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Hey, I know it has been almost a year since my last post, I have not been vary active on this site long story involving letting people treat me worse than I deserve while still having knowingly put myself there so I guess I kind of deserved it...

Anyway, I have been struggling with depression for a lot of my life, I feel I am amongst people who understand and I have been looking for anything to hold on to and keep me here. Before I continue this is not a suicide note... And I have been coming up against many walls recently. My generally okay luck seems to have run dry...

What I am asking is though, those of you that have been, or are alone, how do you all do it? How do you keep going? I have tried being more active and focusing less on what I don't have and how blessed I am but I keep shutting myself down. When I try to be normal I find myself to be a judgmental off-putting ass, when I decide not to talk I perfectly wall flower and scare people when I move. When I am myself I am equally alone, but at least they all know I am there. I don't know how to be genuine without sounding crazy... And I don't know how to seem normal without being a terrible person.


  1. Aidy's Avatar
    I had depression for years, a lot of that time without realising it. Mine was treatment resistant, meaning no drugs worked and no treatment worked.

    I lived alone for 3 years 5-12 hours drive away from any support, medical or family. It was exceptionally difficult so I ended up moving back to the city so I could be close to people who I trusted and my family. Unfortunately, lots of the people I trusted let me down but 3 people stuck with me.

    The only thing that worked for me is getting the medical side fixed. I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for a bit which was how far I fell with my depression. The biggest thing I did was stumble across, by luck, the right doctor who was accredited in something called "Biobalance." In the USA it's called "The Walsh Institute." They did genetic tests and found the cause of my depression, which ended up being a gene mutation which made it difficult for my body to produce seratonin or melatonin.. I forget which one. Anyway, within a few days I felt the improvement with their supplement based treatment and today, a few months later, I'm finding it a lot easier and am starting a new job for the first time in 2 years.

    As to loneliness, I find this one particularly hard too. Depression is quite isolating. I found that I had huge empathy for people who were being disadvantaged which made me a judgmental off-putting ass about my country, my community and lots of my friends who only care about themselves. You'd think empathy would be a good thing but turns out it isn't that well received in modern society. Kind of made it hard for me to have small talk with most people. It kept turning to my views of how selfish I felt my country was which made people annoyed. (Because Australia, like the US, is very patriotic... we can do no wrong!) But I did find people I could have conversations with. My brother was one. He's an Afghan vet and came back feeling that Australia was selfish so I could have conversations with him. I also met a few people through my volunteering who I could talk with properly. I also found stepping out of my own age group worked. People in their 40s, 50s and 60s I find are much easier to talk to than people my own age and I can have better conversations with them.
    Is that the type of loneliness you were talking about? Or more about relationships?

    In short... doesn't depression just suck? But after you beat it hopefully you look back and see all the ways you have become a better person and your life has improved because you went through the fight. (Post traumatic growth)
  2. jimmyjpants's Avatar
    A lot of what you had to say rings very true with me. Part of my depression issue, is I am sure it is some level of clinical grade, but I hate to admit weakness where I don't have a facade to hide behind... On the loneliness I have a small group of friends that due to an issue that I caused and only myself and the other one effected are aware of (to the best of my knowledge) I created a rift there. I was not entirely in the wrong, but I kept building up the friend that started the dominoes falling while tearing myself down. It applies to both friendship and intimate relationships. I shared this lifestyle with her made a real connection, and when I tried to bring this up to the friend that for lack of a better term had "dibs" he shut me down which is foreign between us and it is tearing me apart. I want to let it go, but I don't want them to feel bad, and/or end it on my account... I don't want to say anything because I feel like if it ends naturally I might still have a chance... But at the same time I don't know that I even want it. I am almost 30 and I know that that is young, but I don't know how to meet people and when I do it plays out like this. I hate to share this with someone feel like they are being shown a world that they could only dream of and then have them leave to not participate in it... There are some many time I wish I could be "normal" not one of us because I feel it is so limiting, because of how much it matters to me... I don't know honestly... But thanks for the advice and the words of encouragement, they really mean a lot. Maybe one day I will get over my hang ups and open up to someone that can help me.
  3. Aidy's Avatar
    So many similarities.

    I know how you feel about real connections. The last real friend I feel I've made was when I was 15 (I'm now 28.. nearly). Everyone I meet and talk to always seem to be more acquaintances than friends.

    I also can't imagine having a relationship where I trust someone enough to open up my little side. Because it's becoming more important to me I feel like the only option is to meet someone who also is a little kid. I have the benefit of not minding boys or girls but then I have to throw asexuality into the mix which means I have to find someone who doesn't mind not having lots of sex since the idea makes me feel uncomfortable. (eww.. sex.. yuck)

    Relationships, friendships.. They're all difficult but I'm hoping that I'll figure them out. I'm also doing a lot of therapy to beat my mental blocks so hopefully that helps.
  4. jimmyjpants's Avatar
    I hope that works out for you. I know how difficult it is. Obviously, I suppose. But thank you for your words, they have been a help. - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community. is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.