somethnig clever about the return of the blog
by, 24-Apr-2015 at 23:03 (561 Views)
its been an extremely long time since my last blogs, and well that is on me.
but i am going to return to the forum as i don't know where else to go.
about a year ago my wife managed to make it over the mountains and moved in after a year if time on my own. For a while things looked up , i stopped posting because of stupid reasoning . but I stopped none the less and focused on my relationship. things happened and went crazy. pax, concerts, and then ... Destiny.
keep in mind that durring this whole time i never gave up on my littleness, i continued to embrace it , and that was good for me.
but Destiny came out none the less and like so many out there , I became completely and utterly involved. after about 3 months of hard core playing , and trying to balance life too, i stopped playing as much untill i stopped all together.
during all of this i thought things were going well , even possibly ... better.
untill a week before valentines , when my wife made full time at her work place.
I was so happy for her
i thought she would be too
but when i took her out for dinner she dropped a bomb
she wasn't happier
and she really didn't feel like she was going to ever feel happier
and then as one would predict , we stayed shook by this until the next week when on valentines, we fought, cant even remeber about what now, but we fought , i stayed calm i didn't yell, but she did.
and then in the heat of it all , and for the last time , she told me she wanted a divorce.
i put an end to the conversation there, told her i didn't want to talk any more.
she approached me the next day and said that she didn't mean it . I told her i thought she did , and then told her that i am done.
the fact is ... she was never really ok with me being AB/DL , shes facilitated it some , but mostly just ignored it .
for 5 years
and worse , shes been telling me shes wanted a divorce since we got married , almost every time we had an argument. And for a long time because of my own values i was stubborn about marriage for ever.
love conquers all , it changes every thing , she loves me so she will eventually warm up to me as a little . needs will at least partially be met,
I thought wrong ... the truth is i gave every thing i had to this relationship
i worked hard
held 3 jobs at one time so we could make it.
always put her first in love making
always put my self second, and expected nothing .
cleaned the house
cared for the garden
cared for the lawn
look at all the stuff I've done... i hate the way this sounds.
but here i am typing ticy tacky , and we're getting divorced . I have had time to work through it . to see the positive it can bring.
but i realize one thing
I am afraid , of being alone.
as an adult , who works and puts every thing i have into what i am doing . as an adult , I am Scarred .
and as a little , I am more so .
I've never lived alone
I've always had support , not that i don't any more. there are those who right now are helping me through this , some who may read this and still give me reassurance. and you know who you are .
and in all of this i feel still even more distraught as my friends i have made over the last 2 years here at my job , they are all leaving . and so am i.
and even though were going to bigger better places, i hate it . i want it all to stop. i want things to just work as they are,
for people to be who they are with out judgment, for relationships to not fail or have to end.
but i know this will all end sooner or later and the next thing will come . i just have to make it through this one bump .
and the next job i get i make new friends.
and the next relationship I'm in , well shell be more than ok with me , and we will be happy living for each other and making each other happy instead of having a one sided relationship .
I've learned in this to be more careful . and to not settle . never settle . ever. we all deserve to be happy , we all deserve to be loved for who we are , and we all deserve to love someone the same way , for who they are . and to make them happy .
and one more thing to end this on a happy note : I told two of my closet friends about me . they both have been the most supportive . they didn't laugh when i told them i am a little , they just smiled and said "so , whats the big deal , doesn't change anything i know about you" and that my friends and fellow lovers of padding is the way things should be...
i am going to spell check this but i am not going to edit it . i want to be able to look back at the raw feelings in the future and be able to see that things have improved . I hope no one is offended by this , and i hope any one who reads this understands.
thank you all for being here. I am sorry for neglecting you .