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I had a horrible nightmare last night:WARNING this is very graphic

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Alright I just woke up this morning screaming literally like a damned soul in hell. Before reading this further I think I should mention that this can be disturbing so if you don't think you can handle it stop reading past this sentence right now.

Be advised years ago and I am talking about reality here not the dream just yet, there was a freak accident where one of our old crane straps actually broke and this 10 ton thing we where working on (it was a ventilation device) nearly crushed me. My back was turned to it as I was welding on parts when it just happened to hit the ground mere inches from me. The only reason why it never killed me was because the thing only fell like 2-3 inches to the ground while I was distracted by my work. I could not see this thing moving because of my welding helmet being necessarily to dark to see anything else. This accident was not a attempt on my life. It was merely some idiot who was not being safe who should have been terminated from his job before he got someone killed. Keith never got fired for unknown reasons that even I am not so sure I want to know why. Me and Keith where having problems because the idiot nearly killed me on several occasions including this one. Please be advised I am paranoid and I sometimes wondered if Keith really was trying to murder me for something that I knew nothing about. It's unlikely of course that Keith was trying to kill me and make it look like a accident but I never did shake the feeling even though this involved incidents that happened 17 years ago. I only mention this as I suspect this ties into the dream I had somehow.

Now the dream was like this and be advised this was just a dream not the actual reality I stated above. I was welding and Keith along with this other guy I did not know attacked me and I had to kill them both at least from my perspective which I did in fact do. Please be advised this did not happen in real life as it was only a dream but I thought it was real at the time. After the "fight" was over I called 911 and at some point I was being sent to the electric chair because of what I had done(Yes there was a "trial" but I felt that those details here are irrelevant and not worth mentioning here). I woke up screaming after being walked down a hallway with the guards surrounding me saying "dead man walking here" rather to enthusiastically. I did not realize I was dreaming until I woke up in bed screaming and realized the dream for what it was.

I'm totally at the end of my rope here because of this dream. It's going to be another 3 weeks before I see my therapist again. I keep asking myself why I am still alive after all that has happened to me. No I am neither suicidal nor am I homicidal so please do not worry about about me concerning that at least. I'm simply unable to do that because I know the effect that would have on my friends that I value more then life itself sometimes so I'm not going to knowingly hurt those I care about like that. What disturbs me here is that this dream actually felt real until I woke up leading me to question am I actually becoming a killer for knowingly ending the life of another person even if they where just a dream? I knew exactly where to hit that guy in the to put him down fast that I could do in real life though I never actually did so in real life (thank god it was not real).I simply wanted them to stand down and leave me alone.

I keep asking myself am I a killer on the inside or am I just a scared little girl who never got properly taken care of before? I really don't know what to think or do or say about this at this point that I'm not already happen to be doing to help my situation. I wish I could see my therapist again once every week before I started Cognitive Enhancement therapy (C.E.T). My insurance will not cover for C.E.T and my regular therapist for more then once a month while I'm still going to C.E.T for the past year now. C.E.T will be ending soon but I will not be able to see my therapist regularly again until July still anyways.


  1. Entropio's Avatar
    Hon, if there's one thing I know it's that murdering someone in a dream - while terrifying and worrying- does NOT make you a killer. I once had a dream where I shot some guy twice, and I know it's never pretty.

    How you holding up?
  2. giantguy99's Avatar
    Well my past has not killed me obviously nor has it given me enough reason to to deprive my friends of my good company or want to do the same to anyone else. As to how I'm holding up well I look like hell or death warmed over right now most likely. It's 1:15 AM here as I start typing this and I will be missing church again because I am in no state of mind to be going out right now sadly. Sorry about what you must be going through right now it breaks my heart to not be able to help anyone because of my current state of mind. I'm just never going to be happy where I currently live as a result of what was done to me and I could very well be starting to finally fall apart.
  3. Marka's Avatar
    If I may...

    Death is also a "permanent end of something that is not alive, the ruin or destruction of something..."

    I would further opine a much more symbolic interpretation of death perhaps as perceived or interpreted by the subconscious-mind... and while side-stepping the majority of woo-woo, magical mystery tour type of connotations that may be associated with dream interpretations...

    This otherwise disturbing dream recollection may be...pardon the pun, a wake-up call that there are things to let go of, or as you've suggested "change"... Or, at least you may need assistance with... Have any safety violations been filed about the careless employees for any of the incidents you've mentioned?

    The seriousness and morbidity of the situation that was impressed upon you in your dream state, may reflect the degree for which your general and psychological health may be at risk in real life... and/or, it could be a foreseeable or pending risk to come... whereupon, should you fail to take appropriate measures now... you may be left with having to take more drastic measures in short notice... Keeping in mind that we have no literal interpretations or expectations from this dream...

    Your pending execution in the dream... may be the symbolic representation of your fear of condemnation and rejection from others, or lack of justification from yourself, for taking measures otherwise justifiable... yet, for which you have not reconciled for yourself...

    I don't see that you should concern yourself about any unsubstantiated proclivities to becoming homicidal... certainly not based on this dream alone... you don't indicate any homicidal ideation of any significant degree as far as I can tell.

    Try to relax a bit and see if you can think of other symbolic meanings to your nightmare... not so many literal ones...

    Take care,
  4. giantguy99's Avatar
    My fear of condemnation and rejection from others has been going on for more then half my life. I spent everyday since I was 13 being condemned by almost everyone I knew(including my own parents). It's not even theoretically possible for me to be reconciled with myself simply because of my reckless nature. You see I seriously care more about those around me then even my self and I do have a history of completely neglecting my emotional needs. I'm not ashamed of what I have done intelligently speaking because I know better. But I can't say it's not impossible for me to be ashamed of what I have done emotionally. No I'm not reckless by some bullshit romantic notion of the greater good or something like that(I would almost be insulted by the mere notion outside the fact people can't possibly know that usually). I'm reckless because it's been conditioned into my very nature. I'm crazy enough to do things that no sane person would even consider simply out of a lack of fear and extreme altruism. For lack of better words I don't get scared when I should. I get angry. The sad truth of the matter is that pending risk is already a reality for me years ago. My shame may very well have become true wrath. I am potentially beyond furious of what was done to me. I have extreme control over my emotions because I'm clearly not violent as far as my statements are online and it would be completely out of character for me if that where to happen but in the end even I have to answer to being human.

    I can't tell if there really is that much anger in me which if possible would most decidedly could be at extremely dangerous volumes and the only reason why it has not consumed me is because of a remarkable level of self control on my part. Then there's seeing what you are going through Marka. Why do I get to be on SSDI when I see you (and others) suffer like that? Stack that with cold reality that I can't do much about it and it's not hard to understand why I have so little hope of seeing things get better in my lifetime. As if that where not enough part of the reason why I can't do much for anyone really is my own fault. If I took better care of myself in my past I could have been so much more. I'm still haunted by the day my friends came to see me at the homeless shelter (it was a christian group that I was a part of at the university I used to go to. they where doing a tour of my shelter apparently) and realized just how easy it is to end up in that situation. When I saw the sad looks on their faces I realized I was responsible for that damage. I learned that day that the road to hell is paved with good intentions as well as the harm I unintentionally did to those who cared about me. Bad people make bad mistakes but what happens when good people make mistakes? The end results can be even worse I suspect.

    The only things that bring me any peace is simply doing volunteer work (at my church usually but anywhere works technically) or regressing at night when I go to bed because it can't hurt anything to do so. I just want the anger to stop but I don't know how and it's burning me out so severely that I'm afraid I am being made hollow in some way that words cannot describe. I'm sorry Marka that I had to tell you all of this because I never wanted to burden you with my problems. I never even wanted to make this blog. Please keep in mind I still have trust issues with the moderators which is why this was never going to go on the mature topics forum so I made this blog instead. - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community. is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.