fear the first major incident to happen and not knowing what to do.

I wake up every morning with suicidal thoughts that subside during the day and then get really bad again at night. It's this godawful roller coaster of depression.

To top things off, I made a pretty stupid decision to purchase a pistol a couple weeks back. Currently it remains locked up, unloaded and safe. But I truly cannot assure anyone at this point that it will remain that way. I am at breaking point, but this does not mean I am not trying to get help.

I am making progress each day trying to get better, but I feel like the battle I am fighting is one step forward and ten steps back. I find though that I do not fear death and that I almost look forward to what comes after.

On the one positive note I have from my day today, Everyone at my new job is super friendly and everyone has made me feel very welcome.
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  1. boobybird89's Avatar
    Are you on medication for this or have you seen a therapist? This sounds very dangerous to me.
  2. arcituthis's Avatar
    Hi FauxPas, I hope today is going a little better.
    I would strongly urge you to talk to somebody about these feelings. A gun in the equation makes a dangerous situation even more dangerous. You say it is locked up. Is it possible to let a friend or family member hold onto the keys for a while or let them hold onto the gun?
  3. FauxPas's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by boobybird89
    Are you on medication for this or have you seen a therapist? This sounds very dangerous to me.
    No to both. I am trying to find a therapist, but don't want to take medication.



    Quote Originally Posted by arcituthis
    Hi FauxPas, I hope today is going a little better.
    I would strongly urge you to talk to somebody about these feelings. A gun in the equation makes a dangerous situation even more dangerous. You say it is locked up. Is it possible to let a friend or family member hold onto the keys for a while or let them hold onto the gun?
    I am trying to find someone to talk too, but it has to be someone I completely trust. The gun has no place to go, even if it did, my roommate has one as well that he keeps loaded and out.
  4. arcituthis's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by FauxPas
    I am trying to find someone to talk too, but it has to be someone I completely trust. The gun has no place to go, even if it did, my roommate has one as well that he keeps loaded and out.
    It may feel redundant, but here is the link for the suicide prevention help lines: https://www.adisc.org/forum/showthre...ion-Help-Lines
    Please don't disregard them as an option if you need somebody to talk to while you search for somebody you can trust.
  5. FauxPas's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by arcituthis
    It may feel redundant, but here is the link for the suicide prevention help lines: https://www.adisc.org/forum/showthre...ion-Help-Lines
    Please don't disregard them as an option if you need somebody to talk to while you search for somebody you can trust.
    To be honest as much I would like to say I would call them, chances are not good I would.
  6. Maxx's Avatar
    Having the pistol in somebody else's safe for a while is a good idea. Also... sorry to be graphic... but think of the mess you would leave for somebody to find and clean up. Have some consideration. Stick around.

    ... or at least send me the lottery ticket sitting on the corner of your desk. Your checking out would guarantee it will be a big winner.

    Tomorrow is always another day, full of possibilities. Nighttime is ugly sometimes with the mind racing. I've found sleeping through it is best. Exercise to the point of exhaustion works for me.
  7. arcituthis's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by FausPas
    To be honest as much I would like to say I would call them, chances are not good I would.
    In all honesty, I probably wouldn't either. It's nice to know it exists though. Standing on the ledge isn't exactly the time to wonder if there is somebody that can help.

    Anyhow, I hope your week gets better.
  8. Marka's Avatar
    ......
    ** NOTICE: Some of the videos below, will be of a degree of help to some... and a possible 'trigger' for others! VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED! **


    Depression is a disease of civilization
    : Stephen Ilardi at TEDxEmory

    On living with depression and suicidal feelings | Sami Moukaddem | TEDxLAU

    Overcoming hopelessness | Nick Vujicic | TEDxNoviSad

    Why we choose suicide | Mark Henick | TEDxToronto -This one get's a bit tough-

    FauxPas,

    There are many more videos here that you may find helpful in understanding your own situation better... and that may help you.

    If nothing else, perhaps they'll keep you occupied in the night... or even help you to sleep...

    Another thing that get's a bit sketchy... Knowing that you have the means readily available, should be a reason for you to relax your temptations and preoccupation; because you don't have to wait on anything or anyone to carry it out, and that makes it so that there's no pressure to hurry with it... That's what worked for me the last time, and before I got proper help.

    I certainly can't recommend that to anyone... However, you are already considering the means that you already have now.

    I would ask you to ask your room-mate/friend, if he would consider unloading his weapon, put it out of sight (and/or lock it up, trigger-lock at least) and perhaps stash his rounds away too.

    If you don't wish to confide in him just yet about your suicidal ideations; you could make-up a story about a less than stable friend of yours, who may visit anytime soon... But, if you will, tell him what's going on with you instead.

    I have to say too, and with my own personal experience; side effects of medications are generally temporary, and are far less destructive than death... and can be a temporary reprieve for you now... I'm not big on pill-pushing however, it really can make a huge difference for the better.

    If nothing else, I would ask you to study the shit out of depression and related elements... especially the trickery it causes our minds, thoughts, feelings, beliefs... all drastically skewed from depression and anxiety...

    Make a truly INFORMED decision!

    Give yourself the consideration that you might give to a perfect stranger... or one of us! Would you kill me? (I almost did, on 3-different occasions) I wouldn't think of killing you... could we borrow on that a bit?

    If you were to ever go through with this, you'd take a part of us with you... it can't be helped, we're connected...

    We are especially concerned about you for you!

    "Faith is believing when common sense your senses tells you not to."

    Stick around our friend, we have much yet to discuss!

    Humbly yours,
    -Marka

    - Suicide Prevention - Crisis Intervention - Resources Information & Referrals -


    United States
    If you are at a high risk of suicide or otherwise in need of immediate assistance please call 911 now or your local emergency number.

    Speak to someone about your suicidal feelings, by calling one of the following national suicide prevention lines:
    1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)

    1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)


    Borrowed from ADISC ARTICLE Suicide Prevention Help Lines
    By: Starrunner
  9. FauxPas's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by Marka
    ......

    FauxPas,

    There are many more videos here that you may find helpful in understanding your own situation better... and that may help you.

    If nothing else, perhaps they'll keep you occupied in the night... or even help you to sleep...

    Another thing that get's a bit sketchy... Knowing that you have the means readily available, should be a reason for you to relax your temptations and preoccupation; because you don't have to wait on anything or anyone to carry it out, and that makes it so that there's no pressure to hurry with it... That's what worked for me the last time, and before I got proper help.

    I certainly can't recommend that to anyone... However, you are already considering the means that you already have now.
    I do feel better knowing it's there and that it is an option if it were to come down to it. It also helps that when it comes down to it, the "where" is at minimum a 45 minute drive from where I currently reside and that I will have time to think on the way and who knows? Maybe back out?



    I would ask you to ask your room-mate/friend, if he would consider unloading his weapon, put it out of sight (and/or lock it up, trigger-lock at least) and perhaps stash his rounds away too.

    If you don't wish to confide in him just yet about your suicidal ideations; you could make-up a story about a less than stable friend of yours, who may visit anytime soon... But, if you will, tell him what's going on with you instead.
    Trust me when I say, I won't use his gun to end my life and my reasoning may seem odd, but there is a reason I bought a .22 caliber, plus I have to much respect for my friend to steal his gun to do that with.



    I have to say too, and with my own personal experience; side effects of medications are generally temporary, and are far less destructive than death... and can be a temporary reprieve for you now... I'm not big on pill-pushing however, it really can make a huge difference for the better.

    If nothing else, I would ask you to study the shit out of depression and related elements... especially the trickery it causes our minds, thoughts, feelings, beliefs... all drastically skewed from depression and anxiety...
    I remember a lot of it the first time, the feelings and the distortion of reality around me, but this time is so much different, before I hadn't grown tired of living as I feel now. Before it was me thinking the world didn't want me here and that I was a burden to everyone around me. That's not what this is now, I don't know how else to explain it other than life doesn't feel right anymore.



    Make a truly INFORMED decision!

    Give yourself the consideration that you might give to a perfect stranger... or one of us! Would you kill me? (I almost did, on 3-different occasions) I wouldn't think of killing you... could we borrow on that a bit?

    If you were to ever go through with this, you'd take a part of us with you... it can't be helped, we're connected...

    We are especially concerned about you for you!
    That it one thing that keeps me going is my family and my friends. Everyone is very supportive. But even with all the support, some days it doesn't really matter.



    "Faith is believing when common sense your senses tells you not to."
    This is actually a quote from my favorite Christmas movie; Miracle on 34'th Street. XD



    Stick around our friend, we have much yet to discuss!

    Humbly yours,
    -Marka
    I'm off and on this site so often anymore, I have become a lurker more than a contributor.
  10. FauxPas's Avatar
  11. Marka's Avatar
    Miracle on 34'th Street is a pretty good movie... what about "It's a wonderful life" ? It's Christmas too! And, it makes a pretty interesting point in this particular context... besides, how do you not love Jimmy (James) Stewart? "morry christmas bedford falls!"

    Cheers,
    -Marka
  12. FauxPas's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by Marka
    Miracle on 34'th Street is a pretty good movie... what about "It's a wonderful life" ? It's Christmas too! And, it makes a pretty interesting point in this particular context... besides, how do you not love Jimmy (James) Stewart? "morry christmas bedford falls!"

    Cheers,
    -Marka
    I've never actually seen it. Keep meaning to watch it through
  13. Maxx's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by FauxPas
    I've never actually seen it. Keep meaning to watch it through
    Yet another reason to stick around.
  14. FauxPas's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by Maxx
    Yet another reason to stick around.
    One day at a time right now, currently my day off, spending it alone, trying to keep distracted.
  15. Maxx's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by FauxPas
    One day at a time right now, currently my day off, spending it alone, trying to keep distracted.
    Its one day at a time for all of us if you think about it. I could get hit by a bus when I walk to the grocery store later.
  16. FauxPas's Avatar


    Quote Originally Posted by Maxx
    Its one day at a time for all of us if you think about it. I could get hit by a bus when I walk to the grocery store later.
    Honestly, I wish something like that would just happen to me. I wouldn't have the guilt then
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