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Why I'm here: The sad part...(and yes, the first part)

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Another copy from anther site. I mentioned that I would explain the thing that brought me back to my little-head, so here goes!

Alright, this is gonna be tough, but the words have to come out. They've been buzzing around, practicing this very dance, for a week or so, and they assure me they are ready to come out. I have a their solemn promise that they will not sting me on the way out. I am not fishing for sympathy, I swear. I'm just getting it all down. It will be of particular interest to some, none at all to others, the curse of being an anything.

So. Deep breath, finger stretches, lion face, lemon face, all that...

About nine years ago, I began dating a girl. Simple so far, right? We worked together and had dated for a week or so before, but had a disagreement on the amount of alcohol is reasonable for a single consumer. I said some, she said all, I said sorry, but I can't, short period of yelling, the end. About a year later, still working together, I noticed that she was looking healthier, had lost weight and seemed happier. I told her my thoughts and she surprised me by saying that she had stopped drinking. After some time, we once more came together over a fresh episode of Saturday Night Live and from that night on, became a couple in earnest.

Gods, we were happy. We did all the cute little things that new couples do, and continued doing them for years and years. After six months I told her about my AB tendencies and, while shocked, she understood that it was important to me. She didn't like it, and she never wanted to participate, but neither did she leave, mock or forbid. That lead to me wearing baby stuff and doing little things around her, which, unfortunately, led to me stopping. I could see the disgust in her eyes. She never said anything, but it was pretty obvious that she wasn't into it and found it disturbing. And that gave me the shames, so I quit.

By this time, we were living together, like folk eventually do in this situation. Marriage was proposed a few times, but she didn't believe in it and turned it down every time. I didn't care, what's a government paper trail gotta do with love? We even, begrudgingly on my part, bought a house together.

I'm not going to belabor the point here. The important part is that we loved each other very much. We had a great time together, a healthy understanding of wants and needs, a garden and a shared hatred of the rabbits that used it as a buffet. We were the cute couple, the stable couple, the forever twins. Ok...not so much the last one, it turns out.

About five months ago, she sat me down and told me that she wanted to split up. Again, I'll try not to bore you with details. She said we had grown to the point of friendship, almost brother- and sister-like. She wasn't physically attracted to me anymore, hadn't been for months, maybe more. There wasn't anyone else, she assured me, but she wanted there to be, someday.

Months? Maybe more? And it didn't seem prudent to bring that up to me? Maybe give us a chance to become closer, to maybe fix things? It's this secrecy and lack of transparency that leaves the bitterest taste in my throat. That she made the decision unilaterally and after such a long time? Yeah...that's what I'll always be angry about.

So. Another deep breath, some amount of cheek drying. Need to get more Kleenex.

The actual split was amicable, at least as far as possessions went. I got some of the equity we had built up in the house and someof the furniture and such and lucked into a pretty nice place pretty quickly. I spent about a month straight in bed, a mess, a wreck, an omlet of a man. That's not a typo! I'd been beaten, scrambled even, cracked bits of shell everywhere I stepped. Not a thing happened to me during those days that didn't remind me of her, or more precisely, us, and set me off into fits of melancholy, now fortified with tears and anger at the less than honest treatment that lead me to this state.

Things are better now, but I'm still a damn tender heart. I can't even think of a romantic relationship right now. It would be unfair to all involved and honestly, I don't have the courage to fail again. Not just now, at any rate. I know that given time, it'll happen. The love part, not the failing part. I hope.

So what's a guy to do after such a horrible patch?

Stay tuned, get better...

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