Watching everyone around me succeed. Failing at my own life.
by, 15-Jun-2015 at 13:24 (458 Views)
So as some of you may know I dropped out of high school. . . for many reasons, primarily anxiety and the whole truancy thing and all of the details that I won't bore you with. . .
But recently, (and I blame social media for this) I've been more depressed. Why you might ask? I think I have a theory. 2015 was the year my class graduated. Yes, Past tense, I watched everyone i know IRL graduate last Tuesday via facebook. . . It finally hit me, like a train that I've royally fucked my life. I mean what do I do all day? I wake up at 6 PM, eat dinner that was pre-made for me, then sit on the computer until 8 AM and repeat. What the hell kind of quality of life is that? And even with no stress producing elements in my life (Save for family related stress) I'm still having this god damn anxiety. . . what in the hell is wrong with me? Is it me? Some people tell me I should just get over it, some people share their condolences and say things like 'they wish they could help,' some people share their own tips they used to get past these things, and religious people say 'god wouldn't have given you these problems unless he thought you could deal with them.' GOD I'D LIKE A REFUND PLEASE.
I just want a normal life, I want to be able to leave my damn house without having an anxiety attack, I want to be able to go to my grandparents house without having to go to a fucking mental hospital over my anxiety. I want to have people here, IRL that I can go hang out with. . . and as weird as it sounds coming from me, the most lazy person on the planet, I want a fucking job. I want to be NORMAL in every essence, I want a job, I want normal life problems, Like "Should I pay for internet or cable" or "Did I remember to turn the stove off?" That stuff, not "Did I remember to take my medication, because if I did I'm going to have a freakout." or "Am I going to run out of my medication, what happens if I need to take more to deal with my anxiety and the doctor doesn't understand that I'm short by exactly one pill because one day I had to take an extra one, what if so on and so forth."
. . .
I want normal people problems. . . what did I do to deserve this crap? Why am I having anxiety even though I have absolutely no problems, nothing to worry about. . .
Why can't I be like the people I used to know, standing there with a diploma, ready to head off to college. . . why did I fuck up my life?
The best way to describe my thoughts right now. . . is by lyric.
"I don't care if it hurts, I want to have control, I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul."
Be it someone I know, or god (5 years of praying and still no golden miracle! Here's hoping though.), or my therapist, or even someone I don't know. . . I just want someone to help me fix my anxiety so I can move on with my life and have a normal, boring mundane life where I wake up, go to work, come home, and sleep. That's all I want out of life, none of that other shit. I just want a normal boring life. . . is that too hard to ask for?