I had a horrible nightmare last night:WARNING this is very graphic
by, 16-May-2015 at 17:06 (619 Views)
Alright I just woke up this morning screaming literally like a damned soul in hell. Before reading this further I think I should mention that this can be disturbing so if you don't think you can handle it stop reading past this sentence right now.
Be advised years ago and I am talking about reality here not the dream just yet, there was a freak accident where one of our old crane straps actually broke and this 10 ton thing we where working on (it was a ventilation device) nearly crushed me. My back was turned to it as I was welding on parts when it just happened to hit the ground mere inches from me. The only reason why it never killed me was because the thing only fell like 2-3 inches to the ground while I was distracted by my work. I could not see this thing moving because of my welding helmet being necessarily to dark to see anything else. This accident was not a attempt on my life. It was merely some idiot who was not being safe who should have been terminated from his job before he got someone killed. Keith never got fired for unknown reasons that even I am not so sure I want to know why. Me and Keith where having problems because the idiot nearly killed me on several occasions including this one. Please be advised I am paranoid and I sometimes wondered if Keith really was trying to murder me for something that I knew nothing about. It's unlikely of course that Keith was trying to kill me and make it look like a accident but I never did shake the feeling even though this involved incidents that happened 17 years ago. I only mention this as I suspect this ties into the dream I had somehow.
Now the dream was like this and be advised this was just a dream not the actual reality I stated above. I was welding and Keith along with this other guy I did not know attacked me and I had to kill them both at least from my perspective which I did in fact do. Please be advised this did not happen in real life as it was only a dream but I thought it was real at the time. After the "fight" was over I called 911 and at some point I was being sent to the electric chair because of what I had done(Yes there was a "trial" but I felt that those details here are irrelevant and not worth mentioning here). I woke up screaming after being walked down a hallway with the guards surrounding me saying "dead man walking here" rather to enthusiastically. I did not realize I was dreaming until I woke up in bed screaming and realized the dream for what it was.
I'm totally at the end of my rope here because of this dream. It's going to be another 3 weeks before I see my therapist again. I keep asking myself why I am still alive after all that has happened to me. No I am neither suicidal nor am I homicidal so please do not worry about about me concerning that at least. I'm simply unable to do that because I know the effect that would have on my friends that I value more then life itself sometimes so I'm not going to knowingly hurt those I care about like that. What disturbs me here is that this dream actually felt real until I woke up leading me to question am I actually becoming a killer for knowingly ending the life of another person even if they where just a dream? I knew exactly where to hit that guy in the to put him down fast that I could do in real life though I never actually did so in real life (thank god it was not real).I simply wanted them to stand down and leave me alone.
I keep asking myself am I a killer on the inside or am I just a scared little girl who never got properly taken care of before? I really don't know what to think or do or say about this at this point that I'm not already happen to be doing to help my situation. I wish I could see my therapist again once every week before I started Cognitive Enhancement therapy (C.E.T). My insurance will not cover for C.E.T and my regular therapist for more then once a month while I'm still going to C.E.T for the past year now. C.E.T will be ending soon but I will not be able to see my therapist regularly again until July still anyways.