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sirscience

somethnig clever about the return of the blog

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hello all,
its been an extremely long time since my last blogs, and well that is on me.

but i am going to return to the forum as i don't know where else to go.

about a year ago my wife managed to make it over the mountains and moved in after a year if time on my own. For a while things looked up , i stopped posting because of stupid reasoning . but I stopped none the less and focused on my relationship. things happened and went crazy. pax, concerts, and then ... Destiny.
keep in mind that durring this whole time i never gave up on my littleness, i continued to embrace it , and that was good for me.
but Destiny came out none the less and like so many out there , I became completely and utterly involved. after about 3 months of hard core playing , and trying to balance life too, i stopped playing as much untill i stopped all together.

during all of this i thought things were going well , even possibly ... better.

untill a week before valentines , when my wife made full time at her work place.
I was so happy for her
i thought she would be too
but when i took her out for dinner she dropped a bomb
she wasn't happier
and she really didn't feel like she was going to ever feel happier

and then as one would predict , we stayed shook by this until the next week when on valentines, we fought, cant even remeber about what now, but we fought , i stayed calm i didn't yell, but she did.
and then in the heat of it all , and for the last time , she told me she wanted a divorce.


i put an end to the conversation there, told her i didn't want to talk any more.
she approached me the next day and said that she didn't mean it . I told her i thought she did , and then told her that i am done.
the fact is ... she was never really ok with me being AB/DL , shes facilitated it some , but mostly just ignored it .
for 5 years
and worse , shes been telling me shes wanted a divorce since we got married , almost every time we had an argument. And for a long time because of my own values i was stubborn about marriage for ever.

love conquers all , it changes every thing , she loves me so she will eventually warm up to me as a little . needs will at least partially be met,
i thought
I thought wrong ... the truth is i gave every thing i had to this relationship
i worked hard
held 3 jobs at one time so we could make it.
always put her first in love making
always put my self second, and expected nothing .
cleaned the house
cared for the garden
cared for the lawn
look at all the stuff I've done... i hate the way this sounds.

but here i am typing ticy tacky , and we're getting divorced . I have had time to work through it . to see the positive it can bring.
but i realize one thing

I am afraid , of being alone.
as an adult , who works and puts every thing i have into what i am doing . as an adult , I am Scarred .
and as a little , I am more so .

I've never lived alone
I've always had support , not that i don't any more. there are those who right now are helping me through this , some who may read this and still give me reassurance. and you know who you are .

and in all of this i feel still even more distraught as my friends i have made over the last 2 years here at my job , they are all leaving . and so am i.
and even though were going to bigger better places, i hate it . i want it all to stop. i want things to just work as they are,
for people to be who they are with out judgment, for relationships to not fail or have to end.

but i know this will all end sooner or later and the next thing will come . i just have to make it through this one bump .

and the next job i get i make new friends.
and the next relationship I'm in , well shell be more than ok with me , and we will be happy living for each other and making each other happy instead of having a one sided relationship .

I've learned in this to be more careful . and to not settle . never settle . ever. we all deserve to be happy , we all deserve to be loved for who we are , and we all deserve to love someone the same way , for who they are . and to make them happy .


and one more thing to end this on a happy note : I told two of my closet friends about me . they both have been the most supportive . they didn't laugh when i told them i am a little , they just smiled and said "so , whats the big deal , doesn't change anything i know about you" and that my friends and fellow lovers of padding is the way things should be...

i am going to spell check this but i am not going to edit it . i want to be able to look back at the raw feelings in the future and be able to see that things have improved . I hope no one is offended by this , and i hope any one who reads this understands.

thank you all for being here. I am sorry for neglecting you .

sirscience
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Comments

  1. Marka's Avatar
    sirscience, I did wonder what happened to you...

    In spite of your difficulties (or perhaps because of them)... it seems to me like you are righting your personal course... at the end of the day, it is for each of us to make our way... that seldom comes from easy choices, but I think they are often simple ones... What ever you come from need not be to mourn, yet to enjoy the opportunity to grow...

    We're still here for you!
    -Marka
  2. Trevor's Avatar
    Good to hear from you! It's been a several weeks but I figured you'd be busy. We covered most of this territory but I'm sure it's still weighing on your mind. That's completely natural and appropriate. I'm sure that learning how to be alone is work for some. For me, it's the default setting and it's the other stuff that takes work. I think you can manage it as you've managed so many other hurdles in your life. Have faith in yourself
  3. Maxx's Avatar
    Don't be scared. There's a lot to be said for being alone.
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