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I've been thinking lately about the best way to describe my depression and I've come up with an analogy that fits quite well.

When I am happy, I feel like I am standing on top of a mountain. I feel good about my accomplishments and I can see everything around and in front of me.

But something or someone pushes me and I begin to fall off the mountain, rolling down the steep, jagged, rocky side of the mountain.

I am able to catch myself, I am hurt, but I am okay.

I look up the side of the mountain, it is a long hike back to the top, but I can do it.

Just as I'm about to start back up, I slip and continue to fall down. This time going down farther and getting hurt more and more.

Each time it's harder to pick myself up and make my way to the top again.

At a certain point, I hit the bottom of the mountain, I look back up to the top and I finally tell myself, I can't do it anymore. The pain is just to much to bear, it is now easier to just stay at the bottom. I decide to just give up.

This is the point where suicide starts to enter my mind. I've hit bottom once already. It is not a place I want to be again. But I am finding myself slowly slipping down again.

I know exactly what is putting me in this situation, but what sucks is that I can't and won't do anything about it. My job keeps treating me like shit. All the managers keep treating me like it's my first day on the job. They all talk down to me like I am stupid. They contradict themselves and then blame me when shit does wrong. An example;

The other day I had an idea to open up a side of our bar that only gets used on the weekends, this leads to a lot of stuff expiring and needing to be thrown out. So opening that side would prevent a lot of waste. So I do it, manager freaks out and forces me to change it back. Now mind you our bar is not very big and his reasoning was that of "it's an inconvenience to the bartenders to have to walk an extra 10 feet." I emailed the GM with the idea, he liked it and supported it, but says he won't enforce it and I am basically out of luck with it. Worst of all I am being moved into the bar next week with this manager. We don't get a long and it pisses me off to no end. He will treat me like crap and then pretend to be my friend. I keep falling for it. If I treat him the way he treats me, he will send me on a guilt trip and make me feel like the bad person.

I can't do anything about my managers and I refuse to quit my job because of them. It is the most infuriating and depressing thing. My drives home from work are riddled with thoughts of suicide, because I am left feeling worthless from how I am treated every day. I am able to get home and forget about most of it and I do what I can to make myself get better.

I am currently awaiting a call back for another manager spot that I have applied for. This will make number 30. I just keep telling myself I'll get there eventually, but I am afraid of reaching the point of giving up first.
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