new and exploring
by, 18-Jul-2015 at 23:12 (309 Views)
Hello to anyone who might be reading this.
I feel both relieved and a little scared to have a place to be able to open up about my little side amongst like-minded folks. I have had to hide and stuff down this part of me for so long, only letting bits and pieces out.
Yes, my husband and kids know that mom sleeps with a plushie or a doll, and likes to color now and then, and loves Pixar movies, but they take that as all part of my eccentricities. They don't know that I long to dress up in little girl clothes, suck on a paci and drink from a sippy cup, play with toys, and be cuddled and even rocked, and talked to and cared for as if I am 4 or 5 years old.
My childhood is a wild mix of happy experiences and memories and horrible trauma and innocence stolen. I do not remember ever, EVER feeling safe. Ever. I was terrified of the dark, terrified of being left alone in bed at night, and I was told to suck it up. I have always been extremely emotionally sensitive, and as a child I was chided, scolded and mocked by my own family for always crying or being too emotional. So my sweet, playful, innocent little girl got stuffed and stuffed further and further down until she practically disappeared...but not quite.
She was there waiting when a wonderful therapist entered my life and helped me work through all the bad memories and trauma and heartbreak. Now she wants to come out and play and I am ready to let her, to nurture this sweet side of me that was never allowed a voice.