To the spouse of a diaper lover
by, 25-Aug-2015 at 18:57 (639 Views)
I originally wrote the following entry as a response to a woman who just discovered that her husband was a closeted diaper lover. I think that this pretty well sums up my experience, and my advice to others who discover that they have a significant other who is ABDL (though, because of my experience, I target the DL side).
So, you either found out, or maybe you suspect that your spouse is a diaper lover, and you are wondering "What do I do now?" Or maybe you are worried about what this means about your love. "Why," you may ask,"has he hidden this from you for so long?" Why wasn't he honest about this from the get go?
Maybe you have more practical concerns like "What does this mean for our (potential or existing) children? Is he attracted to babies?
You may be even wondering how to talk about it and how to open a dialog that will take this new information and build on it, rather than allowing it to become a rift in your relationship.
Let me tell you my experience first, and then I'll get to some advice I have for you.
I hid my DL side from my wife for several years, and it was awful. I hated my DL side, and I hated myself, and I got to the point where I wanted to end my life because of how awful it was. I decided I'd rather be dead than tell her, and that by killing myself I would be doing her a favor because she deserved better than me. At that low point, I decided to get help, but still didn't tell my wife or the doc about the DL. He thought I had manic depression and gave me medicine. The medicine didn't work, and we made an appointment to see a psychiatrist. Then night before we went to the psychiatrist I broke down and told my wife about my DL side. I knew I wouldn't be able to get the help I needed unless I was honest with the doctor, and I needed to be honest with her first.
Let me also say that I married "up". After I met my wife, I remember wishing I could find somebody kind of like that to date and marry. I knew she was out of my league, so my best hope was to find somebody who had some of her traits. Telling this person that I respected and loved with all my soul about my DL side was, bar none, the hardest thing I've done, and in the end, I only did it because for me it was either stop living, or tell her about it.
I share this to tell you that I sympathize with your situation. If I can extrapolate from my own experience, your spouse is hiding this NOT because he doesn't love you, or because he loves the diapers more than you, or because he wanted to keep it a secret from you -- at least that wasn't me, when I was in his shoes. I was afraid of losing the best part of my life, my wife. I was so certain that she wouldn't love me, that she would reject me, and that she would condemn me. Looking back on it with five or six year's distance, I can tell you that I underestimated her, and I underestimated her love for me. But what I felt was real, and it was painful, and it was terrifying.
Please remember that your spouse/significant other is the person you knew and loved before you found out about the DL side. Everything you love about him is still part of him. He is not his obsession. He has a side of him that is, to put it mildly, different. My wife still thinks that my DL is weird. She doesn't get it. I don't ever expect her to understand what happens internally to me that makes me DL. It just isn't in her wiring. But she is okay with that, because she loves and accepts me. All of me. All my perfect imperfections, to quote John Legend.
We don't include DL in our sex life. It isn't a turn on for her, and she isn't interested in including it. Every DL is unique, but for me I wear a diaper almost every night and I wear a diaper often during the day. If I'm wearing a diaper when she is interested in being intimate, she takes it off like she would take off other clothing. If I've been wet, I go take a quick shower.
Maybe you wonder about masturbation while he is wearing a diaper. That is pretty common for DLs. There is usually a sexual component for a DL (as opposed to many ABs for whom there may or may not be a sexual component), but it is to the diaper itself. It has nothing to do with children. For me, the diaper is a comfort object. It helps reduce my stress and anxiety. I can't explain why, but it has been for as long as I remember. (My first memory is of being 4 years old and putting on a diaper, so it has been there my whole life.)
I recognize that this is strange and new to you. My wife and I are working through the challenges and are getting to a comfortable place. It is a journey you and your spouse get to do together to find a balance that works for both of you.
Let me now address another question you may have: having kids. I have five kids. My oldest is not quite 9 and my youngest is just over a year. We've been dealing with kids' diapers now for nine years straight. I can't speak for others, but I can definitively speak for myself: the kids diapers don't do anything for me. I am not aroused in any way. If anything changing the kids diaper is a turn off. So, it does not necessarily follow (and from those I've met, I'd say it is actually quite unlikely) that changing a baby diaper will have any effect on your husband.
What advice do I have for you? First, talk to him. Tell him that you love him and that you accept this part of him. Right now he is likely feeling exceptionally vulnerable. You will probably have to tell him this several times over a long period of time to help him believe that he is worth your love. So keep telling him.
If you have concerns or questions, please be honest about them and bring them up so you can talk about them. This will show him that you (1) really are accepting and (2) that you are being honest about your feelings. This makes the sincere love you are expressing in the first step more believable, and will allow you to open up an avenue of dialog about the subject.
Talk about what you are comfortable with and what you are uncomfortable with. My wife knows that part of what helps with the anxiety is masturbating or urinating in the diaper. We've talked about it, and she is okay with it because she understands that it is something that is helping me deal with my anxiety and problems. We have discussed that it is important to both of us that I don't use the diaper as my primary sexual outlet, so she said that as long as we are making time to be intimate and building our relationship together she is okay with the masturbation part. I don't masturbate in front of her. In short, we have discussed the terms that we are okay with and we make it work in a way that addresses her concerns as well as meeting my innate needs.
Finally, if you sense any mental health issues, don't be afraid to address them, even though they are a totally separate, though possibly related issue. My depression and anxiety are real issues I still deal with on a daily basis. I am taking medicine to help with those issues. They were exacerbated by the DL side of me, but resolving them has not cured me. I am coming to realize that I will always have a DL side, and I can't believe I've found somebody who will take me as I come and will love all of me.
The last thing I'll say for now is that this group, ADISC, can be a great group for both of you. This is a support group with a bunch of people in a similar situation. Let us help you and your husband. I'm pretty new here, but I joined because I wanted to be able to get that kind of help from people who understand me and understand that while I didn't pick my issues, I'm still a good person regardless of those issues, and that those issues are part of what has made me who I am today. So welcome to the community. Invite your husband to join us as well. We can work through this together! Neither of you are alone.